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140,852 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
This is good. I love the comparison between "sun showers" and humans. Both nature's and humans' way of trying to act happy, but sadness still shows.
I only noticed one tiny, little error. In the third stanza, there should be a period after "mask", and a comma after "widely". Otherwise, all the punctuation is good.
Overall, great job on this! Keep writing!
This is really good! I always love poems about rain/storms/etc. and this one was one of the best i've read on this site! My favorite stanza is:
Smiling is my thin mask,
I grin widely
but my eyes give me away,
shedding salty water down my cheeks.
I have to agree with michaeld. "Dance in the Rain" is very vague. Does it mean, be happy when you cry? Or, Stay happy through the sadness? Your stanza lengths are very well planned, but they aren't very interesting. Maybe you could move one word down a line just to make it look more like raindrops. There are people who wouldn't agree with me on that, and maybe your one of them. If so, don't do it! It's your poem, so embrace it! Very good job!
~~Heidi~~
This was really good, especially for someone your age! I have only two things, though. In this section:
"Rain drips onto my nose and face
and tears mingle with fresh drops."
you might want to change it to:
"Rain drips onto my nose and face
and tears mingle with the fresh drops."
It just helps the stanza flow better.
The other thing I had to say, was that the very last stanza
"Sometimes, though,
you’ve just got to let it out
and learn to dance in the rain."
was quite vague... I wasn't sure if by, "and learn to dance in the rain." you meant that you needed to learn to cry secretly (the tears mingling in with the raindrops) or if you meant that you needed to learn to let it all out, as if the rain represented your tears. I hope all of that made sense... Other than that, this was quite well written. Keep writing! BRAVO
I agree with Dumbuldore.
Afternoon,
I do like this. I like it because it's simple.
Your first two stanzas are what I'd call 'impersonal', bar the first two lines. I admire how this switches into first person more prominently in your last two stanzas. However, I'd change the first two lines to this suggestion:
If you re-read over both versions, yours and my suggestion, do you feel my suggestion enhances the fluency mildly? I do personally. Let me know.
If you're going with simplicity, you should follow this suggestion:
The 'pink' doesn't suit your poem, and the 'my' does - it continues the theme that the poem has switched to being personal-focused in the last two stanzas.
They're the only two small amendments I'd make. Otherwise, well done. Good poem.
See you around!
Ben
I love it.