Young Writers Society

I. AM. AMAZED! I have nothing to say critique wise. Like literally! All I can give is my praise! So, content wise, this is so interesting. And you spin the tail so well! I totally expect this to be published as a YA series. Why hasn't it yet? I love the story, I love the way you tell it. But I don't know what to expect of James, he scares me already. Is he an antihero? I would like to see more of the scenery. Like, please paint a more detailed picture for me.
So, I was interested in reading this story after reading your post about looking for artwork for this piece. I am an artist (I like to think that I specialize in anime, cartoon, and I fair well enough with realism) and I am kinda interesting in doing some sketches.

Hey there, LeutnantSchweinehund, and welcome to the Young Writers Society!

The first paragraph is very majestically written, with a real 'fairy tale' and 'ancient legend' style of writing. It may confuse some readers, so I thought I'd write down how I understood it so you can see how it might be interpreted. How I understood it: His father was a mortal, but quite a famous, heroic, and handsome man. He attracted the attention of a female goddess, and she then gave birth to your main character. Generally, children take a greater liking to their fathers, so the m.c. should have been mortal. However, by the will of the gods, he was born like his mother; an immortal.

He cried, he scorned, he fought and mourned, yet true Gods show no mercy, only cruel deeds.
A little voice inside me swears that this is a reference to something in a classical text. Am I right?

And so the half-god giant rejoined the mortal realm once more, showered in glory as he defeated all foes, conquered all lands, ruling fairly over the people whose proud hearts he had won. He gathered wisdom, rejoicing in the great wealth he had so rightfully earned. Yet a single foe remains. A foul serpent, slithering through the tall green grass, rising up to strike.
This is more of a nitpick than something that has to necessarily be fixed. Earlier on, you started a new paragraph at almost every new sentence, even if a new paragraph wasn't needed. This is fine, it has a poetic effect. However, because of that, I felt that the above paragraph was too long, and could be split into two to retain that 'poetic' feel. I would begin a new paragraph at 'yet a single foe remains'. That's pretty much where the new thought begins.

"I shall not forsake my blood... I am a God, and I would sooner travel to the depths of hell than surrender the gift of immortality!"
He certainly hs the arrogance of a god/titan/immortal being. Your character is in every way suited to classical mythology, so you obviously have knowledge of the subject and that comes across in your writing. I enjoyed reading this. I reckon some illustrations would go amazingly with this! You should head to the forums and see if anyone is offering to draw some pictures. Anyway, loved this, please share the next part and let me know when you do!

You certainly have an interesting style of writing -- this reads as if was inspired by some of the old romanticism authors. It's very poetic and fascinating, worded in an intriguingly cryptic manner. I read it twice in order to better understand it because of it's nature, and I feel like I could read it a hundred more times and still pick up something new and interesting from doing so.

But oftentimes this piece reads as a summary instead of a story. You tell us that James went through great battles and slayed his enemies, but without the raw emotion and brutality that goes along with those battles, we don't get to really go through it ourselves. You tell us that the war lasted an age, but when the actual description of the war only lasts two sentences, it's tough for a reader to actually feel how a war should feel. "Oceans laden with criminal blood" is a genius line that depicts the brutality perfectly, but I feel like I want more than that.

James the Godlike? James the Unfortunate, more like!