I hurt myself in the most beautiful way,
By loving the one person who doesn’t love me back.
That is why it seems like I only exist when you are bored.
You accept the love you think you deserve,
But how did I accept your love,
When there was none to begin with.
~
I hurt myself in the most beautiful way,
By not realizing the void in your heart,
While mine was full of love and happiness.
I adored you while you looked the other way.
Now I am the one with the void in my heart,
Left behind by your absence.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
It's been a while since I wrote a review so forgive me if this is not the most comprehensive kind. I would just like to provide some insight and encouragement into this wonderful poem. Let's dive in!
Strong Points
I personally like the first two lines. "I hurt myself in the most beautiful way, By loving the one person who doesn’t love me back." Interesting how you worded it because indeed loving someone is beautiful, but unreciprocated love is quite the melancholic kind. I love how specific you are with your poems. In my opinion, poems are supposed to be relatable yet very specific. You did it quite well, presenting situations such as "I only exist when you are bored" and "I adored you while you looked the other way". Although not all may experience it, you wrote it in such a way the reader can relate to it.
Improvement
Well technically, the poem is not the most structured, following a certain rhyme or meter. But if it's written in a sort of freestyle, that's fine as well. I do that all the time too. However, I find it a fresh kind of challenge when you are limited in what you can do. This poem could have also been longer, the last part felt like a cliffhanger in a sense that there's no resolve. What does the character plan to do with this absence? Do they wallow in sorrow or do they swallow their tears and move on, carrying their memory? Adding a stanza to resolve this would be great.
Encouragements
This poem was well written, especially your first line, which perfectly encapsulates the gist of the story. The angst in this poem is prominently felt and it prompts the reader to feel pitiful for the narrator as well, knowing they can't force the other party to love them back. But I guess, that is indeed how life is, is it not?
Signing off,
alpacaboss
Thank you! Yes I wasn%u2019t aiming for any structure when I was writing, just venting my thoughts in a way. I suppose I could elaborate more in different places. I will definitely take your review into consideration if I write a longer version. Thank you ~
This is my first review so I'm sorry if it's a bit messy, but I highly enjoyed this poem as one of the first ones I read! This verse especially was my favorite:
It's also about the same topic of my first poem I wanted to post so it definitely drew me towards it, but, overall, I don't think I have any critiques! Just one suggestion though, if you ever wanted to expand the poem or build on it, you could maybe go into specifics about the ways this person ignored you. Such as,
That's just a random suggestion though! I love your writing and can relate (heavy)
Make sure to stay healthy and keep up writing <3
Thank you for the review! I never thought of adding specifics to it, but you%u2019re right it would be a great way to expand. I%u2019m glad you enjoyed it! Stay happy ~