Sunday, March 17, 1805.
Evelyn Whitehill grunted as she pushed the last box into place, and dusted off her hands. Taking a moment to admire her handiwork and make sure no-one was peering into the alley, she clambered on top of the uneven pile she’d made and reached up to grab the edges of the window.
She was scaling a building. Most houses in London were several storeys high, with each level having several windows on them. The distance between the storeys was too much for her to just reach up and climb to the next window, so Eva had found a tool to help her up: a crowbar. She’d scouted this place several days before – the family that lived here always went out at 8:30 in the morning, every day. The father would leave for his job at the factories and the mother had responsibilities at a nursery. The son had school.
Occasionally Eva borrowed things from the house. She avoided the word steal. Stealing wasn’t something daughters of noble families did.
Careful not to touch the pristine floor with her dirty feet, Eva stood precariously on the windowsill. She leaned backwards, one hand keeping her steady by holding onto the side of the window. The other stretched upwards with the crowbar, trying to find the next sill.
It caught. Now came the hardest part. Making sure that the crowbar had dug into the sill above securely, Eva took a deep breath and stepped off the windowsill that she was on, dangling on the crowbar. She clenched her jaw as her full weight fell on her shaking arms before her foot found the curve of the crowbar.
Her small size became a strength now as she steadily used the crowbar as a sort of rope, climbing up and pulling herself upwards. Every muscle in her arms was strained, slowly pulling her weight upwards, one inch at time.
Exhaling through gritted teeth, the girl reached the top. She let go of the crowbar – which was now firmly stuck in the wood – and swung herself up with both hands onto the second storey window.
One more to go.
She took a moment to breathe. Eva found herself sorely wishing that Father had let her play outside with other families’ children, instead of sitting in the mansion sewing and learning about manners.
The first time she’d tried to climb a house, the girl had fallen the second she tried to climb the crowbar and landed on her arm. Painfully. That was a week ago. Since then, she’d endured several more tries, this one to be the eighth success – if she could get up the last window and onto the roof. The trick was to not look down and not think about falling.
Oh crap. Good job, you idiot.
Grinning despite herself, Eva pulled the crowbar out of the sill and set herself up for the next one.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
jumpingsheep here! Happy review day!
First, I really enjoyed how you described the Victorian setting though imagery and Eva's inner thoughts. It felt realistic to me and I found Eva's character to be both intriguing and refreshing.
Some (tiny) notes:
--"so Eva had found a tool to help her up: a crowbar" this reads a bit awkwardly to me, and you may want to replace "tool" with "crowbar" and remove the colon bit all together.
--"Now came the hardest part." This sentence by itself seems a little unnecessary. Instead of making this part of the narration, I would see if you can insert this bit as a thought of Eva's, which would give more insight into her character and remove a sentence that seems like it's too much "tell" and not enough "show".
--"crap" seems a little modern for this time period and unnatural for someone of a higher class. Is there another bit of slang that you could use there?
Overall, I think you did a good job establishing the main character, her social status, and how she sees herself fitting in to her world.
Keep up the good work! Let me know if you have any questions.
I honestly loved it! The time period really drawled me in, I suppose just because I really love that the feel of it. Anyway, a few errors such as the accuracy of the time period (still love it though), just a little work on that, a few grammatical errors (who doesn't have those?) and really that's it. I'm really looking forward to reading more, much more so please do keep us updated!! -your fellow future author in the making
AnarchyWolf here to review!
First off, what I liked and what you did well. I think that your character, Eva, came across well. You slipped in that she's a noble's daughter quite well in that it wasn't too choppy. I like her thought, too:
"Oh crap. Good job, you idiot."
It gives the reader an inkling about her and her tone of speaking. She comes across as a determined, if slightly modern, character.
Secondly, what I didn't like so much, and what could be improved. Your title. I have major problems with it - and the description, too. What's up with it? You write something as good as this and give it a half-assed title? That's no way to treat your work. At least try.
Rant over. Now, I have a correction:
"...make sure no-one was peering..."
Should be:
"...making sure no-on was peering..."
In addition, when you say
"...pristine floor..."
Are a working class Napoleonic family really going to have a 'pristine floor'? Probably not. I understand that the purpose of it was probably to draw attention to her filthy feet and not the floor itself, but find some other way to say it. A family like that wouldn't worry about the cleanliness of their floors. Perhaps have it the other way around, with clean feet and a dirty floor - Eva IS used to high standards, after all.
Another thing on Eva's era - while I do like her thought, [Oh, crap. Good job, you idiot.], Napoleonics aren't likely to talk like that, let alone the posh ones. Do research into how they speak to make your story more realistic.
Finally, when you write
"8:30",
write it as
"eight thirty".
Don't use numbers like that - write them out.
In conclusion, a good work with perhaps a tad more research needed into Napoleonic society. Honestly, this piece is well-written and I can find few technical faults. The only faults I can find are of the historical accuracy. It was a fun read - can't wait for more.
-AnarchyWolf