z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language Violence

1000 words from page 80 of ma book

by Jyva


James

He heard footsteps coming from behind and stiffened. Josephine appeared at his shoulder. She didn’t say anything for a bit, looking at the Cobham twins fighting. Then she stepped forward to a weapon rack and tossed a practice sword to James.

What?

She was pulling out a sword of her own, beckoning for him to join her.

“Are you mad?” James hissed at her, trying to keep his voice low.

Josephine didn’t say anything, but beckoned for him to come one more time. When he didn’t move, she strode up to him and casually brought her blade down to his head.

James’ hand reacted almost by itself, his sword coming up to block her blow – and everyone at the benches heard the resounding crack that split the air.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he said furiously, pushing her away and rising to his feet. She had that cheeky smirk on her face again, her eyes not leaving his as she slowly backed into one of the sparring rings.

“You afraid of that girl there, James?” Nathaniel and Richard had seen them. He groaned inwardly.

“Come on, be a man!” some voice from the benches called. Josephine cocked her head at him. James looked down at the wooden sword in his hands. It was shaped like a sabre, weighted and balanced the same as well. The kind of sword he’d used when training.

Josephine would have the same skills as I.

His eyes swivelled to her slim figure, then back at the sabre.

But does she have my strength…?

Clenching his teeth, James walked into the ring, feeling the eyes of the Crows’ two leaders watching him. “Come now, James.” Josephine stepped back to allow him room. “En garde.”

The bitch still has her stupid smile.

Putting in a monumental effort to keep everyone but Josephine from hearing his voice, James said quickly, “They’re not meant to know we can swordfight. I’ll pretend to lose, and-”

He got no further as Josephine’s sword suddenly dove towards his chest. He leaped back, barely avoiding the tip of the blade.

Fine.

James raised his arm, feinting a high attack to Josephine’s left and then cutting low to her hip. She anticipated this and blocked him easily, smoothly parrying him and launching a cut of her own in the same movement. James came an inch from having his side sliced open, barely avoiding the Frenchwoman’s sabre, and from there it was instinct. Cut. Parry. Sidestep. Lunge. Cut again. James was on the offensive, but it was obvious to all watching that Josephine was having no trouble defending herself. He tried feinting again – with no change from the last time.

We’ve both been trained the same way.

…Should have.

She sent a cut at his left and James almost went off-balance as he parried it – and then before he realised what was happening another cut came from the opposite direction and landed on his ribs.

“Argh!”

James lunged to stab at the Frenchwoman again. Expecting this, she sidestepped him again, and-

James’ free left hand caught her in the chest. Her eyes widened in confusion for a split second before he pushed and shoved her off-balance, cutting her arm as she stumbled back.

His voice came out through his teeth. “Fucking stop.”

Josephine’s usually-composed face was nothing but shocked, and for a moment James thought it was over, that she was going to give up – and then her hand whipped out and he felt her sword go into his knee, making him roar in pain and sending him staggering backwards. She reasserted herself, clothes dishevelled, peppered with dust – but instead of turning into a frown, her cocky smile had widened.

God damn you.

Mark and Max had finished their fighting, and were now watching as well.

“Get ‘im, Josie!” yelled Max.

“C’mon, James!” hollered Mark.

James spat into the dirt and straightened up. With Nathaniel and Richard watching, a small crowd had begun to form by the training arena. More and more people left their tables to see what the fuss was about.

They circled each other carefully, neither of them eager to be the first to attack. James’ brown eyes matched Josephine’s.

She’s smaller.

Her sabre came for his shoulder with lightning speed and he stumbled back, his defence far too slow. James growled as his muscle stung.

And also faster.

Another attack came and this time James managed to barely deflect it. He returned with a hasty cut of his own, lazily parried. The Frenchwoman was smiling at him.

There has to be something-

The Cobham twin’s sparring suddenly came to the forefront of his mind. He hesitated slightly, and then James raised his arm, winding up for a massive downward slash.

Josephine’s eyes flickered up to his sword.

Not missing a beat, he stepped in and kicked her. She saw his movement and tried to avoid it too late – his foot caught her square in the stomach and her small, usually-graceful frame was sent reeling back, wide-eyed, desperately trying to find her footing before falling over remarkably ungracefully in the dirt at the edge of the ring.

(page break here. perspective change.)





Josephine

God, that hurt.

Josephine lay curled into a ball on the factory floor, coughing. She felt like vomiting. James was approaching.

He is good.

She struggled to breathe properly. There was but seconds before James got to her. The crowd was already cheering, saying he had won.

The woman could feel the sabre in her right hand, and gripped it. She waited until the man’s leg came into view then lashed out at it, hearing a satisfying crack as her sabre hit his kneecap. She rolled out of the way as James was brought crashing down, screaming what Josephine assumed were very angry English swear words.

Josephine got her feet under herself, stood and tried to go and kick his other knee, but even before she took one step she was hit by a wave of nausea and nearly dropped her sword as her vision darkened. The watching Crows roared their approval and Josephine clutched her head, trying to block out the noise. A more-than-displeased James was getting up, heavily favouring his uninjured leg. He didn’t look like he could do anything either.

Josephine didn’t want to admit it, but neither of them could move. The result of their duel was clear: a draw.


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88 Reviews


Points: 4704
Reviews: 88

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Sun Jun 26, 2016 7:04 am
Zee6 wrote a review...



