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16+ Language

439 words from page 244 of ma book

by Jyva


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Thomas

Verena wasn’t there.

“Thomas? That you?”

The man looked up from his drink and to his distant surprise saw Mark Cobham closing the tavern door.

“Hi,” Thomas said.

Mark shrugged off his coat and pulled out the stool next to him. “Don’t usually see ya outta th’ base. Don’t usually see ya out at all, come t’ think about it.”

Thomas chose to stare down at his ale.

The bartender, Rufus, came over. “Y’wanna order somethin’, Mark?”

Mark pulled out a bottle from his rucksack. “Nah, brought my own stuff.”

Rufus sighed. “Course y’did,” he said, and sauntered off.

Thomas raised his eyebrow at Mark, who winked. “Got it from th’ kitchens. Mary was busy takin’ care of some girl that came in th’ infirmary.”

Evelyn. Thomas took a deep swig of his ale. “Where’s your sister?”

Mark shrugged. “Dunno, probably off doin’ opium. That, or finding some lucky guy t’ fuck.”

Thomas didn’t comment, and the two stayed silent for a moment.

“Y’didn’t answer my question,” Mark said.

“What?”

“Why’re you out here?”

“Why can’t I be?”

Mark’s light, playful tone darkened. “Me an’ Max have been lookin’ into what Th’ Rat’s been doin’ ever since we left, Thomas.”

Thomas didn’t look up from his bottle. “Good for you.”

“Now, I’m normally fine with London missin’ one or two bums,” the man continued, “But what yer doin’ for him – what we did, back then… it ain’t right, Thomas.”

Ale.

“We didn’ know why we were killin’ those people two years ago. But you an’ I know now, don’t we? An’ yer still workin’ for him. Why?” Thomas didn’t answer. Mark looked up to make sure Rufus wasn’t listening in, and lowered his voice. “What if I just speak up an’ tell everybody in this room that th’ Black Murderer is sittin’ right here?”

His seax was there, hidden inside his coat. Mark only had his bottle. Would Mark react fast enough to stop a thrust to his neck? Knowing him, probably.

“Then I would have to kill everybody here,” Thomas replied.

“Aw, don’t kill Rufus,” Mark said. “I like him.”

The other man was definitely stronger. If it came to hand-to-hand, Mark would have an advantage with grappling because of his fights with Max. Quick, lethal attacks would be the best option. Eyes or throat.

Thomas looked at Mark.

“Be nice, mate,” the Crow said. “Just that one question. Who’re you out here t’ kill?”

There was an empty space where Thomas should’ve been afraid to answer, or felt guilty, or started crying, or did something, but Verena wasn’t there.

“Nobody,” Thomas answered. “Just some old man.”


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1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

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Sun Nov 27, 2016 1:26 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

The first thing that I mentioned was the kind of excessive use of cutting off words and I didn't really like this. Only sometimes does it add onto the dialogue and here wasn't one of those times so I suggest you take some of it out. Something that I did want to mention is that this excerpt is mostly dialogue so that's mostly what I'll be focusing on.

That being said, your characters are talking heads in that there isn't really any body language. Body language is something that's important because it's also a large part of communication, but when people think of communication, they only think verbal. I do have to say that I liked how laid-back the dialogue felt in some parts of the story but other parts of it didn't really work or mesh well with me.

There wasn't really any description of the imagery or surroundings which was disappointing because there's nothing really to go off of. Your paragraphs are quite short and I think some of that space can be filled with sensory details, how does the scene look, sound, smell, /taste/? You can do all of that and make the scene become more vivid than it was before. Create the atmosphere and the tone of the story with this.

Another thing to fill the space with is the main character's thoughts which are something that we see a bit. I'm not saying that you have to do all of this but I think some addition would be nice rather than just dialogue in this part.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:40 pm
AmyMedek wrote a review...



I found the dialogue to be a bit hard to follow, but I got the gist of it. I think it's just because I'm not used to seeing t' instead of to, and small stuff like that. I also found that Thomas' detachment to the situation to be quite interesting. It shows a bit of the way he reacts or not reacting to the situation and really brings out his character.





A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles