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Blacked Out

by Liberty500


Peot's note: Please go easy on the reviewing or commentary because I'm pretty nervous about posting poems... And, I'm also still kinda new to writing poems myself.

~

The sun was shining in my eyes

As I struggled to get up.

~

I walked down to mummy’s room

Wanting to ask her, what is this gloom?

This gloom that is making me dizzy,

I cannot fall ill, as I am very busy!

~

Mummy asked me to lay down with her

And when I laid down, all I saw was a blur.

~

And that’s when I blacked out.


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342 Reviews


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Fri Feb 08, 2019 9:28 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you.

So this is the first time I've seen you do a poem, and to be honest with you, I don't see what your worried about. Your poem is really good. Some of your words rimed really well with each other, giving the poem a good flow, and easy to read.

I think your punctuation is really good, but as I was reading I saw one place that just needed a little fixing up. So I'll get to that right away.

This gloom that is making me dizzy

I feel that a question mark or a comma should be at the end of this sentence.

That is all I could pic up out of this poem. It would have been nice if it was a bit longer, but you'll begin to make your poems longer after a wile once you feel like you have gotten better. You know you shouldn't really worry, I think this is a really good poem. But just to make you feel better my poems in the beginning wasn't that great. I didn't rime it as well as you did.
But I'm sure over time, you will get a lot better, and maybe even beat me at making poems.

Never stop writing and have a great day or night. And I hope to see more of your work out on YWS soon.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D




Liberty500 says...


Thanks for the review! I'll get to that mistake right now! <3





I'm glad I could help.



Liberty500 says...


:)



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Fri Feb 08, 2019 3:22 am
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manilla wrote a review...



Hi, and welcome to the poetry side of things! I too posted some of my first real poetry here...You'll improve in no time.

So first things first! Your sequence of events is very logical to follow and we can get a sense of who the main character kind of is. That's good to have, because in poetry, you can choose to omit that, but reveal other things instead. You have a simple but good rhyme scheme, but I can suggest being a little more creative in the future with it, like maybe:

Yours is: AABBCCCDDEE
One could be: AABBAACCAADDAAEE (by the end of the word in each stanza)

That's optional, but it serves to spice things up. I also felt like the tildes weren't necessary, but that's up to you.

Wanting to ask her, what is this gloom?

I cannot fall ill, as I am very busy!


These rhymes felt a little forced. It takes practice to convey your meaning effectively and smoothly, though.

And that’s when I blacked out.


!!! What happened? Things were fine before. Maybe you could have some foreshadow to that event on why it happened, what that means for the plot in the future even though is a short poem. The poem was very plot-based, but since most poetry has a meaning, what could you put in yours (regardless of how subtle you do it) so that the reader has a moral-ish takeaway?

That's all from me! Keep up writing poetry...it's a very fun and diverse way to write.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. Sorry if this review seemed a bit harsh!)




Liberty500 says...


Thanks for the review, the black out happened because I was feeling dizzy, just to make that clear.




Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell