I stole a glance
of his face
and fell in love right there
A sudden rush
that made me flush
I couldn't help but stare
A class we had
was a big mess-up
he completely avoided me
I tried to hide
behind a curtain of hair
so I couldn't see
He was dangerous
not just because
he was super strong
But because my blood
called to him
just like a love song
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Wow. That was really cool
I liked it.
I found it a little hard to follow at times.
Still fantastic.
Wow. That was really cool
I liked it.
I found it a little hard to follow at times.
Still fantastic.
Some pointers, poems don't have to rhyme, nor do they have to have a set rhythm. There's a style called free verse where it has neither rhyme nor meter (rhythm). Your rhyming here actually isn't that bad. (Better than mine, I suck.) But you metering seems so forced. And you cut it so short. Overall you need to add more for us to "see." Imagery is a very powerful tool, though somewhat tricky to master. Try to see if you can get this as a stand-alone poem instead of having to say, "You have to read Twilight to get it." That way you'll get more audience. Keep writing though! This has potential!
~Yoyo
Awesome! I know about Twilight, but, don't read it.
I guess it follows the story...?
Anyway, I like your ryming. Good job.
-- M.B.Author
w00t!! goooo Twilight!! Go Edward!!!
its very nice...but....(there's always a but...)
the line:
I tried to hide
behind a curtain of hair
so I couldn't see
its longer than the other two, which throws the rhythm off...you might need to work on that. i won't tell you; its better if you learn yourself...
but otherwise, keep up the good work!!
Very nice!
It's about the Twilight trilogy, right?
I've read those books. They rock!
The only thing that bothered me was that in places it sounded a bit stiff. Here's an example:
That last phrase [just like a love song] is a little longer than the rest, so it sounds a little odd. Unfortunately, I'm no expert on poetry, so i can't seem to think of any ways to fix this. But still, if you didn't change it, it would still be good
I don't like the 'super strong'. It sounds kind of...goofy? I don't know. Either way, it is starkly in contrast to the rest of the poem.
OVERALL:
I really like this poem--it's simple but pleasant, and I can relate it to the story too
Well, there isn't much more I can say!
PM me if you want to me to critique anything else of yours!
Keep writing,
.:Ayra:.
P•S•- I'm not a moderator, so I can't move this, but I think this belongs in 'Romantic poetry'. ^_^