Young Writers Society

Liberty Mutual! Jade here to review your poem. The title caught my attention and I had to give it a look! While the title sounds more serious than the poem itself, the title gets a 10/10.

The first two lines do, but you develop a pattern after that; it disrupts the flow and kind of irritates the first half of the poem.

The word choice is adorable, I like how it feels like a young child who is excited to go to playgroup is scared of missing out. I like how soft and light and fun it is!

Lastly, I noticed how every other line had a comma in the middle, breaking the sentence. The first one didn't, messing up the poem. i know it feels like it was the opening, but at the beginning, you set the tone and flow, and this was a rocky start.

I love this poem, nothing you have written since tops it. Keep writing!

Jade

Heya, Liberty, Casanova here with another review.

The first thing I would like to talk about is your stanza spacing. Normally I put ideas and lines that go together, well, together, but here you have a break in them and I'm struggling to find out why? Like, the first and second one could be neat if the flow was right, but you have them broken up and they have different amount of lines/syllables as well, so I'm trying to figure that one out.

Now, the second part of this poem is probably my favourite part. I know this isn't supposed to be humorous or anything, but the line,"I cannot fall ill, as I am very busy," sort of made me laugh, because I think most of us could actually relate to that, which is admirable.

The next thing I would talk about it the blacking out part. Normally when someone has something like that as the theme to their poem, they have a general reasoning here behind it, but, I really can't think of what's going on here. Are they ill? Is it something else? Is it an actual black out like when you're still active but have no memory of anything that's happening or is it like pasing out like when you just pass out and go to sleep for no reasoning? These are a couple of things I would like to know.

Anyway, I think I would like to see this expanded and worked up a bit, and I would love to see where you go with it.

Sincerely,
Cas

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you.

So this is the first time I've seen you do a poem, and to be honest with you, I don't see what your worried about. Your poem is really good. Some of your words rimed really well with each other, giving the poem a good flow, and easy to read.

I think your punctuation is really good, but as I was reading I saw one place that just needed a little fixing up. So I'll get to that right away.

This gloom that is making me dizzy

Hi, and welcome to the poetry side of things! I too posted some of my first real poetry here...You'll improve in no time.

So first things first! Your sequence of events is very logical to follow and we can get a sense of who the main character kind of is. That's good to have, because in poetry, you can choose to omit that, but reveal other things instead. You have a simple but good rhyme scheme, but I can suggest being a little more creative in the future with it, like maybe:

Yours is: AABBCCCDDEE
One could be: AABBAACCAADDAAEE (by the end of the word in each stanza)

That's optional, but it serves to spice things up. I also felt like the tildes weren't necessary, but that's up to you.

Wanting to ask her, what is this gloom?

I cannot fall ill, as I am very busy!

And that’s when I blacked out.