5:58
He should be here any minute, I thought nervously, my bouncing leg shaking the table. The cups of water rippled with each movement. The table cloth I had spread over the table had several mysterious stains.
I winced. Maybe I should have gone without the tablecloth, but the table wasn’t in much better condition-
The doorbell rang, and I sprung from my chair, hitting the table so hard the silverware clattered. After making sure nothing had broken or spilled, I ran to answer the door.
David grinned down at me, his shaggy brown hair windblown from riding his motorcycle without a helmet. I frowned, wanting to tell him for the hundredth time not to do that, but before I could voice my concerns, he leaned down, giving me a kiss. “Hi honey.”
He stepped inside, handing me a large bouquet of pink roses. “Roses. I know you said they’re your favorite,” he said.
I frown again; daisies were my favorite flower, a fact I’d told him the last time he’d brought me a bouquet of flowers. And the time before that.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.
“No, they’re wonderful. Thank you.” I plaster a grin and accept the flowers. At least he’d been thoughtful enough to get me something, of which I was grateful.
I trailed him to the kitchen, sorting through the cupboards for a vase before putting the flowers on the dining table.
“Wow, what’s the special occasion?” he asked, plopping into a chair.
“Oh, this and that.” I take my place across from him, waiting for him to finish filling his plate with chicken and vegetables.
He made a disgusted grunt. “Are these marshmallows?” He jabbed his fork at the melted marshmallows atop his sweet potato casserole. “You know I hate marshmallows. I can’t believe you would put them on there when you know I can’t stand the taste.”
"Sorry," I said. "You can scrape them off."
"I've told you before..." he muttered under his breath. “I’m not eating these.”
I gripped my fork, wanting to bite back a reply that would only start an argument. But tonight was a night for celebration, and so I reluctantly held my tongue.
Silence ensued, the only sounds from the clinking dining ware. I blurted, “I got an offer to be a dancer in New York.” Just saying it out loud, I couldn’t keep the grin from my face, my heart from swelling with pride.
His shoveled a pile of green beans in his mouth. "Oh? That’s cool. I didn’t realize you were still into that dancing thing.”
I waited for him to continue, to congratulate me, say he was proud, but he kept his gaze down, picking at his food.
“Can you pass the salt?” he asked.
“Of course I’m still into ‘this dancing thing.’ I got the call on lunch today and could barely sit still I was shaking with excitement. Can you believe it? After years and years of auditions, I’ve finally made it. This is could be my big break!”
“Yeah, good job honey,” he said, settling into silence again.
“I think… I think I’m going to accept it,” I hesitantly added.
He let loose a heavy, annoyed sigh. “I thought we had been over this. Dancing isn’t a career. It’s a hobby. You can’t and you won’t move to New York for some foolish childish dream.”
I gaped at him. “You can’t be serious. I’ve told you this is my dream. What do you think I’ve been working so hard at these past two years? And you promised-“ I cut myself as my voice choked with unshed tears.
“I promised what?” he growled.
"You promised, years ago, that if I ever made it, you would come with me."
He sank back in his chair, arms folded. "That was years ago. Things have changed. You can't expect me to just move to New York."
I nodded. "That's ok, we can try the long distance thing."
"I don't want to do a long distance relationship!" he shouted.
My mouth tightened. "I can't say no this offer."
"Fine," he seethed. "Go. Be a dancer. You'll regret it once you're living in a tiny apartment you can barely move in and can't afford internet."
"Fine. I will," I shouted back, chest tight and uncomfortable, hot tears running down my face.
"I'll be waiting for you here when you decide to come back," he said, the last blow as he stormed out.
When he was gone, the door slammed shut so hard the cabinets rattled, I sank into my chair, face buried in my hand. I didn’t try to stop the tears, the sobs that racked my body. I need this - needed this New York dancing gig more than anything, more than breathing. How could I make David see that? Every time I brought it up, he pushed it away like it didn't matter.
But it did matter, and a small part inside me knew he would never be able to understand, and that knowledge chipped at me, fractured my heart.
…
"What? That's amazing! Congrats!" Audrey said, her voice muffled through the phone.
"Thanks," I said. Audrey was my best friend throughout our latter years of high school and college. We were inseparable, and planned everything together – our majors, dorms, boys to date. After graduation, we both became busy with our own lives.
"Is David coming with you?"
I winced, thankful she couldn’t see me. I wanted to gush, tell her everything like old times. Ask her if I was wrong, if this is the right decision. But I didn’t because I could still feel the distance between us, the echo of a great friendship. Instead, I gave the easier answer, the answer that created less questions.
"I'm not sure yet, we need to discuss it."
"How long have you been together now? It's gotta be three years."
"Five." I counted in my head. "Yeah, five years."
"Wow! Mike and I have been together for two years now and we're... we're expecting our first baby in August."
"Oh," I say, unable to keep disappointment from churning my stomach. I felt a stab a pain at the thought that she was due in three months and I was just hearing the news. "Oh! That's wonderful! Congratulations. I'm sure you're very excited."
"Oh we are! We have the nursery already set up and we're getting married next month. It's going to very small, just super close friends and family."
There was a beat of awkward silence before she added, "You and David can come too, if you want."
I bit back bitter tears. I didn't need a pity invite. "That's alright, I'll be busy moving to New York." I wished her well with her baby and wedding and hung up.
As the phone when silent, I realized that I'd never felt so alone. Time had slipped by and my best friend and I had grown apart - Audrey was basically like a stranger to me. How had I not realized it sooner?
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, watching couples walk past with dogs and strollers. The park was a flourish of activity on this beautiful sunny day and I would probably enjoy it if I were here for any other reason.
I waited until I saw the silver Ford car pull up and David crawl out before I popped the door open and met him halfway across the parking lot.
"You look good," he greeted me with a hug.
We strolled around the path leading to a small pond where several people were feeding ducks.
"I've missed this," David admitted. "I'm sorry for what happened. I get that it's your dream to be a dancer, and I think you can do it, but New York is just so risky..."
I nodded. "It's ok, I understand."
He tugged me to a stop. "No, it's not ok. I don't want us to be like this. You've been everything to me, stuck with me through the ups and downs. Do you remember the time we got stuck in the pouring rain at Dustin's senior year baseball game? It was miserable, but we waited out the rain in the car and ending up having a blast singing to the radio, playing games and just talking.
"That's what I love about you. It's what makes you so special. I can't see spending the rest of my life without you."
He slowly lowered to one knee and I backed a step in alarm. "What are you doing?" I asked, my voice unnaturally high pitched.
"Shelby Hendricks," he said, not breaking my gaze. "Will you marry me?"
I clasped my hands to my mouth, and for a moment I considered it, a life with David. It was safe, comfortable. I knew what to expect and there was security in that. But despite what he claimed, his sweet words, I knew I could never truly be happy.
I glanced at the people who had stopped to watch and my cheeks heated. I met David's gaze and shook my head.
"I can't believe you're proposing right now," I said. "I can't."
He frowned. "Isn't this what you want? So you don't have to move to New York?"
"You don't understand," I cried. I sought the right words, the ones that would make him understand, but none came. "I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry."
He gaped, eyes wide with surprise. "What? Shelby, wait!"
I was already gone - jogging back to my car. The pit in my stomach clenched and my eyes burned with tears. I pulled over a few blocks later when the tears blurred my vision, the knot in my stomach so tight I thought I might puke.
Despair and loneliness still clung to my stomach, but there was something liberating, freeing about finally letting go of David. Hopes and dreams. I knew my dream of being a dancer wouldn't be easy, but I could never forgive myself knowing I had a chance and never took it.
Despite the feeling of loneliness and despair, despite the fear that clung to my heart, I smiled through my tears for this new chapter in my life.
...
A/N: Thanks for reading!
1. In the beginning - did you think the character was ungrateful (because of her reaction to the flowers)?
2. Is the ending corny/cliche? Is the proposing thing too far? I thought maybe it was too much, and the scene moved too quickly, but I think I'd like to get other opinions.
3. Were you interested the whole time? Or were there parts that were boring (or was the whole thing boring?)?
I generally don't write stories such as this, so please feel free to be brutal and honest - you're not going to hurt my feelings.
(Also, I know the name sucks but I couldn't come up with anything better. )
Thanks, much! :)
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140,081 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I'm not as good at writing reviews compared to others so sorry in advance.
An overall view of the story: It was well described, the words you used were really effective in portraying the emotions that the characters were displaying. It was simple to understand and I had no difficulty following the story.
1.*In the beginning - did you think the character was ungrateful (because of her reaction to the flowers)?*
No, she had an internal moment, that's all. People get present that they wished was a little bit better all the time. I think that it helped the reader to sympathize with the character. The inner conflict part made it a more personal situation for the reader.
2. Is the ending corny/cliche? Is the proposing thing too far? I thought maybe it was too much, and the scene moved too quickly, but I think I'd like to get other opinions.
Well, I would say that the ending could have been stretched out a little more, I believe that it's kind of a loophole to wrap up the story quickly. I think you should have given David more time to calm down in the story because it might seem that his personality fluctuates too often.
3. Were you interested the whole time? Or were there parts that were boring (or was the whole thing boring?)?
The story had my attention throughout, I think that you should have stretched out the scene where the character calls her best friend. I would have like to know how their friendship came to be and how their friendship lost its strength over time. I think we should get more attached before you cut her off.
It was a great story overall, keep at it!
Hi Solan, thanks for the review and welcome to YWS!
I agree that the ending should be longer and not as rushed - I'll keep it in mind when I rewrite it.
Hiya, Lumos! Pan dropping in for a quick review. I'm going to address all of your questions, but I'll expand on them and offer some other thoughts and advice. Overall, I like the shape of this story - I particularly like the simplicity of the conflict and how character-driven it is. All of the groundwork is there, but it does feel a bit muddled to read at the moment. More on that later. Let's get to your questions.
In the beginning - did you think the character was ungrateful (because of her reaction to the flowers)?
I didn't. In principle, I think that moment is a really excellent way of showing the turbulence in David and Shelby's relationship. In practice, I think you could've been subtler about it. Let's look at it in a bit more detail.
The first thing that struck me was David's dialogue. It feels unnatural for David to say 'roses' when it's evident from the context what type of flowers they are, and when the reader is also already aware. You could trim it down to something like this:
He stepped inside, holding out a large bouquet of pink roses.
"Your favorite," he said.
It's snappier, but none of the meaning is lost. I think one of your bigger problems in this piece is how you handle your dialogue. There are no major issues with it - it's just subtle things, like I've discussed here, that rob it of its naturalism.
I think stripping down David's dialogue would also make the moment less...obvious, almost? While I do think it's a great interaction for illustrating their relationship troubles, it does feel like you lean rather heavily on it, like you're holding up a flashing sign that says 'lovers in crisis!' By having him say 'I know you said they're your favourite' when she clearly never has, it makes him seem not just presumptive, but like he's actively and blatantly ignored Shelby when she's voiced her preferences. Which makes him seem like an undeniable bad guy rather than a complicated character.
In summary, I think it's a good moment, but a bit heavy-handed. It comes across like you're trying a bit too hard to portray David as the bad guy. I want to share in Shelby's uncertainty and be left thinking 'is she overreacting or is he really making no effort?' At the moment, I'm almost too confident that Shelby is in the right, which makes her conflict over leaving him more straightforward and less interesting.
It's also worth mentioning that this trend continues throughout the whole dinner scene, as well. David is too heavily villainous and appears quite two-dimensional to me. I have no problem with him being domineering and unfair, but I still want him to feel like a person. For us to relate to Shelby's conflict and desire to please him, we have to see a side of him that's likeable. At the moment, I just find him quite unpleasant, controlling, and hypocritical.
Is the ending corny/cliche? Is the proposing thing too far? I thought maybe it was too much, and the scene moved too quickly, but I think I'd like to get other opinions.
I wouldn't necessarily call it cliché, but I definitely think that it's rushed. The main issue comes from the fact that you do an about-face on David's character, suddenly showing him to be much more tender. After his unpleasantness in the first scene, it's quite jarring. If we saw flashes of his softer side earlier in the story, it might not feel as strange.
I'm not against the story ending with David proposing. I really love the idea of a story focusing on just how hard it is to break free of controlling people, precisely because they don't always feel like they're being controlling. Abusers can act loving and caring and make their victims feel special, but it doesn't mean they're not abusers. Your story is well positioned to explore that.
However, it's a delicate topic, and it hinges crucially upon how you portray David. Because he's leaning much more towards the domineering villain side of the scale, I can't really sympathise with Shelby's even momentary hesitancy when he asks her to marry him. I'm just impatient for her to get out of there.
Were you interested the whole time? Or were there parts that were boring (or was the whole thing boring?)?
I certainly wasn't bored! It did engage me and I wanted to know how everything turned out. I think the main things to work on in this story are the details - just fleshing all of your characters out into people and slowing the pacing down somewhat. I felt that the story escalated rather quickly on the whole. In the second scene in particular, you unveil a lot of information about Audrey in a hurried fashion, so I didn't really have time to adjust to the developments. Taking a slower pace would help with that.
I hope this review helped! If you've any other questions, please do ask me.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks so much for this super helpful review!
I didn't think about the dialogue being "off," but now that you've pointed it, it makes sense. It does seem forced, because it is - I was trying to make it obvious that there's problems, and I can see now that doesn't work well.
I've noticed it's one of my weaknesses to have a fast moving story and to rush through things (I'm just so excited to get the words out, I guess) - definitely something for me to work on.
Thanks again!
Hallå!
This was pretty great! I wasn't sure going into it if I'd dig the story, but what elevated the piece to me—what kept me interested and made me really enjoy it—was the quality of the writing itself, and the characters. This is an awesome character study. The reader gets a really good sense of who these characters are—which is made extra impressive by the fact that this was such a short piece. You did a lot with a little. In particular, I loved how you explored the dynamics between Shelby and David, and Shelby and Audrey.
With the former, you managed to right away establish the tension and dysfunction of Shelby and David's relationship, and you did so in a way that was perfectly subtle. Those little nuances—like him not bringing the right kind of flowers—were an excellent way to alert to the audience that these are two people who aren't totally compatible, or as familiar with one another as they should be. A lot of times with stories like these, the writer goes overboard—they'll demonstrate a dysfunctional relationship by having a couple seethe at each other, or painting one of the partners as abusive, or having a huge, over-the-top fight. You didn't do any of those things. Instead, you took a more grounded approach, not vilifying either character or exaggerating the flaws of their relationship. What's great is that David isn't presented as some evil bastard—he's clueless, sure, and not nearly as knowledgable about the wants and needs and titular dream of his girlfriend as he should be, but he also seems like a pretty decent guy, not some treacherous ogre. Likewise, Shelby's not just some helpless, blameless ingenue. Both are layered, recognizable humans rather than caricatures, and their relationship is painted with realism. I love how you started setting up the tension and dysfunction of their relationship right from the start, so that the inevitable break-up doesn't seem to come from left-field—nor does it seem to be only about her wanting to go to New York. It's clear there's other issues at play between the two, so her choice makes sense. It's not outside the realm of realism.
Then her relationship with Audrey is also great: it's relatable, and you illustrate that strange feeling of growing apart from a once-close friend really well. Plus, there's that envy angle—how old friends can be jealous of one another, and feel dissatisfied with the way their lives turned out. That knee-jerk instinct to compare your life to those around you, and how it can get in the way of feeling happy for your friends. That's complex stuff, and you touch on it well (without getting too side-tracked).
As for the writing itself, it's very polished, pretty professional. There's not many mistakes in this. Your language is good—not too flowery or pretentious, yet also not achingly simplistic—and the pacing is, for the most part, solid (I'll get to the exception in a minute). Your imagery's nice. The way you treat Shelby—how you explore her thoughts and feelings—is sophisticated and smart. Really, the writing's great. Some of the best I've seen on this site.
As for criticism, I don't have too much. I do think the plot isn't the most original, but you put your own spin on it and, like I said, your character work and smooth writing compensate. Obviously you know what you're doing.
Here's a hodgepodge of other complaints:
"Tablecloth" is one word, and the word "table" is a bit repetitive here.
One small reoccurring problem with this piece is that you switch tenses a few times. Most of the story is written in past tense, but occasionally you slip into present. In the example I've quoted here, "frown" should be "frowned."
Another tense switch. Should be "plastered."
Should say, "for which I was grateful."
"Take" should be "took."
You can quote "this dancing thing" or italicize it. Doing both isn't really necessary.
"I cut myself off" or "I cut myself short" would be clearer. Also, "as my voice choked with unshed tears" sounds pretty overwrought and hammy.
Looks like you accidentally left out the word "to" after "no." Happens to the best of us!
This is a run-on sentence, and a bit confusing (when he was gone, the door slammed?). I'd suggest rephrasing it so that it reads, "As he left, the door slammed shut so hard the cabinets rattled. I sank into my chair, face buried in my hands."
Should say, "fracturing my heart." And maybe add "away" after "chipped."
Another tense switch. "Say" needs to be "said."
In American English (which this piece seems to be written in), "all right" is the correct spelling.
Hyphenate "high-pitched."
So, the only part where the pacing went sideways was this bit, with David's proposal. If I had to point to one specific sentence as the most egregious example, it would be this. You rush through these lines by connecting them all into one hasty, breathless sentence, not bothering to stop and consider what you've actually written here. Shelby considers the proposal? She thinks over a life with David? Well, that sure sounds interesting—why not let the reader see it? You're good at going into her head. It would've been nice if we could've heard the thoughts going through it right at this moment, as he proposed. Don't just quickly summarize it by saying "I briefly considered it," show us her consideration, her thinking and mulling and deciding no, she won't do it. We're invested in her at this point, and it feels like too much of a cheat to skip over a pivotal scene.
Anyway, all of that being said, time to answer your questions:
No, not at all! I mean, she didn't say anything to him about it. We all have thoughts like that, even if we don't want to admit it. All of us think "aw man, I wish they'd gotten me a better gift" at some point in our lives. To me, that humanized her, and established their general incompatibility. Additionally, the fact that she didn't voice her complaint—just swallowed it down—was relatable, realistic, and made her seem polite.
The one thing that I would caution you about is that it felt like a bit much when you had David bemoaning Shelby's use of marshmallows, because you had literally just had Shelby internally bemoaning the flowers, so it felt a tad repetitive and too coincidental. Like, do neither of these characters know each other at all? I would've liked it if you'd shown David complaining about something else, something that was starkly different to Shelby's issue. For instance, she's annoyed he doesn't know her preferred type of flower, and he's annoyed that she keeps biting her nails. Having them both be bothered by the other one's lack of remembrance toward their preferences just felt too simple.
A little bit. In fairness, I always find stories where the protagonist goes off to pursue their dreams a bit cheesy (well, unless that dream is immediately crushed). Still though, I think you "earned" that ending because you imbued the story with a lot of realism and grit, so it wasn't like you wrote a saccharine Disney movie or something.
Nah, I thought it was fine. It also emphasized their lack of compatibility, once again: here she is, ready to break up, and he thinks it's time to propose. It was clever.
The scene did progress too quickly, that is true. That's the main thing I would tell you to change about this piece. Stretch it out a little, have fun with it. Show us some back-and-forth between Shelby and David, and really explore Shelby's mind in that moment. That's my advice.
Yes!
I don't recall anything boring me. It was a very entertaining piece.
That's surprising! It seemed like you've been down this block many times before. (Which, of course, I mean as a compliment.)
Eh, don't worry about it. I think it's fine, and well-suited to the material.
Overall, this was quite enjoyable. Your writing is very good. That ending could use a little work, just to seem less rushed, and you have to watch out for those tense switches—but, otherwise? This is one of the best stories I've read on here so far. You should feel impressed with yourself.
Write on~
Jezebel
Hi Jezebel (love the name!), thanks so much for the review! Those tense changes are my weakness - they get me every time. For some reason I always start writing in present tense, catch myself and then decide to change to past tense. It's weird and I can't explain why haha.
I figured I'd rushed the ending (that's also a weakness of mine), but I was pretty unsure how rushed it really felt.
Generally, I like sticking to the fantasy and lots of action and fighting, but experimenting is fun!
Thanks again for this well-thought out review - it's been super helpful!
Lumos
No problem! And thanks for the compliment about my username. Yours is also great!