Hey,
seems like I'm here to review another one of your pieces. I do have to say I like this one much better than the last. Maybe it's because of just the situation but I really like this one. I have no idea what your book is about but i like the little bits i get to read and the characters are delightful.

I know I should like Josephine more because like girl power but poor James trying to keep up. I wanted him to win even after he kicked her. Were they fencing for sure because if they were I don't think kicking is aloud...James. But if it's just sparing then go kick who ever you want James.

I didn't see any errors but I'm tried so if I missed any sorry. All and all this was very well done and I hope to read more from you. Have a great night.
-Zee




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62 Reviews


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Reviews: 62

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Wed Apr 27, 2016 6:52 am
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AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Hey Jyva. AnarchyWolf here, as requested, to review.

First of all, what I liked and what you did well - is this fencing I see? Fencing is great. Unlucky for you, I fence in real life so I'm going to point out the mistakes. Moving on from that, I love it when James thinks

"The bitch still has her stupid smile."

It says so much about James, and quite a bit about Josephine. They're two interesting characters that make brilliant rivals. They were fun to read about.

"... casually brought her blade down to his head."

Love it. This is why Josephine is my favorite character in this scene.

Now, you had very few grammatical errors in here. It's either your good writing or my bad editing. I think I only spotted one.

Next, what didn't go so well and what you could do better.

"He heard footsteps coming from behind"
It's unnecessary, don’t need it. It would be fine to say it without the verb.

"... looking at the..."
Watching is a more exact word. The more exact, the better.

"... she was pulling out a sword of her own...
This took a bit of re-reading on my part to get what you meant. It's a bit confusing - perhaps reword to something like 'she was pulling out a sword for herself', so it's easier for the reader to understand what's going on.

"... but beckoned..."
Don’t use beckon again, it draws too much attention to the repeated word. Pick another word, like ‘gesured’ or ‘motioned'.

"... block her blow – and..."
I feel like the sentence would be a lot sleeker and better-flowing without the 'and'.

"... balanced the same as well. The kind of sword he’d used..."
A semicolon could be used instead of the full stop between the two sentences, but doesn’t have to be, so don’t change if you don’t want to. The semicolon would link the sentences together more. It'd work because they're so similar and practically extensions of each other.

"... him. “Come now, James.” Josephine..."
Because Josephine speaks, and she’s not the overall first subject of the paragraph, I feel that you need to start a new paragraph when you write her dialogue.

"... sword suddenly dove..."
I think either ‘lunge’ or ‘thrust’ would be better words to use for an attack, because when you fence and lunge at your opponent, the tip of your sword goes more up than down, so dive is a bit of a strange way to describe it.

"…Should have." [Don’t forget the space after the ellipsis. I can’t help but feel it’s a bit too short, perhaps missing ‘or, we should have been’, but it does convey the short and slightly fragmented thinking that one feels in such a fight.

"... James almost went..."
You have literally hundreds of thousands of verbs and you pick ‘went’. C’mon. Try ‘fell’ or ‘slipped’or ‘toppled’.

"... at the Frenchwoman..."
Technically not wrong, but it irks me that you refer to her as ‘the Frenchwoman’. I feel like there should be a better way to describe her than her nationality. Or, you could just stick with her name.

"Expecting this, she sidestepped him again, and-"
Because James is the Point of View character in this, you could tweak this a little to suggest, not outright tell, what Josephine is doing. ‘She sidestepped him again, she must’ve been expecting it, and-’

"They circled each other..."
I don’t know if you’re writing actual fencing or not, but if you are, then the fighters don’t circle each other. We have a long 14m by 2m strip to fight on called a piste.

"... sabre came..."
Again, find a better word. ‘Lunged’ ‘thrusted’ ‘attacked’’jabbed’. There are a ton to choose from.

"... usually-graceful frame was sent reeling back, wide-eyed, desperately trying to find her footing before falling over remarkably ungracefully..."
I feel like you’ve used the word ‘gracefully’ too much. Choose one instance to use it in, and pick a different adjective.

I have major issues with your title. I've told you this before. I just don't get why anyone would write something this good and demean it with such a title.

Finally, since you asked about writing fight scenes when you requested the review, I'll tell you what I think. This is a fairly slow fight scene - generally, they're quite swift -, but the action itself was written in a way that made it read quickly. Fight scenes that drag on don't serve as much of an incentive to read on or stay engaged. While this one had quite a few wait-and-circle-and-think
bits in it, they didn't take away from the actual fighting. And, it's quite typical to have wait-and-think bits in fencing. No circling though. To improve your fight scenes, make the sentences shorter and more quick-fire (but be careful how you do this. Too much and it'll be terrible. Just add a few in to snap reader's attention), and choose words that are exact to what the characters are doing. This will create a better picture for the reader and the word itself will contribute to the mood of the writing and the scene.

In conclusion, this is a very good piece of writing, with few grammatical errors. The characters are great, especially Josephine, and there are just a few things to clear up. So well done.

-AnarchyWolf




Jyva says...


thanks bruh

and nope it wasn't fencing



Jyva says...


oh shit yeah um i haven't thought of a title for the story yet

and i am definitely not the normal type, so...

sorry about the title i guess i'll change it once i do have a name



AnarchyWolf says...


You're welcome, and you don't have to change the title at all. It doesn't affect the writing.

-AnarchyWolf




It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
— Voltaire