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Young Writers Society


12+

The Epic of James - Part II

by LeutnantSchweinehund


(Note: This may not make proper sense if you don't read the first part. It's a direct continuation which relies heavily on the events of Part I, but can probably be read as a standalone work as well).

The Epic of James - Part II

The Gates of Heaven fall, rendered dust among the ash of war and death. The Gods were no more, and in their place the kin of giants reigns. Yet giants shall fall to the loving embrace of mortality, and so too their time would end. James the Conqueror, the Defiler, the Wise, and the one of many titles walked the Earth with dread, his hands tainted with the blood of many. The age of those who stand above has ended, and the time of men ensues.

The legacy of James did not falter. His great deeds lived on, despite the merciless destruction of all he held so very dear. Banished he was, and yet he surrendered not to the grasp of defeat. The true gift of immortality would indeed evade him, though only by a single arrow's flight. He had been immortalized in the history of man, free of death, though in an unsatisfying manner. He took no joy in this fate, for he himself would perish, falling victim to attrition, and should he accept this sentence, the legend would die with him.

The titan, blessed with long life, ventured his world - the world he had conquered all those centuries ago. Men did not bow in his presence as once, however, for instead they hid, in hopes of avoiding the wrath of this fearsome king. Blood drenched the sands and earth, and all the things that crept within them. It smothered the land like a terrible plague, this memory of the great war that had devastated all that lay below, of the cruel nights that overtook all.

Fifteen decades had passed, a century and one half, and yet James stood amidst ash, with little left to give. The blood had gone on one holy day - the day of salt and gold - leaving behind the old coarse desert sands and grassy plains for mortal men to praise. Oceans turned blue, filled with salt, and the world set itself in motion once more.

Some say an ancient creature guards the great inland sea - a nautilus so great, the best of fishermen fear its cold retreat. It is believed that this nautilus, hidden within its jeweled shell, turns blood to salt, and tears to gold. And so it was. Men required no ships, for the very salt of the sea burned through wooden hulls and woven sails. Their tears filled the vast watery expanse, and so the oceans shone with gold. Hence the name, the day of salt and gold.

The nautilus heeds no word of man, and holds no regard for life.

As James the Titan ventured the vast, desolate wastes of his long lost empire, he found himself standing beside the most curious of sights - a mountain of raw steel, with no grass to coat it. James climbed the steep cliffs above and crossed the perilous ravines below, his hands shredded by cuts, gashes and other sorts of wretched wounds. He gazed down upon the great empty abyss from atop the conquered hill. Peaks of gold and gemstone glimmered faintly in distant land, yet James cared not. He sat upon this hill of steel, resting.

And so James sat for twelve short days and twelve cold nights, gathering his thoughts, grieving for all that he had lost. A gate of shining white gold appeared before him, upon it guards whose wits were sharp as the black arrows aimed at James.

"Turn back, Titan! We own not that which you seek!" the guards called, voices merged.

"I know not what I seek." James replied. "For I have lost all that gave me breath."

"Then answer me, Titan. What treasures lie within these walls of gold?" James fell silent. He did not know this riddle. After all, should he know what lies beneath the earth? Gold? Silver? Gems of old, perhaps?

"I do not know." he finally said, sorrow in his tone. "Then it is knowledge that you seek. You do not fear ignorance, yet wish to overcome it. Enter our halls, fair Titan, and find what power you had not found in your time."

James fell into the hidden realm, setting his gaze upon the last retreat of wisdom, this bastion of scholars and wary men. This world had remained concealed from his ruling hand, its people watching as the heavens and earth fused. A great library stood in its middle, built of stone and granite. Inside was a throne, and upon the throne sat the one in robes.

"I welcome you, friend, to the last known beacon of intellect." the old man spoke, his voice hoarse and broken. "I know of you, James, the one of many titles. My admiration for you is great. I shall bestow upon you a gift. Tell me then, valued guest, what is it you seek?"

James glanced down at his feet. "Knowledge, my lord. Knowledge I seek." he replied. "Wisdom? Do not let the guards fool you. Surely there must be something better I can offer, no?" his eyes sparkled with anticipation as James weighed his thoughts. "I must insist. I ask for knowledge, and that is all."

The gray-haired elder offered James many gifts on that day, from unbreakable swords to coats of bronze. He offered even his own throne, and yet James did not fall into the trap of greed. The elder lost his patience. His stare was fearsome, voice thunderous, and the rotting flesh upon his bones began to fade. Nothing was now left but a skeleton in its master's place, shouting insults, growing with every word.

"You would dare resist me? James the Fool! James the Unfortunate! I shall destroy you!" it chanted, voice full of seething hatred. Soon the ground beneath them began to quake, and the tall ceiling shattered. James escaped the wizard's grasp, though only just, as his very kingdom buried him beneath the earth. It struck James then that the world was now a place of darkness, where magic reigned free.

Many great warriors fell recklessly into the warlock's grievous trap, imprisoned for all eternity as he lived from their very souls, their possessions now treasures for the warlock to give. Such was the fate of those unwise.

A demon appeared before James on that strange day as he crept about the red dunes, its skin a mere cloud of black dust. The dark spawn spoke with great skill, fooling the desperate colossus into agreement. Truly, such persuasion was not of this Earth, for only the hells below had use for it. The demon glimmered with specs of light beneath its charcoal flesh.

"I has't for thee an offer." the creature spoke. Its tongue was foreing, and yet so very familiar. James had learned this way of speech, for his wisdom knew no bounds.

"I shalt grant thee one single wish." James' gaze lit up with excitement. A single wish, with which he may once more rule the Earth.

"I would asketh for the gift of knowledge, oh most wondrous creature, so that I may be who I once was." The demon caught flame, its body now a great raging fire.

"Aye, I sayeth, though payment is due. Thou shalt pledge thy mind and soul for those of highborn blood to reap. Thy mind is thine to give, good titan. Choose wisely..." James gazed at the blazing spawn with a furrowed brow, weighing his thoughts.

"I concur. I shalt pledge my soul and mind unto thee, at which hour all leaves falleth from the oak." A deafening roar thundered as the Earth quaked with might. The demon had gone, leaving only a heap of ash. And so, James the Wise, master of titles and giver of life sold the very essence of his being into the realm of eternal slavery.

No consequences came of these acts of heresy, for no Gods lived now to fulfill them, though James' dreams were filled with sorrow nonetheless. He dreamt of death once more, for he knew that not even his most cunning plan could help fend off the hellish fiends he had so desperately wished to break.

New knowledge blessed the fair Titan, for he now knew the path towards immortality. The nautilus, king of all waters, giver of gold and salt, and the last remaining God to gaze upon the Earth would soon come to blows with James the Conqueror. The road ahead was long and treacherous, and such was life.

"I ride to meet my fate, whether it be shine or doom, for I fear not the darkness. Wisdom shall enlighten that which knows not light, and strength defeats that which knows not reason."

(Quick self-critique: It's... Flawed. Pretty weak, especially when James clashes with the deceptive cultist. I'll admit, I've been writing this in segments (not chronologically), trying to glue them together in some meaningful way. The plot also changed a few times. I wrote the end first, about two months ago. Finished the rest today and yesterday.

Tear it to shreds.)


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1085 Reviews


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Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:05 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! This has been in the Green Room for a while, so I figured I'd review it.

Overall, I felt like the first few paragraphs took a while to draw me in, partly because I wasn't sure if the imagery was literal or more figurative. I enjoy this old, Bible-like style, but sometimes it makes it hard to figure out what's actually going on.

You do have a gift for language, though. The older style flows well and is very beautiful to read. You clearly are very familiar with this style, and it suits the story you're telling.

One of the biggest things I didn't understand was why the gifts the old man was offering would have been bad for him to take. I don't quite mean that I literally didn't understand (although it's true there wasn't any specific reason given), more like that the themes didn't seem properly set up and there just wasn't enough time spent on the temptation and then James resisting it. I think you should at least show the first couple times he tried to tempt James so we understand what it was like, and then you can say that it happened over and over again. Similarly, you might want to actually show the escape from the wizard, as all of that felt a little skipped over, and I didn't really understand the significance of it.

"Wisdom? Do not let the guards fool you. Surely there must be something better I can offer, no?" his eyes sparkled with anticipation as James weighed his thoughts.

I wasn't sure who was speaking here, whether it was James or the old man. If it was the old man, it should be in a new paragraph, since you're supposed to start a new paragraph every time there's a new line of dialogue and/or the speaker changes. (You forgot to do that a few times - another one was when the guards were asking what James sought.)

I saw that you replied to BlueAfrica that you wanted this to focus on James as a desperate half-god who wants immortality. I think you're right that you wound up focusing too much on the world, and I think that getting deeper into any particular scene and taking us inside James' head more would help. I don't think you should worry for now about it being long - you can always cut stuff later, and who knows, maybe the story you're trying to tell is longer than you thought it was originally.

That's all I've got! Hopefully this will help you decide what to do with this. :D






Ah yes, the scene with the wizard. Indeed, it was poorly done. I believe it was the last part I wrote before pushing the story out. It was originally meant to tell that James was so desperate to become the good ruler he once was (in the previous part), that he wished for nothing but wisdom. He believed it would restore his rightful place in the world, as ignorance was the very thing that took it from him. He did not accept the gifts because of that. Had he done so, he would have been trapped like the rest. Originally, he was meant to meet travelers who told of a king who lived beneath the Earth. He was meant to befriend the king, and later they'd be invaded by a horde of barbarians. That was way too long though, so I cut it and made the king an evil wizard instead.

I'm writing a story right now, more grounded in reality, and I'm definitely taking all the critiques into account. I'll focus less on imagery and make myself more clear. As to the dialogue, I wasn't even aware of that! I used to do it, but then it broke too many paragraphs, so I stopped. But I'll utilize that technique again for the sake of simplicity.

Thanks!



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Tue Jan 10, 2017 2:30 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



You have an interesting style here, old-fashioned and almost Biblical (although considering your description, I guess that's obvious). But be sure to watch out for tense changes--

Some say an ancient creature guards the great inland sea - a nautilus so great, the best of fishermen fear its cold retreat. It is believed that this nautilus, hidden within its jeweled shell, turns blood to salt, and tears to gold. And so it was. Men required no ships, for the very salt of the sea burned through wooden hulls and woven sails. Their tears filled the vast watery expanse, and so the oceans shone with gold. Hence the name, the day of salt and gold.


You had quite a few toward the beginning, but it seemed like you got better about it as the section went on.

Question: why is one of James' titles "the Defiler"? His other titles are all reasonably good things, and then there's that one, which is a bad thing. Or, you know, it sounds like a bad thing. And that old man apparently knows many of James' titles and admires him, so...is Defiler a good thing, in this case, or does the old man not know about that one? Or is he like, "Yeah, I mean, he's defiled a few things, but overall James is a pretty great guy."

Or maybe I'm just way overthinking this, since it was literally mentioned once way back at the beginning.

The plot feels all over the place. Like I went back and read the first part, and that seemed somewhat more cohesive: James longs for immortality, but since he can't have it, he wages war on the gods who deny it to him. The war drives him mad and he's banished (from...earth? heaven? not sure).

So in this part I guess he's wandering in wretched exile, trying to gain the knowledge to get back to...wherever he's been banished from. That's straightforward enough. But the things that happen were kind of, What? Like the nautilus just sort of pops into the story to say hello and then isn't mentioned again until almost the end. Is it mentioned just so we know what you mean when you bring it up again? Because that's what it felt like. Since you say about it "some say," it might be better if James overhears or is told the tale of the nautilus on his travels. Then we know what's up with it, but it won't come out of nowhere.

Okay, but I think the main thing right now is that I really don't know a ton about James and have very little feeling for him. Like, he's a big, powerful dude who wants immortality and can't have it. I know some of his titles, but considering they're all big, general titles like "conqueror," they don't actually tell me much. Who is James, really? Why does he want immortality so badly? What are some traits he has that you wouldn't expect? What does he do with his time when he's not in exile or at war? Right now I feel like he can only possibly exist within the scope of this particular story, and I'd rather know who he is outside of it, even if only in hints.






Oh, thank you so very much for your review... I feared there would be none! It's been 10 days and I was ready to ditch the last part (which is currently in the works).

I agree. I am utterly unsatisfied with my work. The plot's not linear at all, and that's screwing me over. In truth, I was only discovering the plot as it went along. Many changes occurred while writing the story, and I got lost in it myself.

I truly would have made my writing more clear, with more dialogue to flesh things out, but it was so long already that it'd probably never get reviewed that way. In this world, heaven and earth are one and the same. After the war, they merged, which is why creatures such as the old man are allowed to exist. Another example is the iron mountain, which is a relic of the ancient heavens.

Indeed, I failed with character development. James is bland, for the most part. I tried to paint the image of a desperate half-God. The point of the story is that with every step, he only falls deeper into this desperation for immortality. It is a rather personal story, and yet I tell more about the world than James himself.

Third part should tie all the loose ends. I left it so open partly because I just desperately wanted to get it out there. As for the nautilus, he is coming... Indeed, he is coming...

I'm not a great writer. In fact, I used to be better. Feel like I'm losing my way with words. Hopefully part three fixes this.



BluesClues says...


You know, if it gets really long you can always break it up into shorter parts and post it that way. Shorter things definitely get reviewed more quickly - longer works are a little intimidating, especially when you have to read it and *then* spend time thinking about ways to improve it.

As for plot, well, that's ALWAYS my problem when writing. I'll have characters I love and writing that's fun to do, but then there are a ton of plot holes because at some point I was like, "Right, so this is fun, but I probably actually have to have these people *do* something." And then I have an antagonist but they're just kind of doing destructive things because someone needs to be doing destructive things. So I *feel your pain.*





Totally. Writing good characters is painfully difficult. The concept is easy, but actually doing something with that concept without making it forced is just so damn difficult.

I've got an extra-short story about a farmer and the devil in the works. Hopefully it'll be good!




Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality