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The Ants That Made Me Smile

by Liberty500


The ants are crawling ever so slowly.
So is my hand, over this key board.
The ants are making a formation.
Putting my mind to a confusion.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My finger glides to the 'H'.
The ants have formed an 'A',
My finger presses the faded 'A'.
The ants have formed a 'P', twice,
My finger double clicks the 'P'
The ants have formed a 'Y',
My finger clicks the 'Y'.
The ants have spelt, H-A-P-P-Y,
This makes me smile.


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82 Reviews


Points: 411
Reviews: 82

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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:45 pm
Cloudkid wrote a review...



Hi Liberty!

I like the simplicity of this poem. While I feel like the build-up could have led to something a bit more dramatic, it's a sweet poem. I do find that the repetition of the "the ants formed/my finger glides" is a bit repetitive, as it made my eyes skip over the last few lines because I knew what it was going to say. But the poem is short and to the point and overall has a sweet message, so it's good. I do like line eight, the "faded 'a'." That's good imagery. I really enjoyed this poem.

Keep writing,

Oliver




Liberty500 says...


Thank you. I tried to think of other ways to make the repetitive sentences a bit more interesting, but unfortunetly nothing came to my mind... But its fiiiiine...



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771 Reviews


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Reviews: 771

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Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:49 am
alliyah says...



How did the ants learn to spell though? So many questions about this poem, though I do really like the idea of a reverse acrostic! How neat! It's a sweet little poem, although the repetition of "the ants" / "my finger" I found to be a bit repetitive, and it felt like there could have been a bigger meaning or reveal at the ending. Keep on writing! :)




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Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:24 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review on your great peace of work.

Let's begin.

The name to your poem was a really good fit, I think it tells you everything you need to know about the poem, and I think that's really cool. The next thing is that it drew me in making me want to read this poem.
It's nice that you haven't made this poem to short, and you started it out very nicely it was easy to read and under stand.

There were a few things I saw, and I would like to tell you.

The first thing is easy.

So is my hand. Over this key board.

I think a comma should be between hand and over. It would make the flow of the sentence a lot better, the thing is when I read this it didn't really feel right.

The next thing is something you don't need to change but I would still like to point it out.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My finger clicks the 'H'.

You say this a lot in the poem, and it makes it feel not so smooth. Maybe try mixing the sentence up a little. Like.
The ants have formed an 'H',
My fingers glide over to the 'H', and press done on it.

I know this isn't that grate, but I think if you say things like this a few times, it would make the flow of your poem a lot better.

But other than that, I really liked reading this work, it was very sweet. I really liked reading and reviewing your poem, and I hope to see more of your work out soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Liberty500 says...


Thank you very much for the wonderful review Shikora! <3
:D





Your welcome! <3




A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson