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The Ants That Made Me Smile

by Liberty500


The ants are crawling ever so slowly.
So is my hand, over this key board.
The ants are making a formation.
Putting my mind to a confusion.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My finger glides to the 'H'.
The ants have formed an 'A',
My finger presses the faded 'A'.
The ants have formed a 'P', twice,
My finger double clicks the 'P'
The ants have formed a 'Y',
My finger clicks the 'Y'.
The ants have spelt, H-A-P-P-Y,
This makes me smile.


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624 Reviews


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Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:47 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Liberty, Casanova here to do another review for you.

Alright, the first thing I would like to talk about is punctuation. Generally, I use punctuation depending on the flow of the poem. What do I want this to sound like outloud? How do I want this to be perceived? Should the character be out of breath or should the character be breathless? These are all things I think about whenever I am doing punctuation for a poem, and I think that it could really help you as well.

The next thing I would like to talk about- this is supposed to be a happy poem, correct? It reads,"Happy," but it doesn't really read happy to me, if you know what I mean. The way it's worried makes it seem stiff, formal, and not really something that someone else, or even myself, would genuinely smile at with the way that it's worded. I think some happy word play and messing around with imagery could really help with that, although I could be wrong and this could just be me.

The last thing is actually praise- my favourite thing about this poem was the idea of ants being able to move around like band members in a parade to spell things out. That always excited me growing up, so I do see exactly what you were trying to go for whenever you said that, so i give you props for that idea, and I would like to see that finished if you ever want to go back and try to redo it.

Anyway I think that this is a really good poem idea and I would like to see what you could do with it.

Sincerely, Casa




Liberty500 says...


Thanks again for the review, Cas! I'll for sure go through the poem again and see what I can do. The punctuation thing - I kinda like the idea of thinking of what my reader would be reading the poem as. Breathlessly, slowly, etc. Thanks a lot for that tip!



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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:45 pm
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LordStar wrote a review...



Hi Liberty!

I like the simplicity of this poem. While I feel like the build-up could have led to something a bit more dramatic, it's a sweet poem. I do find that the repetition of the "the ants formed/my finger glides" is a bit repetitive, as it made my eyes skip over the last few lines because I knew what it was going to say. But the poem is short and to the point and overall has a sweet message, so it's good. I do like line eight, the "faded 'a'." That's good imagery. I really enjoyed this poem.

Keep writing,

Oliver




Liberty500 says...


Thank you. I tried to think of other ways to make the repetitive sentences a bit more interesting, but unfortunetly nothing came to my mind... But its fiiiiine...



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Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:49 am
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alliyah says...



How did the ants learn to spell though? So many questions about this poem, though I do really like the idea of a reverse acrostic! How neat! It's a sweet little poem, although the repetition of "the ants" / "my finger" I found to be a bit repetitive, and it felt like there could have been a bigger meaning or reveal at the ending. Keep on writing! :)




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Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:24 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review on your great peace of work.

Let's begin.

The name to your poem was a really good fit, I think it tells you everything you need to know about the poem, and I think that's really cool. The next thing is that it drew me in making me want to read this poem.
It's nice that you haven't made this poem to short, and you started it out very nicely it was easy to read and under stand.

There were a few things I saw, and I would like to tell you.

The first thing is easy.

So is my hand. Over this key board.

I think a comma should be between hand and over. It would make the flow of the sentence a lot better, the thing is when I read this it didn't really feel right.

The next thing is something you don't need to change but I would still like to point it out.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My finger clicks the 'H'.

You say this a lot in the poem, and it makes it feel not so smooth. Maybe try mixing the sentence up a little. Like.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My fingers glide over to the 'H', and press done on it.

I know this isn't that grate, but I think if you say things like this a few times, it would make the flow of your poem a lot better.

But other than that, I really liked reading this work, it was very sweet. I really liked reading and reviewing your poem, and I hope to see more of your work out soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Liberty500 says...


Thank you very much for the wonderful review Shikora! <3
:D





Your welcome! <3




For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn