Lightsong! Sorry that this review is long overdue!
This is a really solid poem, and I the concept here is lovely. The title makes me think the poem is going to be some sort of scientific analysis of love and desire, and then my expectations are challenged right in the first line by the metaphor with the sky.
Meaning/Interpretation
I took the overall meaning of the piece to be that the speaker is trying to reconcile the fact that love doesn't make logical sense, and that it's not easy (they have to "carve the way") it almost seems like they have to go against all the natural forces of the world just to get at what they most desire.
It felt like some of the parts of the poem were a bit scattered, and had difficulty sticking to a central message. I would say, it's okay for a poem to meander a bit around what it's really saying, but make sure that everything that ends up in the final version really deserves to be there. Because extra content most of the time waters down the overall concept rather than adding adornment to the main idea. On the same topic as this, most of the time I thought this poem was about relationship longing and love, but the end of stanza 4/beginning of 5, made me wonder if it's all about money instead? I would say if it's about money, that should be clearer from the beginning (maybe with some green imagery or other similar allusions) or if it's about relationship love, then the talk about money seems a bit misplaced.
Wording
I'm skimming over @Wisteria's review, and everything they said I think I would agree on.
There are just a few wording issues here and there. Also watch the little words that get repeated a lot, as their repetition occasionally made the poem feel wordy for me (even though in general I felt this was a rather concise/to the point piece).
I like that the poem sort of circled back on these ideas of logic/science (with talk about rocks falling - gravity, and evaporation, and blood, and nature) versus love/reality (mistletoe, and hopes and dreams) conflicts. I think it would be interesting if you took the scientific moments and made them even more "sciencey" to draw out this contrast - maybe by talking about scientific theories like gravity, water resistance, O2 and H2O or just changing up some of the words for more technical sounding ones. Like "Sialia currucoides" rather than bird, or "inadequate/minuscule" rather than small. That's just a thought though!
Individual Stanza Thoughts
Stanza 1 is gold. Great opening.
Stanza 2 I love the extended water imagery and how we come back to that in stanza 5. I wish there weren't quite so many "its"/"it" though. Also I think "lung" should be plural.
Stanza 3 This stanza feels very open and vulnerable. And connects the imagery and conflicts from before right to the speaker's own life. I don't think you need all the repetition of "maybe" though. The line about the "greenery, birds chirping, and fresh air" felt a tad generic compared to your other powerful imagery too. It's not a bad a line, it just didn't feel quite as fresh to me.
Stanza 4 This was really strong. It makes it feel like the whole poem is climbing up to this point. "my desire isn't logical" seems to sum up the poem, and I like that you don't say it right away, but give us the preceeding stanzas to get to this point.
Also:
"despair will fall on me like a boulder.
I guess it’s a process of learning
to let go."
Wow -- very visual, almost humorous, and just a perfect description. It's just a poignant image, that despair crushes the speaker like a giant boulder, and then almost an after-thought, they're like "maybe I should let go of this rock that's on top of me". Easier said than done! I liked those lines a lot, and the line-breaks heightened the punch line.
Stanza 5
This is the part of the poem I didn't quite get:
to shelter wealth, but non-existent in reality
or maybe it’s a realization that
money doesn’t appear from thin air, that
love isn’t under the mistletoe.
I like the idea of the hopes evaporating and the thin air, but the whole line isn't quite a complete sentence, and the stuff about wealth just makes me a bit confused. Like I'm not sure where it came from.
I enjoyed these final lines,
and dive into the deepest of the ocean
and what I need to do is
carve the way.
Especially because they incorporate aspects from earlier in the poem - like the breathing, and water, and struggle. I wish there was some connection with the first stanza though, like anything about hands or skies. But either way, it's a beautiful finish for the piece.
Last Thoughts
Overall this is a great poem. I like the journey it takes the reader on. And even if a person didn't get any of the meaning of it (which won't happen) I think they could still love this poem for the beautiful imagery woven in alone.
Please let me know if you have any questions about the review!
best,
alliyah
Points: 144400
Reviews: 1227
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