I await, alone,
in the darkness I weep.
The light slowly creeping,
over the mountains it seeps
The sunrise shuns the darkness away,
and my weeping stops,
greeting the light of the day.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Yes, it was good (like usual
). This is not the first time you have made short poems. Try to lengthen them out. But other then being short, it was good.
-- M.B.Author
I won't get into the technical issues, because I'm not much of a poet myself, and I don't really understand the mechanics of it, but I think what really got to me was that the theme was underdeveloped. It's a pretty standard emo teen theme, with maybe a hint of vampire thrown in there.* I don't think it's a bad theme to work from, but I think it could be developed better. Try to come up with your own unique take on it.
On the matter of mechanics, I will say this, though: it's not "too short." Poetry does not have to be long. (Haikus, anyone?)
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*I associate sunrises with vampires.
Not long enough. It was a little weird, and some of the stanzas didn't make since.
If you want it to rhyme, at least fix the plural issue with weep and seeps. I simply think that you don't have a good rhythm down and are just putting in words that rhyme without forming a foundation for them. (Looking at syllables might help!)
Not bad. Your rhythm does seem to be a little off - maybe get rid of the rhyming or work out a scheme you want to stick with.
I think you might also want to open the poem with a more powerful line - try rearranging your lines. I don't think you mean "await" - maybe "wait"? or "awake" like piepiemann22 suggested? Either way I dont think it makes for great impact on your first line.
The last line also lacks punch. Maybe you could expand your poem and the ideas will be more effective.
Adding on to what she said the rhyme over all could be taken out. You may find it easie. Second, the first line, is await awake. If so now you know. Other than that and what Baroness Ink said it is good.
Aside from the capitalization issues and the inconsistent rhyming scheme, it's basically okay. The 3/6 stanzas are a little iffy....the "creeping" throws off the rhyme. Try "reaching" or "stalking".
Second to last stanza is a bit awkward, being a little short. "And the silent tears come to a halt" sounds a little more poetic.
The only other shaky part is the length- it's not very long.