Vestige
A dark crimson tinge is glimmering at the end of the horizon,
reflected back by the puddles of tears that had been shed.
The wind laments terribly, crashing down like thunderous waves,
and I sit all alone,
being led astray by my thoughts.
The universe seems to slow down,
as time reaches its zenith.
The path that I am heading for
is illuminated by an unknown future.
I want to go on
towards my destiny,
to find my rightful position in this world.
To reach into space and graze against the field of stars,
holding onto a chain of broken dreams and memories.
I will embrace
and carry forth my mission.
And together, we shall walk to a brighter tomorrow,
leaving behind our vestiges of the past.
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Hi Lil Pau! Kat's here - as requested!
So, let's get on to it
This is well written. Your word choice and metaphor are really good. Good job.
The only small problem I see in this, is your rhythm. It changes in the two last lines. Cut the brake and put them together. That way, you keep your lines and arrange your flow.
Now, this really changes the flow. It's consistent with the last two lines of the first stanza, but not with the firsts. The thoughts behind this stanza are well displayed, but not very deep. I think you could have develop a little bit more on this.
Girl you really need to adjust your flow! This is a bit hard to read, because it has so many length differences between the lines. Add and take away some syllables.
In the second line, instead of a comma but a semi-colon. This is very different of the rest of your poem. The last two lines sound poetic, like the ones in the first stanza. But the first three just sound.. desperate. A cry for help.
Nice ending. I think it fits the poem. Just one thing: join the first two lines. That way you adjust your flow again. Cut the second 'and'. It sounds too off.
That's it! Remember, these are just my thought and opinions. Don't fell obligated to follow them
*Kat*
Feel free to Pm me if you need anything! And stop by my thread for another review