Young Writers Society

This is pretty nice, but is this the end already? I would have liked to see it drawn out a little more. Your idea is cool, though. I also like how you employed the term "sashayed." Uncommon word, but those make reading more interesting. I feel like the writer is more educated and knowledgeable when they use cool and unusual words. Really awesome.

Hello Liberty!

What a cute, warm-hearted encounter. I am already jealous my first apartment didn't come with all these things, especially the kitties!

I like the style and voice of this, it's a young person, and the lack of detail helps with that voice, especially because they are excited about all that is around them but I still think it needs a little more just to really bring the reader in to fully visualize how great all of these name-branded, expensive, furniture is. Tell me the colors of the furniture, tables, bed, decor, more of the layout of the apartment as a whole, is it big? Small? I do admit I haven't read the first part of this so maybe these don't apply but I thought I'd mention it.

Some grammarly issues I noticed are below:

>>>I smiled gratefully at him. He had taken me to the mall yesterday and he followed me everywhere, helped with my bags, helped me choose furniture for my new apartment. He was very nice and now I definitely think he's turning into a better big brother.

The "at him" is not necessary, we know that it's definitely not the mother being smiled at.
The second sentence is a bit of a run-on. Maybe something like "While at the mall yesterday, he --------------" would make it flow better. 3rd sentence again, a run-on and could be broken into two without joining with "and".


>>>I went up to my room and I heard Robbie following me. I turned around. "What?" I snapped. His ocean blue eyes turned dark with hurt. "Sorry." I sighed. "What do you want?"


The first sentence doesn't flow well. Maybe something like "I went up to my room, hearing Robbie following behind me" would be better. A lot of your writing has too many "and"s.

>>>I took that as I sign to follow him and I did just that.

Don't need to state "I" again when saying "I did just that".

>>>Once we had arrived at my apartment and Robbie took me inside, I swear I would have fainted.

Instead of would, "could".

>>>A four poster bed. The cutest study table ever. A walk in closet. My own bathroom. A balcony. Everything I’ve ever wanted and more!

I see what you are trying to do here stylistically, but this is where I would suggest putting A L O T of detail in, to give us a visual of all this amazing stuff. You start describing the layout of the house, like the closet and bathroom, but is this the first time she's been in the apartment? Most people check out their apartments before they rent and sign, so it's great to say these things, but they shouldn't be a surprise to her.

>>>...A box? Cardboard. I don’t think those are furniture. And I didn't want those. But... Maybe it could be the latest type of furniture that I have no clue about?

This part needs some work, I've tried reading over it a few times, to try and understand it but I think it was just rushed idea. It's a singular box, so "those are furniture" doesn't fit, or is it multiple boxes?



Overall it's great! I really love how you closed off the ending. Especially the last paragraph and so on. To connect with the character on making the right decision even if people don't believe in you feels great and is rewarding.

Keep up the good work!