Caleb raised his small flute of wine in a half-hearted toast and drained the contents, rolling the red liquid over his tongue. Dana copied him, swishing the wine in her mouth and crinkling her nose. She shook her head, setting the glass back on the wooden table.
“No?” The winemaker questioned, determination gleaming in his eye despite the couple’s apparent pickiness of wine – this was the tenth one they’d turned down.
“It’s too sweet,” Dana said, turning to Caleb. “What do you think?”
Caleb nodded slowly as he considered. Honestly, he could care less about what wine they chose for their wedding. Lately, he found it was easier to agree with Dana than to endure one of their fights.
He knocked on the tabled three times, meeting the winemaker’s eyes. “What else do you have?”
“Hmm,” the winemaker said. “I think I might have just the one – wait right here.” The winemaker disappeared down the steps to the wine cellar.
“We’re never going to find the perfect wine,” Dana sighed, resting her chin on her palm. Caleb fiddled with his glass. They were getting married in two months, and the only thing they had managed to do other than fight was decide on a venue. At least they had that. It was one thing after another – the invitations were too white or too gaudy, the cakes were too dry or didn’t have enough flavor, the best photographers had been already booked months in advance. The list went on and on.
Although they never really talked about it, Caleb knew Dana had been pressured into saying yes. He hadn’t realized it at the time he proposed – he figured they were both ready. They’d discussed it enough times, and even had gone to a ring shop together. It wasn’t until months afterwards that he suspected her family played a part in their engagement.
You’re nearly thirty, Dana, her mother chided. I would like to have grandchildren before I die.
He’d seen the looks her family gave her when they visited – a mix of disappointment and worry. But he never thought Dana actually cared about what they said. She even reassured him she didn’t care. But even so, he knew she resented their engagement, picking every detail apart until there was nothing left.
“I’m sure we’ll find something,” he reassured her, but she didn’t look convinced.
The winemaker returned with a long, odd shaped bottle. He wrestled the cork off with a loud pop and poured two samples, sliding the glasses across the tables.
“It’s purple!” Dana said, swirling the contents of her glass. “I’ve never seen wine this purple before.”
Indeed the wine was a bright shade of amethyst.
“Made from a special berry only grown in the Sidra Mountains. It’s a very peculiar plant that thrives only in rocky terrain, and has a fruity, but slightly bitter taste.” The winemaker watched expectantly as Dana sniffed her drink and took a sip.
She frowned, her eyes clouding in confusion. “Excuse me,” she mumbled, keeping her gaze down as she made her way to the restroom.
Caleb stared at her retreating back, his chest tight.
A special berry.
A berry that could make you forget – forget the most important thing in your life, what you hold closest to your heart. Or so the winemaker had told them when they’d met in secret weeks ago.
It’s a way to start over, Caleb told himself as he picked up his glass. He hesitated, but before he could back out he drained his glass, not lowering his cup until the last drop was gone.
I’m actually drinking my problems away for once, he thought before the wine took hold. His thoughts grew fuzzy and he glanced around uncertainly – what was he doing again?
“Great weather today, huh?” the winemaker asked, pushing a glass of water in front of him.
Caleb stared at his glass of water, sure that he’d forgotten something important. But his thoughts were interrupted by a door slamming and a beautiful woman sliding into the seat next to him.
Her caramel hair was delicately curled and braided, her skin warm and tan from spending too much time in the sun. She glanced up at him. “Caleb, what’s wrong?”
He blinked at her, trying to remember if he told her his name earlier, but he was sure he would have remembered meeting her before. He gave her a charming, lazy smile. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”
Her frown deepened, annoyance flashing across her face. “This isn’t funny.”
The door opened, bells tinkling to announce the arrival of a new customer. “Dana,” a sweet, female voice called. A woman with shoulder-length over dyed blond hair waived in their direction.
“My mother’s here,” the caramel hair woman, Dana, said. “Once you’re done acting like an idiot, feel free to join us.” She slid off her stool, joining her mother at the other end of the bar.
Caleb tapped the table, watching as they hugged each other and began an intense conversation about what wine would be best served at a wedding.
He sipped his glass of water thoughtfully.
He just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was forgetting something terribly important.
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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hi!
1. Why did Caleb and the Winemaker meet earlier in secret?
I liked the story. It's a nice setting for a short. There are some things that confused me and then there are some things that made me think, which is a good thing, by the way.
Points that confused me:
Spoiler
2. It almost seemed to me like Caleb and the Winemaker were plotting against Dana - and then suddenly it is Caleb who is affected by the wine and not Dana. Why?
3. Why was Dana not affected by the wine if there was such a special berry in it?
I do like the whole concept. Taking the story at face value, it seems Caleb has doubts whether Dana is marrying him for love or if she is just marrying him because her family is forcing her to do so. Perhaps that doubt has fueled his misunderstanding of her. He thinks that she is being nitpicky about everything because she doesn't want to get married to him.
But the insight I get after reading the ending is that Caleb is the one who doesn't want to get married. He is the one who forgets and not Dana - even though both of them consumed the wine. It makes me think that the wine doesn't really have a special berry that makes you forget, it is just Caleb who wants to forget.
Dana may have been nitpicky about everything simply because she wants her wedding to be perfect and Caleb finds faults in the simplest of things she does because he doesn't want her anymore. The ending makes me question if Caleb really forgot Dana or if Caleb was just convincing himself that he had forgotten Dana so that he could simply get rid of her and move on.
Interesting stuff.
I won't be nitpicking the grammar as several reviewers below have done so already. I wish you'd work on the problems I mentioned above hidden by the spoiler tag. This story would be really great if you did so.
All the best. Write more and more!
Cheers!
Ok, so as one of very first reviews, and my first review in a while it may not be very good. So feel free to ignore me. So firstly I really do like this story, it's very interesting.
However, personally there are a few things I would change:
One I would not reveal them having marriage troubles until after the sip of wine. It will then come as a surprise to the audience. However then you would have to come up with a motive for him to have them forgot each other, maybe he wants to fall in love with each other all over again. Anyway's this is really a minor thing and some may disagree, but I could predict and see where you were going with it the moment she got up from the table, and then knew it for sure when you said the memory lost bit. It just lost a little bit something, but good for you building character in this little story, that I could predict it.
Alright, so before I rip into minor things let me go over big things.
One I really like the story. However I would like to see more of this, weather just half a page or two to really tie it up, as I felt disappointed with the ending.
Two- you give practically no characterization to the winemaker other than determine early on. What if he tricked the couple instead, Or you have him be clumsy perhaps early on tripping and breaking a glass of wine. And have that he forgot to tell about the memory lost. This is partly due to the motive for him wanting to do it being unclear. Yes he is engaged to someone who doesn't want to be engaged but why doesn't he cancel the engagement? If he loves her, why dose he drink it then? Why would he not just make her forgot, and make her love him form there. Or if he doesn't love her then why not become un-engaged as I said before? So while it was really fun to read, as I thought about it, the logic became flawed.
Alright on to little things-
Dana said “This isn’t funny."
If what you said about fights early on being true, about little things would this not lead to a big fight then?
Dana said "“My mother’s here,”
If Dana still believes that Caleb is aware of everything this line is redundant. And I as a reader can normally safely assume this form the description you gave earlier. This just seems off character to me. She pissed off at him so she would just start with the insult right?
"I’m actually drinking my problems away for once"
We don't know the character so this line means nothing. You would lose nothing if you chose to remove it, unless you build up his refusal to drink his problems earlier.
"Great weather today, huh?” the winemaker asked, pushing a glass of water in front of him.
Similar to the last line it adds nothing to the story. It might make sense for the winemaker to say but if you just say "the winemaker pushed a glass of water toward him" or you could just change the next line form "Caleb stared at his glass of water" to wine instead of water. Again you would lose nothing if you do this.
“It’s purple!” Dana said, swirling the contents of her glass. “I’ve never seen wine this purple before.”
What is the significance of this. Are you trying to show feeling's with the color purple because if so it did not come off, to me at least. Sure you named it the purple wine, but why purple? After reading this I still have no idea. So I am really curious what you were trying to do with the color purple for this special wine. But I'm not a wine expert, being underage, so if it's something to do with wine I would not no, so if so you can ignore this.
You’re nearly thirty, Dana, her mother chided. I would like to have grandchildren before I die.
Ok, this is slight but you are setting the parents up as old. But if this the case then they would of have to had her at 40-50 and not before thirty. Making their point of having children before thirty invalid. Now if your saying they had children at the age of around 30 then they would only be around sixty making this point of death invalid. Maybe change this line to "grandchildren while I still have some youth." or something like this in order to make sense.
Caleb nodded slowly as he considered. Honestly, he could care less
If he couldn't care less then he would NOT consider. If you are saying he is nodding to give the appearance of consideration then say that.
"the couple’s apparent pickiness of wine"
Two things, one Caleb has done nothing to show pickiness of wine, he has just agreed with her. However even if this is the case, as it is revealed later on Caleb has been working with this winemaker for a few week's now so he already knows Caleb is not picky. So this line make's no sense, if you changed it to Dana apparent pickiness of wine, it would make more sense. Plus it sets up nicely the character Dana is, and leads into your next sentence as well. Plus it foreshadows the "forced" marriage predicament.
You might be aware of all of this, in which case I'm sorry. But I'm still learning how to make good reviews so this is what I thought would help you as a writer the most. But feel free to ignore all of it
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this interesting story about a man and a woman preparing to get married.
There were several conflicts introduced-all which could have served as a continuation for what followed but which serve only as a cause or background for the uneasy feeling Caleb has.
The conflict between the woman and his family.
The feeling that she had been forced into a marriage perhaps against her will.
Her family’s meddling into the preparations.
Alternate endings to consider]
The ending seems to indicate that the pressure on the future husband was unbearable and forgetting was doing him a favor. But I didn’t really get that impression of his being in such severe distress.
Much more interesting than the two characters is the mysterious taciturn Winemaker who comes across as scheming or having a vested interest in making one or both of them forget.
He could be made to appear even more scheming by describing his appearance briefly. Maybe giving him beady eyes or an extremely aquiline nose? Have him attired in some unusual way?
Perhaps having the winemaker snicker at the end as he watches Caleb lose his memory would clinch that impression and make for a stronger ending. Or if a comical effect is being sought, Caleb might pay for his drink and absentmindedly walk out the store as his mother in Law walks in?
Suggestions:
If she isn’t going to be affected by the drink then why have her behave as if she had been?
It sets up an expectation for seemingly no reason.
The word “flute” made me stop since I was unfamiliar with the term being used for a glass of wine. So if stopping is to be avoided for some readers I would choose using the word glass instead.
[“]You’re nearly thirty,[”] Dana, her mother chided. [“]I would like to have grandchildren before I die.[”]
The winemaker returned with a long, odd shaped [describe] bottle.
. . . . across the tables.
[. . . . across the table.]
[‘]It’s a way to start over,[’]
[‘]I’m actually drinking my problems away for once,[’] he thought
[. . . . shoulder-length[,] over[-]dyed blond hair . . . .]
[. . . . caramel[-]hair woman . . . .]
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
I feel as though you are seeking to write as another person. It is as if you are trying to uphold this maturity you know nothing about. If you were to slow down and structure your piece in your own mind I feel that you would reach a greater success. The details are spread far but are condensed. Your writing has promise but I do believe you may need to take your writing from another angle and consider its character.
Hi! dropping a quick review on your story.
I loved the story and its concept. The way you introduced the characters was very well done. You described their personalities in a way where you didn't have to go into depth, the way you used their past experiences to do that was impressive. You turned wine sampling into a sort of adventure. The story was well paced and came to a conclusion that left me wanting more.
I do however have some suggestions to possibly improve the story.
The opening line was: 'Caleb raised his small flute of wine in a half-hearted toast and drained the contents, rolling the red liquid over his tongue'
What I think could have possibly suited better is;
Caleb lazily raised his small flute of wine in a half-hearted toast then drained its contents, rolling the soft red liquid over his tongue in order to appreciate...'
“It’s too sweet,” Dana said- I think 'said' is a word that's too bland in this case. If she's picky in terms of wine she'll most likely show it.
What I think could have possibly suited better is;
“It’s too sweet,” Dana criticized, turning to Caleb.
This is something that pops up frequently in the story, I think you should add a little bit more variety to describe how speech is portrayed in the story. Other than that the speech is pretty well done.
There are also some small mistakes made in the story regarding spelling and grammar.
For example: 'He knocked on the tabled three times'
'bells tinkling to announce the arrival of a new customer.'- In this case, it would be bells 'tinkled' but I think the word jingle would better suit here
Overall I really liked the story. Keep up the good work!
Loved the plot twist at the end
Hey, Mess here. Couple things for you!
1. This is solidly written. You don't go too far into detail, which at first works well, although at the end I would have liked you to slow down. When Caleb forgets everything "Drinking his problems away" that's funny, xD I think you should ease up onthe pedal. He should start taking in sights he didn't notice before. Remember, he doesn't kow Dana anymore, so he would notice more than her caramel hair. He probably would be uncomfortable with how close she got to him. I fell that he would SAY SOMETHING other than just "What's going on?".
But it is well edited, and it has a nice flow overall.
2. The story is confusing if I'm being honest. Is there another story that connects to this? Why was this couple forced into marriage? Why did they date so long if they fight over everything but the venue? Why are they sooo picky? If it's an "I don't like this because you do" then the problems should've been resolved when Caleb decided to agree with Dana on most everything. And if not, is she just super picky? Either way it's hard to see them dating, getting engaged, and fighting, yet still being together.
Also, I think a mention of the mother coming to visit them would have been nice because it passes by so fast. And it should have gone on after she arrives. Does she get angry or upset? How does this get resolved? What's the point?
3. Caleb's plan seems a little short-sighted. First off, why taste so many wines if you are going to drink this one eventually anyway? Second, shouldn't Caleb have some sort of plan for what he's going to do once he drinks the wine? Since he just forgets Dana, not his entire identity, why doesn't he just leave?
4. Overall I Think your writing style is nice, easy to read, and flows well as far as the grammar, but slowing down the story would have benefited you. As a reader I didn't really get a grasp for who Caleb and Dana are, who the winekeeper is, etc. so it was just kind of like people watching rather getting invested in these people's lives.
I think you have talent for sure. No doubt about it. I would just delve more into your story. You've got the time, use it! I hope this helps
~Messy
Hi Messenger, thanks so much for the review!
This isn't part of another story - just something that I came up with randomly. The couple isn't really being 'forced' (I think I just emphasized that a little too much). Caleb wants to marry her, but Dana is only doing it because she thinks it's what she's supposed to do (I think this is a common thing in today's society where woman are pressured to follow the societal norms of being married by a certain age, having kids soon after, etc). She doens't want to fully admit that it's not something she wants to do - she wants her family to be proud of her, she wants to fit in - she she tries to convince herself this is something she wants, but she hates it. That's why she's so picky and they haven't been able to get anything done (if that really long explanation actually makes any sense haha). I think I could try to make that a little more clear - it's kind of tough to portray that from Caleb's point of view. (Challenge accepted)
You do bring up a great question about Caleb's plan. What he really wanted was them to forget each other and forget their past to start new. I can definitely see how it would be short-sighted.
Thanks for pointing out all these questions - I can see how the story is confusing and might not make exact sense. It sure does leave a lot of open questions that will be fun to explore!
Haha yeah it makes sense. Honestly i think if you worked those ideas in a little but more it would have actually made this a pretty relatable story for a lot of girls. I guess i didnt realize that both of them were supposed to drink it. But i think Caleb would have waited for her to come back and drink it together.
Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!
I really enjoyed reading this short story. You've done a nice job with bringing out the characters and even at the ending, showing the effects of drinking the wine. There is also a difference in characters, between how Caleb and Dana react to drinking the wine. One thing I noticed while reading this was that Caleb lost his memory after drinking while Dana didn't show much of a sign towards the effects. Perhaps Dana didn't drink as much as Caleb did, but I still think that Dana would show some sort of sign towards it. Maybe mention how she didn't have the effect?
'tabled' should be 'table'.
Since both are picking out wines, I think they would at least come to some sort of agreement together, instead of having to go through ten different wines. Even at the end, the mother and Dana begin to talk about what wine would go best without really deciding on a wine. Though I did just get a thought: what if the wine made Dana forget about the previous wine tastings? So, then she, her mom, and Caleb would have to go through the entire process again. I could be in the wrong here but I do think it should be mentioned that Dana just complains to her mom about how long it is taking to just pick a wine.
I do like that you added the bit of Caleb's self-doubt about getting married to Dana. It really brings out his character and even the part about having Dana's parents "forcing" her to marry him.
When the winemarker mentions the taste of the wine, does that mean he tried it? It kind of makes me think, I might have mentioned it earlier, but the effects the wine has on certain people. Does it mean the winemarker forgot that he told them? It's an interesting concept and you should try to expand more onto it. Another thought I had about Dana is that you mention the wine is to make you forget about the ones you hold close to your heart. Does that mean Dana doesn't hold Caleb close to her heart? That is an interesting twist.
To cap, I really liked the idea you're playing around with. I'm kind of interested in seeing this as a novel or something. The one suggestion I have is working on is mentioning what the wine can do and how it affects certain people. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
Hi Shaniac, thank you for the review!
Yes, my intention was that it meant Dana didn't hold Caleb close to her heart. Hm.. I don't think the winemaker ever tasted the wine, so that's a good question I didn't think of... which is now making me think of questions I hadn't though before (like: if Caleb drank the wine does he actually remember drinking it? If so, does he remember that it's supposed to make him forget something important? That would be interesting.)
Thanks for pointing those out - you've given me a lot to think about! Thanks again, shaniac!
Hey there Lumos! Long time, no see. It's MJ back for another review.
"The couple's selectiveness regarding wine" or "The couple's apparent pickiness when it came to wine" might sound a little more natural than "pickiness of wine"."over dyed" doesn't quite make sense here, so perhaps it would flow better to say "blonde hair that had been dyed excessively" or something that avoids having four words modifying "hair".
Besides those nitpicks, I thought your story was an entertaining read, and it moved at a comfortable pace. My two main concerns regarding possible improvements are as follows:
1) The story about Dana's family and how they pressured her into marriage didn't advance the plot and it seemed like an unnecessary info-dump.
2) The story didn't come to an end, really. I had trouble seeing how the conflict was resolved. The story opens with a couple selecting wine for their wedding, and ends with one of them confused. It seems as if it's to be continued, and doesn't seem like a stand-alone. It leaves the reader wondering what happens next—does he eventually realize his mistake? does he completely forget Dana? That brings me to my next point:
3) If both Dana and Caleb sampled the wine, why is only Caleb feeling the effects? We see that Dana disappeared to the restroom, but when she comes back she feels none of the strange side effects that Caleb senses. This is never resolved in the story, so readers are left to assume that it is a plot hole.
But overall, it was an enjoying read. It was solidly written, and I appreciate how you did not use more words than necessary. It was nice and simple, not overly complicated by frills and bows to try and make it seem more extravagant than it was. I hope that my review wasn't too harsh and only gave you criticism that you can use not only to improve this piece, but to improve your writing in the future as well. I apologize if it seemed overly harsh in any way, and I assure you that that was not my intent and that this does not serve as a critique of you or of your writing skills.
All the best
MJTucker
Hi MJTucker!
First off, thank you for the review!!
The wine was supposed to make them both forget about each other so they could start their relationship anew - it would make them forget the most important thing to them (which, hopefully would be the person you're marrying), which is why Caleb couldn't remember Dana. But Dana could still remember Caleb, so that means there's something (or somebody) else more important to her.
Which is also why I added the 'info-dumpy' part - to show that she was only getting married because she thinks it's the right thing to do, not because she actually wants to. (really, though, I should know better than to do info dumps)
You're review isn't too harsh! I wasn't sure how well this idea actually worked, and I can see I didn't do that good at it - which is good to know so I can improve this piece and future stories.
Thanks again!
Lumos
Thanks for explaining that to me%u2014I think it's a really great concept, and I think if you expanded it and added a continuation, it would explain the nuances of the wine. I'm glad my review was helpful!