Somehow the walls seem to speak to me,
casting out curses beyond man’s narrow focus,
taunting, taunting my sanity.
~*~
Day and night I can never sleep,
the voices in my head reaching unbearable octaves,
taunting, taunting me with sleeplessness.
~*~
I wish to run and hide,
but these shackles bind me to the ground,
taunting, taunting me with freedom that will never come.
~*~
You call me this word,
a terrible label,
“Disturbed”.
~*~
You say that I’m not right,
messed up in the brain.
But what if I’m actually more sane than you?
~*~
The medicine you give me, it never works,
for the voices are still here,
plaguing my dreams.
~*~
I want to know why,
why I deserve this fate?
But no one will listen to the “disturbed”.
~*~
So, I sit here,
letting the walls speak,
The voices reign,
as you taunt, taunt my sanity.
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hey JustOneMorePoem, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:
Speaking walls is a nice poetical play on words there. It's intriguing, but makes a whole lot of sense when you think about it. I also felt that you wrapped the poem up well by returning to the first formatting style you used. It brought it full circle and put a cap on things, letting me know that this is the resolve that we've come to, and I can rest assured that I've come to the end of the poem.
Negatives:
I can see why you've doubled up the "taunting," but having them in the same line seems really out of place, and very chunky. I don't like it much. My fix would be to put the first "taunting" on its own line, so then you'd have for lines to the stanza.
The imagery is broken for me when I read this line. I don't get being taunted with sleeplessness, because it doesn't seem like anything that would be used for that purpose. Perhaps taunted into sleeplessness?
Overall:It's written well, and while it's not my forte, it's still good writing and I enjoyed reading it.
I give it:
Hello, here for a review!
I just want to firstly state that this poem is greatly written. Great job!
Now I will get into the review!
I'm not the biggest fan of the, "~*~" separating the stanzas, though it does look pretty, if I were you I would just omit them. I would also like to comment on the repetitive "taunting, taunting", it's not really necessary and, truthfully, my eyes just scanned over it. It's not really impacting the poem in a significant way. I will say that maybe having just one "taunting" might help. Also, you don't have it in the last line of every stanza and if you were going for emphasis, it would maybe help your cause.
Here in these three lines
You either forgot to put a period or accidentally capitalized the "The". Either way, I think it's just the lack of proofreading. If not, my apologies.
Overall, this is a really short review because there were not major problems with you poem. I think it is a fantastic poem, keep up the good work and Happy Holidays!
Hey, JustOneMorePoem! I'm here to review your poem. I hope you find my review helpful.
First, I wanted to talk grammar. And grammar is not necessary to poetry, but I noticed that you used it, so I'm assuming I can critique it. I think many poets make the mistake of thinking every line is a new sentence and should be treated as such. But, no. You don't need to capitalize every beginning of a new sentence and you don't need to always put a period or a comma at the end. Just like when reading a novel or short story, we are supposed to pause at a comma and then pause longer at a period. It really ruins the flow if that's how your readers end up reading your poem.
Now onto the content of the poem. I did not really enjoy the repetition of "taunt". It didn't do much for me. It didn't really add to any emotion or any flow. Also, I found you rephrased a lot of the lines you said before in previous stanzas which can be a bit odd and boring. Make new points, add more color (imagery, personalization, metaphors, etc.), and you'll have something really great. You're a talented writer but you definitely have potential to grow (I find knowing the fact you can grow even more as an artist comforting).
marmalade
(Merry Christmas <3)