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To Julia

by LeutnantSchweinehund


Note: It's a monstrosity. A monstrosity born of my sorrow so deeply rooted in discontent with the current state of affairs. Whom do I truly love? One I've known for many months, or one I'd never truly met?

I am so deeply tortured and bound by this dilemma, so cruelly twisted and turned. Indeed, I can think of little else. I must write about it, lest I lose myself in confusion.

I edited the title. Supposed this would be more fitting, since it is essentially meant for someone I can never have. I missed my chance.

To Reconcile With My Heart

The hour dawns at last once more,
when I stand before the crooked gate,
my heart sinks deep from endless bore,
oh, the world I've come to hate.
The glares of false sophistication,
funneled by a dying nation
grieve me so in darkness still,
where has from my soul gone its trill?
Forevermore I stand in dark,
so that what I held once dear
should break away in sorrow clear
and become so very stark,
like freshly fallen winter snow,
like that upon which feeds the crow.

A corpse on legs I have become,
so dreaded in dismay,
feared morose, the people's scum.
How had my view become so gray?
As days go by and years fly past,
with such haste, I shan't recall the last
when my flame did not fall short,
it is your love I've come to thwart.
Have you loved me all those days?
Have you seen what I'd become,
a hollow shell in essence numb?
You made my mind an ailing maze,
so rooted deep in loss of voice,
in fear of making great a choice.

It was your glance, so subtle then,
that struck me with such soft accord,
that set alight my hand and pen,
for you I could have then adored.
Yet I did not, and missed my chance,
and all had leaned on one swift glance,
to melt a heart so lodged in stone,
and now I would not be alone.
Wherever had I failed then?
Was it courage, state of mind?
What had I truly sought to find?
Perhaps to feel your love again?
Although I had not heard your voice,
and never was I thrown a choice.

I love you still in depths of heart,
for those things not reason-bound,
and wish we'd never have to part,
to be your friend and lover crowned,
ever tortured, brought to heel,
forced before his fate to kneel,
killed in essence, burned in core,
waved goodbye outside your door.
Why have I not come forth to you?
Why did my words not bleed away,
to lead your soul so pure astray?
Tell me that you always knew.
Oh Julia, my heart you tore,
I love you still, forever more.


---------------------

A letter to the one I've never spoken to:

Oh, Julia, indeed, I know only your name and face, oh so little by all regards. You will never read my letters, you shan't ever know my truth, for it is in cowardice and fear that my failures lie.

How could I be so tortured? What on Earth had happened to my wounded heart? I feel as if the world shatters beneath me, and though I should be content, my thoughts stray to you, and to you only. And I am poisoned by regret and restless nights in thought of you, though I haven't known you for a single day, so pained I am by ruthless fate that tore me.
Had you only known, if only had my thoughts been declared. Oh, my lesson I have learned, and now I come too late to you. For I am loyal to the one I chose in days of sorrow past, and I feel so bound. How only can I love her, when you I hold still in my heart?

Can I not be saved? Relieved from your memory? You are in my dreams, you are that which breaks my days, my thoughts and hopes, my very conscious choice. Yet you do not know, for you I'd never tell from shame and guilt alone.

Oh, when will the devil come for me? 

James, known to some as Evgenij, the one you've never truly known.


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8 Reviews


Points: 90
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Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:10 am
Myers wrote a review...



What I liked here: A Beautiful Poem
The idea behind this poem. I believe the pain that you feel gives depth to your words. If you've not experienced that pain, you words would not hit your readers with all the intensity. There should always be a purpose hidden in all your words, which you do have.

Lyrical structure:
I sure gives a structure and a flow to any poem, but sometimes there aren't enough words for what you feel. Somethings can't be expressed in words, hence the difficulty and artificiality involved in such poems. In lyrical poetry, you close your sentences and the verses, it stops the minds of the readers from wandering in to the field of imagination.

Free verse:
Since you are already good in lyrical poetry, try working on a free verse, if you feel comfortable, let the door of imagination stay open for your readers.






Hmm, maybe. Maybe. Free verse is something I've tried to avoid, because most people can't really pull it off and it turns into prose in lines. But you know what? Maybe you've convinced me.

Alright. Next poem I write, I'll try to write it in free verse. Maybe I'll manage!

Thanks!



Myers says...


Looking forward to reading it :') best of luck.





Yup, I look forward to reading it too... Unfortunately, I'm running into trouble already.

See, I've been writing traditional poetry for so damn long now that I literally think in meter and rhyme. Whenever I even try to convey my feelings or thoughts in my mind, it comes out in lyrical verse.

I am so screwed.



Myers says...


It takes time to explore new things out. You can do it like, you don't make every second line rhyme with the first one, instead you put more lines in your verse, and make the first and the last line rhyme. It is just a suggestion, obviously if you feel that you can do better in meter and rhyme, you should follow your heart.





Good idea!

I'll gradually loosen my form. That should do it.



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Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:23 am
Radrook says...



Words that might confuse some readers:

morose = might be understood as “more rose”
thwart - might be confused with thought
trill - might be confused with thrill or a misspelling of till.
subtle -
alight- might be confused with “a light".
endless bore, = might be understood as endless digging
accord, = might be understood as “a cord”.
Astray might be understood as : “a stray”.

Expressions such as

“sorrow clear"
“essence numb?"

seem forced to fit into rhyme and are archaic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

heart = six times
heart = cliche

-----------------------------------------------------------------






Haha, yeah. They mostly were.

At times, I found it really difficult to stick to the iambic tetrameter along with a strict rhyme scheme. But as an advocate of form and opposer of free verse, I had to. Unfortunately, that did indeed lead to some rhymes which may not have been all too organic.

Thanks! I'll look over it and definitely de-clichefy it as best I can.



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Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:24 pm
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BiruKun wrote a review...



Hey, Onii-Chan here!
I love how poetic this is. I always enjoy romantic poems and love letters because of all the emotion that is captured in them. I think you did an outstanding job on this. It had a great flow and I loved how original it felt. By the way, I think it’s great how you put this out there.

Keep on writing!






It's so, so torturous, since I'll never have her. Had my shot, and I didn't take it. I'm too late, and by God does it kill me inside.

I'm with someone I'd almost rather not be with, and seeing this other girl's face almost every day only tortures me further.

Oh indeed, when will the devil come for me?




"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk