Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Evelyn
-
Oh no.
“Oi, can y’say what you jus’ said before?”
Eva forced herself to think straight, remember how to do a cockney accent.
“Wh-what I said before?” she managed, and the Crow that had spoken nodded.
“I said… ‘I don’ want to.’”
“No, no, no – y’said it different.”
“C’mon, lay off her, Smith.” Nathaniel.
Thank you so much.
“She did!” Smith insisted, and now everyone was looking at her curiously – except Nathaniel, who seemed like he wanted to steer the conversation as far away as possible.
“Why’s it matter, mate? Just let the girl go home.”
“Cause she sounded like one of ‘em rich cunts!”
There it was.
“What?”
“Y’sure?”
“How?”
“She’s just another beggar kid – look at ‘er-”
“Think I heard it too.”
For some reason, Nathaniel wasn’t saying anything – but James stepped in to defend her.
“You were probably just hearing things, Smith-”
“I ‘eard what I ‘eard, and th’ girl didn’t sound like – like one of us.” Smith pointed at her, then he put his unshaven face right in front of hers. “Say it again.”
“Come on now, don’t start attacking her-”
“I ain’t attacking her-”
Eva stood in place like some display at the museum while everyone around her argued. She made no sound, but inside her brain was going haywire.
A new voice broke into the pack that was already deafening her. “What’s this big party for?”
“Mark – listen – d’you reckon this girl’s one of em toffs?”
The group went into relative silence to hear Mark’s answer, whoever he was.
“Don’t really look like it,” the man said doubtfully, and noise erupted again.
Then there was another newcomer – a female, to Eva’s distant surprise. A very loud one. “OI! SHADDUP!”
Everyone promptly shut up. Evelyn raised her head to see a shockingly large blonde-haired woman in front of her. Not large in the fat way, but more like large in the covered-with-muscle way. Standing next to her… was her male counterpart.
And then there was yet another newcomer – a huge man that was taller than the rest by a full head.
“Don’t fuckin’ shout so loud,” the big man said.
“Make me, faggot,” the woman shot back.
“Oi, no fighting,” someone barked.
Eva was starting to feel downright puny next to the crowd of 20-odd people that now surrounded her. The faces before her were blurring – and the girl realised that tears were coming to her eyes.
No, no no…
Crying right here and now would be horrible. On the edge of her vision, James was her lighthouse in a sea of unfamiliar people, and she took a step towards him, wanting to just run away. In the middle of them – Nathaniel, the person who was meant to be their leader, not uttering a single word. Her mind was given something to focus on besides crying, and she desperately clung onto it.
Why… why isn’t he talking?
He had a weird expression on his face – pained, almost.
“Hey. Evelyn.” James was talking to her, and she looked up into his face to acknowledge him before pulling her head back down. “What did you say your last name was? White-something?”
Should I? What would they do? Would they recognize my name? What if-
“Whitehill,” she heard herself blurting out, and instantly all of the bickering died.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey,
So I have a question for you. Why do you only post 500 hundred words at a time? Is it that you want help on those parts or are you proud of them? I'm just curious. But on to the work at hand.
So one thing I have to say is that you should probably put a 16+ warning on your work because I was reading then all of the sudden there was cunt and faggot staring me in the face. I am not offended by theses words but some people maybe be especially faggot.
Next thing I have to say is your paragraphing is a little weird. If I were you the parts were a character is talking and write after you are describing a reaction or something put those sentences together to form one paragraph. It will make everything you write flow a lot better. Another thing I noticed is that you use hyphens where it may be better to use something else like a comma. So make sure all of you punctuation is correct.
When there is a group of character talking and even talking over each other having um little identifiers would help. What I mean is after a character talks say something like (Evelyn said) or (She said and James came back with) It will help a lot with confusion.
I do have to say I like how you write in an accent. It adds a lot of depth to character or even a group of them. So really nice touch there. All around this was good you should keep writing and post more things. I really hope you have a very nice day.
-Zee
>Why do you only post 500 hundred words at a time? Is it that you want help on those parts or are you proud of them?
yeah i want help - they're also picked because i feel they're the most exciting parts of the story. nobody wants to follow an unknown character's thoughts on something they don't care about.
>So one thing I have to say is that you should probably put a 16 warning on your work
oops haha yeah sorry i fixed it
>When there is a group of character talking and even talking over each other having um little identifiers would help. What I mean is after a character talks say something like (Evelyn said) or (She said and James came back with) It will help a lot with confusion.
the parts with no identifiers are like that on purpose - Evelyn's in front of a bunch of strangers, and she has no idea who's talking. to her, it's just a mix of voices. the characters she does know are named, though.
Okay yeah that makes sense. thanks for clearing that up.
Hi, Des from Team Team Team here to drop a review. No that was not a typo.
You can be sure I will be coming back fir more, even though your story is hard to follow.
Happy Review Day!!!
Well. If you don't wish for something, like your abysmal titles, to be commented on you should explain why you chose this title? Is it because you haven't come up with something nice yet? That is titally fine but ypu should just tell us.
In any case yoir grammar ia splendid, and the way you do your accents is very good, so I see no reason to dwell on that. A job very well done!
The way you post your chapters irregularly makes it very difficult for me to review your story's plot more thoroughly. However, I will try my best to help here.
It was, in my opinion a very good idea to use voice as a distinguishing feature. Yes, acnts and voices can certainly be really different from region to region, social standing to social standing. I wondered, since I am not too familiar with your story due to your haphazard post scheme or whatevwr, why people were protecting the girl. Was it because she was a girl? Was it because they recognised her, knew her surname- Whitehill? You are making me ask questions which is very good
In any case that is all I have to say. Good work and keep writing.
With lots of luv
-Mona