z

Young Writers Society


12+

The House With the Graveyard

by Lumos


There’s a graveyard in the front yard.

That’s the first thing Rissa notices as she steps out of her car and lets the door slam shut. She leans against the beige Toyota and takes a draw on her cigarette. There’s a large oak tree with a least a dozen headstones underneath and they all bear the same last name – Rothenberg. Must be some sort of family graveyard.

The house is magnificent. It’s something out of a story book – like the castles she dreamt of as a child. It’s three stories tall and built from stone with several large aching windows in the front. The yard is well kept and the bushes are manicured. If the inside of the house looks anything like the outside, Rissa will have no problem selling the house. Of course, she would need to get rid of those ugly headstones.

Nobody will buy a house with a graveyard in the front lawn.

She flicks her cigarette butt, still smoldering, into the yard. The gravel crunches under her feet and as she reaches to ring the doorbell, something taps the back of her head.

Her head swivels to the side, but nobody is there. She grunts and then notices the cigarette butt at her feet. Was that there before? She tosses it into the yard, and a moment later the cigarette butt is flying towards her face.

She yelps and ducks, and the cigarette falls a few feet away from her. Bewildered, she straightens her jacket and gives the cigarette butt a weary glance. The wind must have caught it or something.

“Who’s out there?”

The large oak door swings open with a loud groan. Rissa looks into the gray eyes of an elderly woman. A pair of glasses sits at the end of her nose, making her look cross. The woman is short and petite, not any taller than five feet, and Rissa feels as if she towers over the old woman. The woman eyes Rissa’s business suit, lips pursed in disapproval.

“You must be Ms. Rothenberg. I’m Rissa Johnson, the realtor. How are you today?”

Ms. Rothenberg’s eyes narrow. “Realtor? I don’t need a realtor!” Her eyes widen and she looks to her left, and then nods. “Oh yes, the realtor! I remember now. Come on in. You can call me Shirley.”

The inside is better than Rissa imagined. The large foyer is decorated with a large velvet maroon rug. The walls are paneled with oak wood and detailed flower designs are carved in the crown molding. The afternoon light filters through the window, reflecting small rainbows off the large crystal chandelier. The chandelier alone could probably pay for three months of Rissa’ bills.

Rissa stares in amazement and hope surges in her chest. If she can sell this house, she would have more than enough money to pay her court and legal fees and start a new life with Emma. The thought of Emma makes her heat sag. It has been well over a year since Rissa last saw her daughter, since the legal system took her away. Rissa had never wanted something so badly, to see her daughter again. The first step had been fighting her alcohol addiction, and she could gladly say she’s been sober well over three months. There was just one thing left to do and she would have her daughter back: she needed to get back on her feet and become financially stable.

“I suppose I’ll give you a tour,” Shirley says, drawing Rissa from her thoughts.

Rissa plasters on her best smile. “Oh yes, a tour will be great!”

“You’ll have to pardon my dust. With just me living here, it’s just impossible to clean the whole place.”

Each room is just as spectacular as the one before. Too bad Emma’s not here now to see it, she would love it. Rissa presses her lips together in determination. She would sell this house and regain custody of Emma, and when that happens, Rissa will bring her here. They’ll pretend she’s a princess, locked in her tower, and a handsome prince will come save her.

“Oh my!” Shirley exclaims as they enter what must be the library. Books line the wall from ceiling to floor. There is not one wall void of books, and they even overflow from the walls, laying scattered in piles across the floor. Shirley is standing before the fireplace, where a large painting fell and is now lying face down on the floor.

Shirley lifts it up, revealing a large watercolor painting of a cross-looking woman. Her nose and cheekbones are sharp. Her dark eyes are cross and disapproving and Rissa feels that if this woman were standing before her, she would disapprove of Rissa.

“Aunt Madeline, I know you hate this picture, but it’s all I have of you. So you’re just going to have to deal with it.” Shirley glances around the room as she speaks. Rissa gapes at her, surely this woman is talking to herself? Perhaps she’s gone mad, in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s or something like that.

“Can you help me lift this back up?” Shirley asks. The painting is surprisingly heavy, but they manage to heave it above the fireplace mantle. “Alright. I guess the only thing left is the basement.”

For some reason, the thought of the basement terrifies Rissa. But the basement is an important part of a house, it provides the foundational work. As they descend the stairs, each step groaning under their weight, Rissa tells herself that there’s nothing but dust down there and this woman must be going mad with loneliness.

Rissa stays by the bottom stop, her heart jumping in her chest. It becomes painful to breath and she takes slows breaths to calm her nerves. There is a scraping sound, making Rissa jump and cling to the hand rail, but it’s just Shirley, kicking over an old tin can.

She looks back at Rissa and gestures toward a black door. “The utilities are back here if you want to take a look.”

Yes, the utilities. She does need to see those to be able to properly sell the house. She loosens her grip on the rail and stumbles forward. She shivers uncontrollably. Did it get colder down here? She rubs her hands along her arms, trying to warm up and cover up her shaking.

She pulls open the black door and is immediately shoved inside. The door slams shut behind her, encasing her in darkness. She grips the doorknob, but it won’t budge. She slams her fist against the door. “Let me out!”

“I’m sorry. I can’t do that,” Shirley’s voice floats through the door. “You see, I lost my husband months ago. I was devastated, completely heartbroken. I couldn’t stand the thought of not being with him.” Rissa’s breaths are ragged and her muscles are sore from the tension. A rotting stench hits her and she presses against the hard wood door, whimpering.

“It was my Aunt Madeline’s idea.”

A dim light flickered on. She peers into the light and met another pair of eyes. But these eyes were different – they’re empty, void of life. It steps closer to the light, and Rissa realized it’s a man. But he doesn’t look like a man – his skin is pale, his head cocked at an abnormal angle, but the worst is that his cheek was missing, revealing teeth and bone and rotting flesh.

Rissa screams and claws at the door, pushing against it with all her strength. “Let me out! Let me out!” She desperately digs her nails against the door, drawing blood. She tries kicking the door, but it’s not use. Behind her, she can hear the uneven steps of the monster moving closer.

“I introduce to you my husband, Robert Rothenberg. I do wish you had more time to get to know him, but he’s hungry, you see, and gets very angry when he’s hungry.”

Rissa falls to the floor in the feeble position and buries her face into her hands. She thinks of Emma and the last time she saw her. Her long dark hair was a tangled mess but her eyes were light with joy when Rissa said they could get ice cream. It was one of her favorite memories, and now she would never get to see her daughter again, to tell her how sorry she was and that she wishes she could have been a better mother.

The last thing she remembers is something sharp digging into her skin, followed by the smell of death and rotting flesh.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 26
Reviews: 9

Donate
Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:57 pm
View Likes
RadicalCarrot wrote a review...



Hello Lumos! I really enjoyed this story and wanted to review it. Unfortunately, I'm not great at nitpicks when it comes to grammar or sentence structure either. This review will mostly focus on characters, setting, pacing, and some more.

Characters: I understand that this story didn't rely super heavily on it's characters but they are what I tend pay most attention to so bear with me here. I enjoyed Rissa even though I only had a short glimpse of her character. I really didn't have any problems with her except that she was a tad cliche like most of the other characters. At some parts it did feel like exposition surrounding Rissa seemed a little forced. I liked the parts that touched on her daughter but sometimes they seemed to just come out of nowhere. I would suggest trying to find a way work them in that is more subtle. The old lady was also cliche. If you haven't done this before, I would encourage thinking out the entity of the old lady's backstory. How old she is, where's she from, what was her childhood like, how did she come to live in the house, etc. Why would she even bother doing all of this for her "husband"? And for the last character, the "husband". Honestly this one is tricky because this character isn't really a "character" as far as I understand. I would say add more detail to what they look like but I understand that you were leaning more towards the fear of the unknown sort of thing.

Setting: The setting was interesting though yet again, very cliche. Not much stood out to me about the house which is a indicator that it could use some work. It felt like the story constantly talked about how creepy the house felt as well as being beautiful but there wasn't much in there that as a reader gave me a sense of that feeling. I would suggest thinking really hard about the location of the house. What country is it in? What is the town like that it's in? Is it a victorian era home or bungalow? Who lived in the house before the old lady? Why was the house built where it was? Obviously you don't have to say all these things in the story but it would help with making it more original.

Pacing: I agree that the beginning was the best part. The pacing was done well and it was slow which built up good tension. However, as the story went on it seemed to escalate faster and did seem a little rushed. I feel like if you continued with slow and steady pace and sped it up and slowed it down every now and then, you could have had some real potential to create some spooky parts that would stick out. Instead you started out slow and got faster and faster until the end. Obviously it would have been much longer if it had some parts that had using and falling action but I still think it would have been cool. And it would have given you time to incorporate more character traits or information about the setting.

Other Stuff: I feel like there were some really cool things that you could have taken further but were just sort of mentioned once and never again. One of these was the graveyard. I think the mention of how Rissa would have to take the graveyard out could have been mentioned again. Or maybe we could have heard the old lady bettering to other old dead relatives. Or maybe we could have heard more about the Aunt. I think there were some genuinely good original parts that could have been really interesting to explore.

Once again, I really enjoyed this story. I feel like it had loads of potential. And for a first time writing horror, it was pretty good. The cliches are obviously a bit strong with this one but I genuinely think that they could work if there was some though put into them to add some variety. I know you said you don't think that you'll write any other horror stories. But I would encourage you to give it another shot because I really do think this story had lots of potential.

Keep writing and I can't wait to see more from you!

- RC :)




Lumos says...


No worries - nitpicks aren't what I'm mainly concerned about. ;)

I pretty much agree with everything you've said. Pacing is something I need to work at - I feel like I need to finish with as few words as possible and that's when the pacing goes bad. Not sure why I do this, honestly.

Perhaps I'll try to rewrite this story with some of your suggestions!

Thanks for the review! :)





You're welcome! I tried to go in depth with my critiques but I hope none of them came off as harsh.



Lumos says...


I'm not an easily offended person and can take criticism and feedback, so don't worry about being harsh. I much prefer a review like this to something sugar-coated.

Also, thanks for the follow!



User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:12 pm
View Likes
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lumos. Pan here to fry up a review for you today.

It's a good little story. The opening drew me in straight away and you held my interest throughout, even if I did have some sense of what was coming. You've got a light touch with language and your writing never feels bogged down or convoluted, and I like that you integrate a sense of Rissa's tone in the prose despite it being in the third person. All in all, a solid bit of writing. There's a few things I want to talk about in regards to improving it, but first I'll do the nitpicks.

She leans against the beige Toyota and takes a draw on her cigarette.


I think you mean she 'takes a drag of her cigarette'. You can draw on a cigarette, but you can't take a draw on a cigarette, so far as I know.

It’s (like?) something out of a story book


Bit of a cliché phrase. Perhaps think of a more original comparison.

with several large aching windows in the front


Do you mean 'arching' or 'arched'?

If the inside of the house looks anything like the outside, Rissa will have no problem selling the house


You have an unusual habit of repeating nouns instead of using pronouns in their place. If you wrote this as:

If the inside of the house looks anything like the outside, Rissa will have no problem selling it.

Feels a bit more natural, doesn't it? The reader will know from the context what 'it' refers to.

The woman is short and petite, not any taller than five feet, and Rissa feels as if she towers over the old woman.


This is the same sort of thing as the last point. I'd substitute 'the old woman' for 'her'.

The large foyer is decorated with a large velvet maroon rug.


I wouldn't repeat the same adjective unless it's for deliberate effect.

If she can sell this house, she would have more than enough money to pay her court and legal fees and start a new life with Emma.


Make sure your tenses align. It should be either this:

If she could sell this house, she would have more than enough money to pay her court and legal fees...

Or this:

If she can sell this house, she'll make more than enough money to pay her court and legal fees...

Either way, make sure the tenses match.

Too bad Emma’s not here now to see it, she would love it.


Comma splice. Replace the comma with either a full stop or a semi-colon.

She would sell this house and regain custody of Emma, and when that happens Rissa will bring her here. They’ll pretend she’s a princess, locked in her tower, and a handsome prince will come save her.


The clause I've struck out is strange and fairly unnecessary. There's also another problem with tense alignment. It should either be:

She will sell this house and regain custody of Emma, and then Rissa will bring her here. They’ll pretend she’s a princess locked in her tower, and a handsome prince will come and save her.

Or:

She would sell this house and regain custody of Emma, and then Rissa would bring her here. They’d pretend she was a princess locked in her tower, and a handsome prince would come and save her.

Whichever you prefer. I personally I like the first better because it sounds more definite and committed.

Shirley lifts it up, revealing a large watercolor painting of a cross-looking woman. Her nose and cheekbones are sharp. Her dark eyes are cross and disapproving and Rissa feels that if this woman were standing before her, she would disapprove of Rissa.


Some more little issues with repetition. If you had something like:

Shirley lifts it up, revealing a large watercolor painting of a cross-looking woman. Her nose and cheekbones are sharp. Her dark eyes are narrowed, brows almost meeting in the middle, and Rissa feels that if this woman were standing before her, she would disapprove of her.

That's just an example, but it shows how you can remove the repetition and get a bit more out of it.

Rissa gapes at her, surely this woman is talking to herself?


Another comma splice. Change the comma to a semi-colon or full stop. Also, did you mean to write 'surely this woman isn't talking to herself'?

But the basement is an important part of a house, it provides the foundational work.


Comma splice again. Swap out the comma for a full stop or a semi-colon.

A dim light flickered on. She peers into the light and met another pair of eyes. But these eyes were different


Tense slippage. Should be 'flickers', 'meets' and 'are'.

but it’s not use.


Little typo. I presume you mean 'no'.

to tell her how sorry she was and that she wishes she could have been a better mother.


Tense alignment. I think it should be 'is' rather than 'was'.

Overall Thoughts

1) The most recurrent problem is the tense slippage, especially in parts of the text where you're using 'would'. Make sure you pay close attention to what forms of verbs you're using whenever you write in the conditional tense.

2) I think the pacing gets a bit quick towards the end of the story. It starts well, but it feels like you get a bit tired towards the end and just rush towards the encounter in the cellar so you can get it finished. I think you could do with a bit more buildup.

3) Perhaps my biggest concern for this story, even though it's well-written and lightly handled, is that it isn't that original. There are a lot of clichés: old house, creepy old woman, protagonist who keeps denying supernatural involvement and ends up killed because of it. Even though I didn't know exactly how the story was going to unfold and quite liked that she turned out to be keeping the husband alive, I still found it quite predictable. There isn't much to mark it out amongst the other horror stories out there.

You've said that this is your first time writing horror, so treat this as a learning experience. If you write more things like this in future, read around in the genre and find out what the most common tropes are. Subvert them in your own writing. Don't go for the obvious settings, the obvious twists, and don't forget the importance of writing fleshed-out, three-dimensional characters. If your protagonist is going to get ripped to bits at the end of the story, I want to really be rooting for them - not facepalming every time they explain away something obviously supernatural.

I'll call the review there. I hope this helped and that I wasn't too harsh. Don't hesitate to ask me if you've any questions about what I said.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




Lumos says...


Your review is definitely not too harsh - I love feedback like this! Honestly, this story was just an experiment and I probably won't write much horror in the future. If I ever do decide to venture down the horror genre road, I'll be sure to immerse myself in the genre. :)

I thought the 'draw' on the cigarette sounded weird, but I couldn't think a different word (brain fart, I guess?). I didn't realize I repeat nouns but now that you point it out, it does seem kind of obvious.

The tense slippage is something I'm really good at doing lol. :O I'll have to pay closer attention to catch those mistakes.

I really appreciate all the helpful suggestions! Thanks for reviewing!



Panikos says...


You're very welcome! And thank you for the follow! :)



User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 18525
Reviews: 118

Donate
Sun Aug 06, 2017 8:38 pm
View Likes
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, Lumos! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it! Also, this is my 25th review, so that means a new star! Woooooo!

FIRST IMPRESSION
- The first thought that went through my head: "Wow! This is a great story!" The plot goes along smoothly, there is an even balance of detail and quotation, and it had a nice plot twist at the end. The present tense writing style is something I don't see much - I usually see past tense.

NITPICKS
- [She yelps and ducks, and the cigarette falls a few feet away from her.] Remove the comma after ducks.

- [Her eyes widen and she looks to her left, and then nods.] Remove the comma after left.

- [It has been well over a year since Rissa last saw her daughter, since the legal system took her away.] Remove the comma after daughter.

- [“Oh my!” Shirley exclaims as they enter what must be the library.] Add a comma after oh.

- [It becomes painful to breath and she takes slows breaths to calm her nerves.] Add an e after breath.

- [She tries kicking the door, but it’s not use.] Remove the t on not.

CHARACTERS
- I really enjoy Rissa as a character. She the kind of mom that would do anything to get her daughter back, but just a question: where did Emma go when she was taken away? Did she go to a relative? Her father? Foster care? I feel like that should be included in the story. However, I wasn't the biggest fan of Shirley. Her personality is commonly shown in horror/mystery stories, and it comes off as bland to me.

OVERALL
- I really enjoyed the story all in all. I found the plot to be quite enjoyable. The plot twist was something I really didn't expect. The complaints I have with this story are stated above, in the characters and nitpicks section.

Keep writing!

Pastel




Lumos says...


Thanks for the review and congrats on the review star!! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. :) Emma would be in foster care - I will add that to the story.

This is my first time writing something in the 'horror' genre (I'm not a fan of scary things haha), so I didn't realize Shirley is a cliche. Thanks for pointing that out!

Thanks again for the review!




cron
As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro