The Teal Knight

Hey there LeutnantSchweinehund,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

Spoiler

A young knight rode to great Hearth's Hold,
his shield was teal and [his] hair shone gold.
A face yet pure,[remove the comma] without a fold,
and charm with which himself [comma] he sold.

The stars peered high, [remove comma] [and] the moon shone red,
I watched them die,[I would change the comma to a hyphen] their bodies bled.
My line cut down, the traitor fled,
I know not why, no words were said. You sure like commas. So do I but, if you look closely, you have six commas within four lines. That's a lot of commas. I'll explain more into that later though.

Wherever now, [remove comma]the young, teal knight,
I ride with haste, with [and] Lordly right,[change the comma to a period]
To end a life with all due might.[change period to a comma]
the wounded wolf shall fiercely bite. I really like the ending lines of this stanza.

I found the fiend, gaze filled with gloom,
to feel the force of justice bloom.
I challenge him to meet his doom,
to rest henceforth in God's black tomb. Hmm, compared to the previous stanzas, this one reads a little weirder. The flow feels faster and not as lyrically steady as the other ones.

On they went, those wretched nights,[remove the comma]
and here we stand, on snowy heights.
A star-filled sky of silver lights, [remove the comma] I know you want to stick to a rhyme scheme, but the 's' on the end of 'lights' doesn't really work/flow (for me at least.) If I were you, I would suggest maybe finding away to work taking off the 's' into your rhyme scheme.
to guide the one who boldly fights.

I draw my sword of hardened steel,
My heart grows strong and fills with zeal. "My" should be lowercased.
"Now raise thy shield, its emblem teal,
let neither, Lord, on this day kneel!" I'm a little confused by this line. You say, "let neither" which implies something along the lines of: neither this nor that. But here you say "Let neither" and then just lord, so are you implying it like: let neither this lord nor that lord or is it something else? If it is this lord nor that lord, then I suggest taking out the comma before lord.

We clash, we howl, our blades draw near,
I strike with wrath,[replace comma with a hyphen] I know no fear,[Replace comma with a period]
Though blood is spilt, the cuts, they sear,
he lies with wounds, yet not a tear.

"Yield, I yield!" he mumbles, cold. This line is kind of contradictory. If he's mumbling, then why is there the use of an exclamation mark? An exclamation mark implies shouting and or some loud exclamation but mumbling is totally the opposite. Just beware of that.
"Spare me,[I would remove the comma here] lord, for I was bold."
"You killed my name," I fiercely told,
"no honor shall you henceforth hold."

I struck him down, the wretched foe,
and took his head with one swift blow.
He [now] lies to rot, left for the crow,
no seeds of hatred [are] left to sow. I like the imagery in this stanza.

And so I fought the bold, teal knight,
clad in steel, his wounds served right.
Never shall he bring more plight,
as such my journey ends... There are two things that I dislike in this line. One is ending the line with the ellipsis. Since this is not just the end of the poem but also the end of the story, then I would end it with a period. Ending the poem with an ellipsis makes it seem like there is actually some form of continuation to the story -or you're trying to foreshadow something that's to happen. If that's the case then there are better ways to do so. Second, you rhyme throughout the entire poem up until this line. Now I don't know if you stylistically did it for affect, but it doesn't really read right. It's more like a punch in the face after reading this nice, lyrical poem. Be careful doing that.

Overview


So lets start with the use of commas and punctuation since I said I'd get back to that.

Punctuation in poetry is similar to punctuation in prose and serves almost the same purpose as bar lines in music without which the words and notes won’t flow all together. In other words, punctuation assists in organizing your words into discernible verses/stanzas:



Interestingly enough, many poets use punctuation marks without knowing why they use them; others just write their stanzas without using any punctuation at all, not deliberately of course, but just because they don't know how and where to use them. Then, there's a third group of poets who place punctuation arbitrarily, without realizing that punctuation actually aid the readers’ interpretation and also determines his/her breathe pauses.

The fact is that the punctuation marks thrown in, affect the reader’s pace, understanding, eye movement and perception of your poem. That said, before we go too far, let’s talk about the types of lines that are determined by the POSITION of the punctuation they contain:



There are several punctuation marks you can use in your poem:

PERIOD (.) - the period is used to show a final end to the thought/sentence and indeed verse; after an abbreviation. The reader will most likely stop to think about what has been read so far.

QUESTION MARK (?) - the question mark is used to indicate a direct question at the end of a verse. When it is being read, the reader asks himself the question, and pauses.

EXCLAMATION POINT/MARK (!) - the exclamation point/mark is used to express a sudden outcry, excitement, finality or just add emphasis. It affects how the reader will view the verse or poem

COMMA (,) - the comma is used to show a separation of ideas or elements within the verse. In a poem, you can also use it to eliminate excess words. Eg "The sun, rain, road flogged him to death" eliminating 'and the' twice. It is also used to separate two or more complete, independent clauses in a verse

DASH (– /-) - the dash is of two types, endash (short) and the emdash (long/double dash).

^The endash (-) is used to connect numbers or elements of a compound adjective.

^^The emdash (–) is a little more complicated. It is used, within a verse or at the end, to indicate a break in thought or verse structure; introduce a phrase added for emphasis, definition, or explanation; separate two clauses (like the semicolon)

HYPHEN (-) - the hyphen is the same symbol as the endash but it is used creating compound words, particularly modifiers before nouns, name or syllables of a word.

ELLIPSES (...) - the ellipses mark is used to show an omission of letters or words (especially in a quote) that do not interfere with the meaning. It can also show a transition
or time lapse

^It is NOT used for emphasis at the end of a sentence. It does not draw emphasis to the sentence, it indicates that the speaker is uncomfortable or awkward about saying what ever it is that they are saying. I have seen new writers use an ellipsis for emphasis like this, but it doesn't work that way.

**Punctuation gives the reader a brief release in tension, allowing him/her to pause for a moment and consider what has been read so far. This is why you must be thoughtful in where you break the line because your choices will affect the reader’s experience of the flow and motion of the poem.

***In your poem, not only did you use an abundancy of commas, but you also used punctuation at the end of every single line. The problem with that is that it becomes to much to read and it can actually lag down the pacing of your story.

Anyways now that the basics of punctuation is over, lets move on...


So, for the most part, I really dislike poems that rhyme. However I found that it truly helped the flow of your poem and I found it to be very useful. It was interesting though. You used a monorhyme, however you changed the actual rhyme with each stanza.

In case you didn't know, Monorhyme: is a poem in which every line uses the same rhyme scheme.

It was different and creative, so kudos to you there.


I really liked the ideas of your poem. I thought that it was original enough, but still slightly cliché that really gave it a nice feel. There were a few parts that I felt were worded a little weirdly but other then that you had a nice poem.

Final Thoughts
That's all I have. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.