z

Young Writers Society


12+

Mabel's Gardens

by Lumos


Chessie watched as her sister gingerly wrapped the cat’s wound. The cat kept turning around, bumping her body against Eila’s arms and legs, meowing pitifully.

“Why do you care about this vermin?” Chessie asked gruffly.

“Everything in this world deserves to know what love feels like,” was Eila’s response.

It didn’t matter who or what you are, if you were in danger or needed help, Eila would drop everything in a heartbeat to help. She’d once tried to save a mouse that had been caught in a trap, but it died a few hours later and Eila was in tears at the life she couldn’t save.

That’s just who Eila was.

Now, Eila was bed ridden and had to be hand fed. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong, and so all she could do was watch.

And so she watched. Day after day, she watched as Eila faded away.

Chessie knocked on the door of an old cottage that had beaten by the elements. Despite some missing shingles and the siding peeling off, it looked sound and sturdy.

She stood straighter and lifted her chin, prepared to fight for what she came for.

The woman who answered the door was young and beautiful, with honey-colored hair that touched her waist. Chessie was taken by surprise. She had heard stories about the woman, and expected her to look much older, like a witch.

“Hello, Mabel,” Chessie said, not waiting for Mabel to respond. “I’ve heard of your gardens and of what the fruits and vegetables can do. I request an audience with you.”

Mabel stared at Chessie, running her eyes along her body. Chessie tensed, prepared for the worst.

“Of course,” Mabel said, moving to usher Chessie inside her cottage.

The cottage smelled clean, like soap and linens. Chessie noted the simplicity of the cottage and the lack of decoration.

“What brings you here, dear? Have some tea and relax. You make me nervous looking so tense.”

Chessie accepted the tea and launched into her speech. She told Mabel about her sister’s illness and how she’s seen more than a dozen doctors, of which none can diagnose what’s wrong with her.

When she heard of Mabel’s gardens, she was in disbelief. How could something like a cucumber or tomato heal illnesses within days? But Eila got worse every day, and so Chessie set out to find this woman and her mysterious gardens.

“I’ll pay whatever you ask,” Chessie said. She tossed a sack of coins on the table.

Mabel eyed the sack distastefully. “I don’t accept money, girl. I can give you something that will heal your sister. Make her healthy, like before. But it comes a very steep price.”

Chessie waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, she reluctantly asked, “What?”

Mabel smiled. “From you, a memory would be fine. It’s a rather fair trade. Your sister’s life for one memory.”

Chessie reeled back in her chair. Was this woman serious?

Mabel noticed the look on Chessie’s face and stood. “I can see you’re about to say no. If that’s the case, please leave so I can continue on my day.”

Panic gripped her chest and she jumped to her feet. “No! I’ll do it. Whatever memory you want. My sister’s life is worth it.”

“Great!” Mabel chirped. “I think my tomatoes should do the trick.”

Chessie’s heart sunk as she drowned out the woman’s chatter. A memory? What could that mean? Chessie could never be like Eila – so caring and tender. What would the world be without a girl like Eila?

She couldn’t fathom the thought. Before she could rethink, she followed the woman to a small, dark room.

The market was uncomfortably warm, and despite being surrounded by people, Chessie felt utterly alone. She bit her tongue to keep the tears back. It didn’t bother her that she was going to cry.

What drove her crazy was the fact that her heart felt as if it had been shattered and a feeling of deep sorrow overwhelmed her and she didn’t know why. Nobody had died and nothing terrible had happened. But still, something cold and unwavering clung to her chest and refused to let go.

“Chessie!”

She turned towards the voice. It was a girl, only a few years younger than her. Her eyes were a stunning shade of blue. The stranger ran straight forward, wrapping in her in a hug. Just as quickly as she came, she retreated, taking a step away and observing Chessie.

Chessie didn’t move, shocked that a stranger had hugged her. And how did this girl know her name?

“Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you for weeks! I’ve been worried sick…” the girl trailed off.

“I’m – I’m sorry, you must have mistaken me for somebody else,” Chessie stuttered. Something about the girl looked so familiar, but she couldn’t remember how she knew the girl.

Concern clouded the girl’s face. “What are you talking about!? I’m your sister, Eila, remember?”

Her heart clenched. She was blinking back tears. She was going to lose it here, right in front of this stranger.

Chessie shook her head and backed away. Something flashed in Eila’s eyes. Did she feel the same heartbreak?

“I don’t have a sister,” she choked out.

Then she ran, before Eila had a chance to respond. Something about the girl made Chessie’s heartache deepen. She pumped her legs as fast as they could go, letting them carry her past the vendors selling their trinkets and down the cobblestone road that would lead her far, far away.

She didn’t stop until she was far into the forest, where she could only hear the rustling of the leaves and her own sobs.

She collapsed, sobbing so hard her body shook.

When the sobs finally stopped and her tears had run out, she stood up and dusted the dirt off her clothes.

This deep sadness had taken over her life and she didn’t know why or how. She decided with grim determination that she wanted answers and she was going to get them.

So she set off back towards town to find the Eila, the girl who called herself Chessie’s sister.


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Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:55 am
Hijinks wrote a review...



Hello!
A really good plot. I would just recommend a bit more emotion, maybe also a bit more description of Chessie and her sister so we can picture them. Maybe as she runs through the forest, she tears the fabric on her dress - what's the furniture in the enchantresses house like?
But really, pretty darn good!




Lumos says...


Thanks for the review, pearlC10!



Hijinks says...


You're welcome!



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Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:52 am
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Nymeria wrote a review...



Hey, it's Nymeria for a review!
First off, I absolutely loved it. The ending was especially good, giving that shimmer of hope even though we readers don't know for sure what happens. I love how Chessie says she could never be like her caring sister, and yet does everything in her power to save her. It's a good example of how people are always looking down on themselves. And also for that reason, both characters were likable. It takes a good writer to make me like a person who doesn't like cats.

I don't have any real strong criticism for this. In the beginning, Elia is wrapping the cat's wound, but it's stated after that she has to be hand-fed. How could she wrap a wound but not feed herself? There's some confusion there. Also in the beginning there's some second person, which I thought was a little awkward because the story isn't exactly from Chessie's point of view, but a narrator. The last thing I'll point out is that if the story is from Chessie's POV (but still 3rd person) you could add some more personality in some spots, like when describing the cat in the beginning.

Those things are all really small, you did an awesome job overall. The ending is especially powerful and leaves the reader thinking. Thanks for sharing!

~Nymeria




Lumos says...


Wow, thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) thanks for pointing out the transition in the beginning. You're right - I didn't make that very clear. Thanks again!



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Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:01 am
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Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello, Falx here to review!

So...wow. Just wow. I swear I almost cried when I read this. At first, I wasn't too sure of it, but then by the end I was nearly in tears - which, congrats, I don't cry easily.

The grammar and punctuation and spelling was flawless (except for one typo, I think, where 'your' was misspelled, but that's a nitpick) and the story was short, emotional, and entertaining.

The one piece of criticism I have is this: I would suggest adding a bit more detail and description. Not too much, and it doesn't have to be flowery, just a little.

Nice job, and I hope to see you around!

~ Fea




Lumos says...


Thank you,Fae!! I will try to add a little more detail! :)



Featherstone says...


You're welcome! :)



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Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:56 am
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SynonymousTom wrote a review...



Hey Lumos! I'm Tom. I'll be leaving a review for this wonderful piece today :)

Let me start by saying this was an amazing read, and I cannot emphasize that enough. I honestly had my doubts when I skimmed through and saw how short this was, but boy was I wrong! This story is extremely powerful, moving, depressing, and emotional. I can't get over how well you wrote this. It's very simple, the diction is in no way overly complicated, and the characters are well developed enough to feel for them even in such a short span of reading.

So like I said I love this story as a whole, but this small segment is by far my favorite. I feel as though its a perfect example of how well written this piece is:

"The cottage smelled clean, like soap and linens. Chessie noted the simplicity of the cottage and the lack of decoration."

It's a very simple and minute description, but perfectly describes everything you need to understand the setting of Chessie and Mabel's exchange. It instills a serene and simple environment, and gave me the feeling that little to no noise existed besides their words, emphasizing the feeling of their conversation.

The minute Eila approached Chessie but Chessie didn't recognize her, I pieced it all together immediately, but I don't think that's an issue at all. I wasn't able to predict the memory Mabel was going to take, but once Chessie encountered the "stranger," it all came together very quick. And I still was intrigued more than enough to keep blazing through the story with anticipation to see what happens. I think that's an amazing quality you were able to bring into this short story.

Now I could keep drooling about this short piece of yours, but I do want to point out one small critique as well as two grammatical errors I noticed!

After Eila and Chessie's initial introductory conversation, I don't think the transition to Eila being bed ridden is as smooth as it could be. It took me a moment to identify the opening conversation as the past. I recommend fixing that by simply changing these two sentences:

"Now, Eila was bed ridden and had to be hand fed. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong, and so all she could do was watch."

I would start by taking the first sentence and making it something along the lines of "Now some time later, Eila was bed ridden and had to be hand fed." It's not a huge difference, but I think it's enough of a difference to make it clearer that the preceding scene was in the past.

Then I would take the second sentence and edit it to "The doctors didn't know what was wrong, so all Chessie could do was watch." I took out the "and" and replaced "she" with "Chessie." I thought the "and" was taking away from the fluidity and emotional appeal by being a bit redundant, and by putting in Chessie's name it became much easier to understand who "she" was in that line. Up until that point, we didn't know who the true main character of the story was, and Eila had been the last character mentioned, so it was easy to confuse.

Lastly, here are the two grammatical errors I found for you to fix:

"But it’s comes a very steep price."

"I’m yoru sister, Eila, remember?"

They're just two quick fixes, most likely just typing errors, so nothing major at all here.

I hope my review comes as some sort of help! I LOVED this piece and I'll have my eyes out for more works of yours in the future!

-Tom




Lumos says...


Thanks so much for the kind words, Tom! Thanks for the tips. I'll work on making the beginning less confusing and watch closer for those little typos. I have been focusing on short fiction pieces recently because I have some weird obsession with them haha. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks again for the review!!




have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady