Young Writers Society

Hey,
I really enjoyed the brutally honest wording here, and it is always refreshing to read something that's so open and vulnerable. The only critique I could give is it needs consistency. I kinda get confused because it talks about how much you want to be with this person, and then it calls that person a "coward." And perhaps that's the beauty of this poem: the confusing, mixed, genuine emotion that's displayed.
VintageSongbird

Hey there Light! I'm late as usual, but here I am!

I'm really liking the concise nature of this piece, I think your word precision here makes the emotions come out really clear. You're not dancing around words in this piece, but telling the reader exactly the emotions and feelings you want to convey

For example in the closing stanza, "After we part ways, I hope/ the world that clashes with your desire/would not stop you" -- very direct.

In some places I was missing your more flowery metaphors and narrative that I find in more of your poetry. A suggestion would be to see if you can weave the metaphor of dance earlier into the poem, or give a bit more to the story aspect of the piece. Although for the most part I think being concise really helped this poem, just maybe adding some more narrative aspect in the first half of the poem might be a good contrast.

And the theme of two clashing individuals came through from the start too. And I'm so glad that you focused more on the emotional level of these clashes than something cliche (I'm thinking of Taylor Swift's song "She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts"... -- keeping the contrast on the emotional level helps the poem to be much more interesting to reflect on in my opinion.

And the clashing even seems to be going on in the narrator's mind too, as they reflect on how much they'd like to just be in a relationship with this person, but also that they're willing to not blame them and to understand them for who they are.

There were a couple wording areas that I thought sounded a bit odd and I'll grab those quick:

rather than "a tangible enjoyment" -- I think it doesn't need "a" so just -> "tangible enjoyment"

In the second stanza too, I think it's a bit awkward to put "a" in front of "laughter".

In the line "never will made legal" --> I think it should be "never will be made legal"

And lastly, in the last line "would" should be "will".

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Narrative:

As an emotionally driven poem, this piece was really good - the stark line breaks and formatting, word choice, simplicity etc. and the key themes of clashing and "dancing on the edge of hill" really brought this through. Leaving the poem I really feel like the emotion of being in conflict with someone that you really care about really comes through strong.

The narrative aspect of the story came through as well, although wasn't quite as clean as there wasn't a lot of time to develop and grow the story in this short poem. I think it was a bit hard to draw the lines between each of these emotional contrasts you give. So drawing a bit more continuity in the piece (maybe through a metaphor or language that gets continued throughout the piece or maybe bookending the piece with a similar note in the begginning and end) would help this out.

Other things:
I think some of the metaphors you use in this piece are quite strong -- the "walking down the aisle of hell" is quite striking! As well as a "coward under the spotlight".

Loved your play with the formatting here too, the back and forth lines were interesting. The only think I got stuck on was the dash and extra space before "our romance" looked a bit odd/out of place.

Overall this is another good poem, and I am glad you are continuing to play with different styles of formatting and writing poetry, it keeps it interesting!

~alliyah

Whew. This piece is filled with an odd spattering of emotions. Good job! I felt several different things while reading this. In the first stanza, it was almost sorrow, then in the second it was pity that touched me, and I'm not sure if I pity the narrator or the person this is intended for.

On one hand, I'm sorry that the narrator is in a relationship where they feel more than just physical attraction for someone who just wants the "thrill of a touch". On the other hand, we "don't pity the dead. Pity the living who are without love and passion". While I'm not saying the narrator is dead, being in a relationship with a pretender, a coward, can make on feel dead inside. And, in reference to the other half of J.K. Rowling's quote, anyone hiding their feelings from the outside world is in a way hiding from themselves, and I do pity that.

I like the final stanza the best. The narrator, even if frustrated with cowardice, doesn't hate the other person, and I love that. They still want the best for their lover, and that's amazing. It takes a strong person to set aside their hurt.

You have some fantastic lines in this poem, especially the entire second-to-last stanza. You also convey the speaker's frustration towards the cowardice of this other person quite well.

What I'm not sure works here, at parts, is the format. The dashes/brief pauses between the words early on harms the flow for me, delaying the imagery of the contrast just enough that it doesn't really hit as a combined unit of emotion. The third stanza also kills a lot of the momentum of the poem, it's too wordy and makes you have to pause to figure out what the speaker of the poem is saying.