Author's note: I wrote this piece as homage to A.S.Puškin, my favorite writer in Russian romanticism, and romanticism in general. The form is based on the Onegin stanza. It tries to stay loyal to the iambic tetrameter, which is essential to the Onegin stanza, but I admit, the iamb count did slip in a few verse.
In any case, it is not a serious piece. Written only from my sheer admiration of Puškin's brilliant work.
The Sickbed
The Sickbed, filth, and crooked bones,
a mind of wretched treachery,
lost as mounds of blackened stones,
with one a twisted theory.
And those who stand near I abhor,
as they forget what was before -
the glory of one so renowned,
whose voice did soundly then resound,
and mind shone brightly without toil,
to gather fame and knowledge vast,
build a legacy, steadfast -
now at my sight they all recoil.
Before my gaze they will not bow,
their lust for wealth my sons avow.
Those bloody rags that stain my bed,
which reek of foul vanities,
of bile black and sanguine red,
give way for my profanities.
I have both loved and hated so,
given right to death bestow,
murdered has my hand of late,
sorrows had it brought so great.
And as I lie upon these rags,
I see my end draw ever near,
and feel my wounds so strongly sear,
my life has brought but many snags.
Such life shall end in greater fire,
to reflect one's unfulfilled desire.
Curses, devils those, yes, I evade,
Entrapped in restless nights, in verse,
in doing so I death persuade,
in which with God I shan't converse.
How so that sleep evades my soul,
and why must I pay great a toll?
What have I done to bear this curse,
breathless, lifeless, empty purse,
that hairs and nails must crudely rage?
And so they webs of madness wound,
among poets so renowned,
tell me, must I suffer this old age?
Lord above, I ask of thee:
when will the devil come for me?
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
This is beautiful!
I loved every line and how elegant each rhyme sounded.
I'm no expert on poetry so I can't critique anything serious, but I can say that this is wonderful.
Great job, loved the first line in particular, 9/10
Hi LeutnantSchweinehund, Queenie here for a quick review. For starters, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I thought that the imagery you incorporated in your poem was really good and really added to the poem as a whole. Also, I thought that the pacing/rhythm of the poem was well thought out, smooth, and really suited this poem. However, the one problem I have with this poem is the rhyme scheme. You seem to have words at the end of the lines rhyme in many different spots throughout your poem, and yet, there never seems to be a steady rhyme scheme, it is just very inconsistent instead. Therefore, my one suggestion for you is to try and see if you can edit your poem slightly so that you have a consistent rhyme scheme throughout the entire poem. That being said, this really is a great poem and I look forward to reading some of your future pieces.
Thank you, thank you. Appreciate it very much!
The rhyme scheme is as follows:
A
B
A
B
C
C
D
D
E
F
F
E
G
G
Please, feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you hurt you or demine your story or make it seem bad that said . . .
1. What I liked
Wow just wow. Rather you intended it to be that way or not this was stunningly powerful for someone whos young. I loved that, and how serious the poem is. Great job!
2. Flow & Style
Both were through the roof and amazing.
3. Word choice
Ah, I found some words I thought might not suit this poem starting with this line . .
lifeless as a mound of graying stones,
with many twisted theories.
First of all the word mound doesn't seem to fit. Do you think taking a mound would help?
Or maybe replacing it?
Secant of all the word twisted doesn't seem to fit either. Maybe try replacing it?
Oh, lie there, as they feed you more,
as they forget what was before,
the glory of one so renowned,
whose voice did soundly then resound,
and mind shone brightly without toil,
to gather fame and knowledge vast,
and build a legacy, oh so steadfast,
now at my sight they all recoil.
First of all they feed you more doesn't seem to fit, maybe it's that they. I don't know. Try redoing that sentence?
Also that word toil doesn't fit either. I would also redo the whose voice etc line.
Overall & Encouragment
Great job! This was amazing! Keep it up. I really loved it.
Well now, thank you for the review!
May well be so. I'll look it over, throw some words around, try'n get some literary experiments going. Gotta practice for eventually writing a full novel in verse, so any critiques are invaluable.
Indeed, it'll be a long, long path towards perfection!
A long and hard path to perfection yes.
One eventually seen by very few. An elusive goal, oh indeed.