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16+ Violence

590 words from page 160 of ma book

by Jyva


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

James breathed slowly, inhaling and exhaling. In, out. In. Out. He’d been doing it for three minutes now, and yet his heart was still beating faster than a galloping racehorse’s.

He was sitting on his bunk, back against the wall. The lamp was unlit, and there was no sound inside the room as he watched the doorway. He’d gone over all of the things that could happen, he knew the words he would say for each situation – and yet, when a spear of light fell across the floor, James lost them all.

Josephine closed the door behind her, locked it, and faced him. Her hair was ruffled, falling messily about her shoulders. In the darkness he could only barely make out her face. Mouth, set in a dead frown. Eyes, sad and cold. A knife, in her hand.

“You killed those people, James.” Even now, her voice was beautiful.

Wordlessly, he nodded.

“Why?”

“I didn’t want Max and Richard to die.” There was a terrible stillness, a dark silence. James ended it. “Are you going to kill me with that?”

She looked down at her knife. “I don’t want to…”

“So we can just… move on?” James said, feeling his heart in his chest. “I’m obviously not a Hunter any more, but if you promise to just leave me be I won’t get in your way-”

“…But I have to.”

“What?”

“Don’t make any noise or they will hear.”

“Josephine, please don’t-”

She rushed him. James was too slow to move – forced to grab her arm to stop the blade from reaching him. They were face to face and he stared at her in shock, seeing their short friendship being ripped apart in her eyes, and then she pushed forward and he was on his back. James kneed Josephine’s stomach and shoved her off, going for the door.

If I get out she’ll be forced to stop-

His hand was on the doorknob before she wrenched him back, slammed him into the wall. James got his hands on the one holding the knife. For a silent five seconds the two struggled, the man trying to pry the weapon out of the woman’s hands. He won, she bit his arm and the weapon fell onto the floor. Josephine was the one who got it first, punching him before diving to the ground. He tried to follow then took a step back when Josephine turned to face him, knife in hand. She got to her feet, came forward again.

Fuck-

James felt the bunk bed frame on the back of his leg, reached backwards, grabbed his blanket and threw it at her. She fumbled with it in the darkness, he leaped forward, his weight sent her to the ground and they grappled for the knife again, twisting and rolling. Holding down her wrist, he wrestled the thing out of her grip and sent it flying away. James was on top, and just like during their duel, he thought he’d won – then Josephine punched his face, twisted her hip, flipped him over and retook the knife. He tried to move but she gripped his shoulder with her free arm, pinned him down, put a forearm across his throat, and it was over.

“I told you, James,” Josephine said, panting as she looked down at him, hair spilling down her cheek onto his, “I would be ready for your sneaky tricks.”

James could feel his heart pounding, his ragged breathing, the cold air, her breath going onto his face –

And then he kissed her.


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95 Reviews


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:32 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi there Jyva, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for The Marauders!

Just so you know, I will give my overall thoughts of your work at the end of this review. So...let's get to it!


- James breathed slowly, inhaling and exhaling. In, out. In. Out. He’d been doing it for three minutes now, and yet his heart was still beating faster than a galloping racehorse’s. -
For the 'In, out. In. Out.' I think you should write it like below:
...and exhaling.
In, out.
In.
Out.
He'd been doing...
However, I am not 100% that this is how it should be, just thoughts and ideas :)
Also, I like your comparison to the racehorse!

- The lamp was unlit, and there was no sound inside the room as he watched the doorway. -
Didn't you just describe that James's breathing was loud? But this sentence is very intriguing!

Well, that was about it! I liked your characters a lot--they seem very complex. It's , my fault for starting in the middle of things that I don't understand everything, but I did understand that Josephine was trying to kill James. I am still pondering why--maybe because he was a murderer himself? Or maybe because Josephine is with some sort of law? These are all good questions for a reader to have because it keeps them motivated to keep reading so great job on that!
I think you could also work a bit on your descriptions of both the characters and their surroundings. I gathered that there was a bunk bed with sheets but that's about it. And there was no description of James at all. But again, I've started in the middle so maybe you've already described them somewhere else? But the surroundings should definitely be described more.

Overall, I quite liked this work and might even review some more of it!
Please keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801




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Sun Nov 27, 2016 12:19 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

Something that I wanted to point out that I don't know if it has or not before is that this is an awkward way to post? I don't know why you're only posting an excerpt of your novel when you could post it chapters but you might have good reasoning for doing that. The only reason I really bring it up is because it's hard to organize and hard for the reading to jump into the story, so that's a small note.

From the plot I had a hard time telling what was going on in the story. From what I've gathered James killed people to save Max and Richard, whom I don't know who are, and Josephine is being forced or is going to kill him. I didn't find the plot that interesting and I think that's one of the things needing work. This is because it's vague and the reader doesn't really have too many context clues as to what's going on. Something that I think that was the strength of the piece was the dialogue and I think that you can use that to your advantage to make good character interaction.

The other thing that needed strengthening was the imagery and description. The characters and plot and structure are all something that make up your skeleton and the description or imagery is the flesh of the story, and you don't really have that here. Create the atmosphere around the characters, give us something to envision. Leaving a part of it up to the reader's imagination is fine, but when there's no imagery, there's no guide. I suggest looking into sensory details here because it would do well in this scene, how it looks, feels, sounds, /tastes/, even.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:21 pm
Travis says...



I'll say upfront that I'm usually not too interested in books like this one. However, I will say that I still found quite intriguing. I also like how you drew me in and kept me drawn from start to finish. Questions swarmed throughout my head.
All in all, I liked it a lot. If you post more about this, then I will definitely want to read it.





You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan