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A Time Tale of Two

by LunarAirPollution


Once there were two; together like glue
Alike in their youth, and now twenty-two
Close to a split, their friendship was ebbing
All until fate, extended its webbing

They chanced upon, in their rogue adolescence 
a strange device, of curses and blessings
And into the future, this happenstance sent them 
and to a time after life taught all its lessons

And neither's outcome, as the two were quite separate
seemed to be right, they both had no spirit
and troubles and worries; like storms, kept returning 
and neither were happy, and both of them knew it


After some time, and consideration 
the two took some action; a communication 
and they decided, "enough is enough 
we must return to when life wasn't so rough"


After some searching, the device was again found
and back to the present, the two were sent 'round
And in that very moment, as friendship was mending 
A promise to live for a better ending


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Tue Jun 04, 2024 12:55 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hi, LunarAirPollution! (cool username, by the way!)

Q here to review your poem today.

First impressions
I want to start out just with my initial thoughts upon reading your poem. Despite the fact that the title clearly indicates "A Time Tale of Two," my brain just didn't quite get it until the second stanza!

It makes for a pretty good twist. Your first stanza--

Once there were two; together like glue
Alike in their youth, and now twenty-two
Close to a split, their friendship was ebbing
All until fate, extended its webbing

--set me up for a love/heartbreak poem, but really it's the introduction to an adventure! I really enjoyed that, and now can see how the last line set up the sci-fi twist.

I feel like I don't often see poems taking on, first of all, a more narrative form, and second of all, a clearly fictional/sci-fi narrative, so this poem really stands out to me from others I've seen. :) I really appreciate that.

Story
I also want to talk a little bit about the narrative aspect of your poem. You're telling a story, but unlike a novel or even a short story, you're working within a pretty small form. Here, you've given yourself one stanza to set up the situation, three to travel around, and a final stanza to sort of right things at the end. I think that's probably a pretty good ratio, it makes the poem clear and cohesive.

However, I would have liked to see a lot more from the adventure! Your poem tells us that there were "curses and blessings," "lessons," and "troubles and worries," as well as some emotional turmoil.

Again, since this isn't prose, it wouldn't necessarily make sense to walk the reader through the nameless duo's every experience (unless you want to go for an epic poem!). But, since you have such cool ideas to play with, like time travel, it would make sense to me to use some less generic language.

Once the idea of time travel is clear, I think you could take a whole stanza to say things like, "They traveled cities in clouds in big bubble buses / They brought new plants to life with alien paintbrushes." That's a little bit nonsense, I just wanted to make something up to show what kinds of things you could do. Just about anything! I think it would be a cool chance to just be openly creative, and then it would still all fit into your story because that exploration is just one part of your arc.


Rhyme
Thinking about the possibilities with your story makes me think that the actual form of the poem is a little restrictive. A lot of times, when I work within a rhyme scheme, I feel like the lines can't ever say exactly what I want them to say because I have to make them fit the pattern.

It's up to you whether you end up thinking the rhymes in this poem are restrictive or not! I think that they can also be really beneficial to your poem, and made the first stanza really attractive in the way you set the two couplets together.

I think the ending rhymes are pretty nice as well, but I did notice that things got a little lost in the middle here:
They chanced upon, in their rogue adolescence
a strange device, of curses and blessings
And into the future, this happenstance sent them
and to a time after life taught all its lessons

And neither's outcome, as the two were quite separate
seemed to be right, they both had no spirit
and troubles and worries; like storms, kept returning
and neither were happy, and both of them knew it

I've bolded the end words. I can't quite tell which ones are supposed to fit together. It was a little sad to see since the first stanza did it so well! Sometimes, you might just have to think outside of the box--instead of figuring out how to reword a given line to make it fit, it might help to think of the idea or emotion you want to convey and write down some possible lines that could help convey it. And I think that might be a little easier with your whole poem written, since now you can see how everything fits together rather than trying to write it line by line from beginning to end.

Final thoughts
I thought you did a really nice job with this poem! Like I said earlier, it's not an idea I see a lot in the poetry I've read, and it feels really clever. I'd just love to see some more of that creativity come through in the images you choose to talk about time travel and it would be neat to see the poem be a little more consistent in end rhymes or no rhymes.

One of my favorite lines was, "and they decided, 'enough is enough / we must return to when life wasn't so rough'" -- it made me giggle. XD I also really liked the sentiment in these two lines: "Alike in their youth, and now twenty-two / Close to a split, their friendship was ebbing" -- it feels like something a lot of us go through! Only, we don't have time travel to help us "live for a better ending." ;)

Keep up the great work, and let me know if you have any questions! :)

-Q




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Wed May 22, 2024 6:29 am
AnotherCrowInRow wrote a review...



Oh my, it's amazing! I love how smooth rhymes go. Also the working with theme you choosed is very well. It's cool how we through whole poem watch how their relationship grow and change. A lot of poets have problem with writing good endings - you didn't belong between them! Poem is good writed from first rhyme to last. Great Job!





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