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E - Everyone

sorry, sorry, sorry

by Lightsong



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Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:59 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Light,

So right off the bat, I've gotta say I'm a fan of this unconventional formatting. It's not only unique/interesting but it serves a purpose and actually adds clarity to the piece in my opinion because it shows these different threads of personhood. Each person has to live with the biology and feelings toward and inherited from both their mother and father and this somehow creates one cohesive 'person' or in this case one cohesive poem.

Meaning
Let's get to the meaning,
I interpret this poem to be about a person who keeps lingering on an abusive relationship they had with their father and how that experience continues to restrict their life. They play back the time in the mind when they lashed back at their father and they feel culpability for it and wish for their mother's sake that they could make a full apology and be forgiven, but for a reason not revealed in the poem, it seems they cannot. The bookends of the poem deal with the speaker being almost trapped in their mind and with their memories, they're very internalized and can't escape the thoughts that they have. This is quite an interesting meaning, and has a little narrative threaded through.

Some questions I had from the story aspect were:
1. Was the Father ever physically abusive as well, or just the son in response to the father?
Because in the poem, the only one who lashes out physically was the son, which makes me wonder if they began the cycle of abuse or if they were a victim that ended up lashing out.

2. Why can't they apologize to their mother, and why do they feel like it's so important that they do?

3. What at the beginning of the poem triggers this descent into these memories or reflections?

Stanza by Stanza suggestions

Stanzas 1 & 2
I think this would be more effective it was all written in present tense rather than flip-flopping. For instance if you change "erupted" to "erupts". The colour imagery I thought was a bit vague just because it wasn't quite clear what it was referring to, even after reading the poem. The red could be blood, the black shadow or blacking-out, but what about the brown? I wonder if you could either use some piece of imagery more clearly connected with the rest of the poem or bring the colors more closely into the rest of the piece.


Stanzas 3 & 4 left
I think in stanza 3 the wording could be a bit more direct. For some reason the wording sounds a tad stilted, like you're walking around what you're saying rather than just saying it.

Just a few unnatural turns of phrases there.
"lashing out" is normally described as being "towards" someone rather than "to someone"
"the only thing"...."mockery and anger" -- so "thing" is singular, then you have "mockery & anger" which are two "things"
and "mockery" is a bit of an odd noun in this context.

But, I do really enjoy the idea being expressed - that the words squeeze at the speaker's lungs and the anger happening towards them is constricting so that there's no life left in the speaker.

Stanza 4, I like that you use a concrete example of the character's interactions. The formal language with "manifested", "mockery" etc is an odd contrast with the content of what's happening. But maybe shows a separation/disconnect of what the narrator is feeling/experiencing and writing/interpreting.

Small nit-pick "free" should be "freed"

Stanzas 5 & 6 right
The metaphors used in these stanzas are all pretty quirky. For me I'm not entirely sure they worked. I'm not quite sure what "zip"/"unzipped" mouth means - except that she could get the Father to stop speaking, but the "zip" imagery makes it seem like a sort of passive and calm interaction.

Then the part about the speaker being made of "plastic and metal" doesn't really get returned to, and so I'm not sure what it's supposed to signify. It seems like you need one more line or word explaining why that metaphor works.

Last metaphor, "fly ruining food" - again isn't filled with as much rage and anger as I'm feeling from the left stanzas. A fly is a minor annoyance, versus something not allowing a person to breathe which is deadly.

I like the comparison to the father cursing to spouting toxic though as it goes really well with the comparison in stanza 3 with the lungs.

Stanzas 7 & 8
I like stanza 7, with the continuity from the rest of the piece. I would change "I have made" to "I have committed" maybe.

The last stanza, I like the first two lines again - great imagery to put the memories with the moon and darkness. But I don't quite understand where the poem ends, I get the sense that the speaker just wants to be done with their parents or at least their father and the painful memories accompanied with that, but I'm not entirely sure what is meant by "I could not end them" - is "them" referring to the parents or the memories, or the "whisper" from the stanza before?

Other
A few times in the poem it felt like the speaker was describing what was happening from an out of body experience, like they weren't in the scene. For instance, "I saw her crying, sacrificing her self in the middle of Father and me, pleading me to stop spouting toxic whenever he cursed at me" - the phrase "I saw her" isn't necessary, but makes the narrator strangely disconnected. "My frustration manifested" is another example, it seems almost like the speaker is narrating their own emotions as an outside viewer. In the line "hand clutching my head" again - it's like the hand has a mind of its own outside of the speaker.

Overall
Overall this was another fresh poem, totally unique from anything I've read before from you or others. And I would love to see you continue to use formatting aspects like this in your piece. I think the main things to work on in this poem would be some minor wording changes for clarity and flow, and maybe making sure that all of the metaphors that you use are developed and clear.

I look forward to reading your next piece!

Let me know if you have any questions about my review. :)

~alliyah

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Wed Apr 18, 2018 2:15 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



Ello....Liz here for, what I hope will be a review.

Okay first off I just wanna say that I loved this. The way you set it up was so unique from others. How you italicized the word sorry. And the overall idea of the poem itself. You did a great job.

But, on the other hand about the way that you set up your poem, there is one small problem. The stanzas are right beside each other. And there was a little bit of a mix up with me. Which one goes first???? But after a few seconds I got it. It was fine.

And lastly, I loved this poem. You did fantastic on it. Congratulations, and keep up the good work.




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Tue Apr 17, 2018 11:47 pm
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manilla says...



how am i supposed to review this ahhh it's so goodddd.




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Mon Apr 16, 2018 3:04 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I think this is a very nice poem, but I think with the story you are trying to portray, that it would work better with it being read aloud with different voices for when you branched out to the 2 stanzas side by side. I could see what was going on, but it would be better read aloud like spoken poem (look at Neil Hilborn for ideas. you can find him on youtube, he has fantastic spoken poems).

I love the language you used in this. The only grammar/spelling mistake that I could see was when you used close instead of closed in your last stanza. I hope this was helpful, Keep writing, Legacy out.




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Mon Apr 16, 2018 1:59 am
EagleFly says...



Hi there @Lightsong I think that this is realy good but can you trigh to line each of the pleases up in one line so that I no I am reading it is alder, but other then that it is great, keep up with the good work. :D

From @MoonFlower




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Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:32 pm
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WanderlustStardust wrote a review...



Hai!! Berri here for a review! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I loved the images in this. "...sacrificing herself/in the middle of Father and me, pleading me to stop/spouting toxic..." was just so chilling to read, and my favorite little part in this is, "...I wished/my body was made of plastic and metal/and the switch to shut it down was at my fingertips." That one little sentence means so much to me. It's so relatable, and fragile. (*´▽`*)Love it.

The way you broke up your poem was interesting, but also confusing. I read the section talking about Father first, then Mother, but I think it also works as Father, Mother, Father, Mother, like a back-and-forth interchange. Maybe you can space them out one line below one another? But that's just me. (-。-;

There was only one thing I saw that might be a mistake- "...filling my mind until my eyes were close/under the moon..." I like the fact that it says "close," but it seems like it should be "closed". But otherwise, you did a really nice job with this poem! ヾ(´▽`*)ノ☆

Keep on writing!

Berri out! ╰( ・ ᗜ ・ )╯





If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson