A Locket

JustOneMorePoem,

I love your username.

Nicely done. This poem does a great job in elevating that symbolic locket, your flow is pretty and your voice believable. I hear the "been through hell" quite poignantly, and I think the reason it works is the juxtaposition of the powerful sentiment of pain and the flippant, almost casual and conversational way of talking about it. That is wonderful.

The "you've always been beside me/still stand beside me" Is not one of my favorites, although I understand its place in the poem for its significance. We need a line that shows steadfastness and you choose to do it through repetition, I understand the logic. Trust and loyalty and steadfast is played out in our lives by repetition. Someone who is there for you once and again and again and again is showing that through virtue of repetition. So craft-wise, I understand why you chose to use the technique. But I think in execution it doesn't work.

The poem reads very quickly so the space between line 3 and line 6 is minuscule, so it just reads repetitive rather than a person being dutifully there. Maybe by adding more space between those lines you're better able to execute that sentiment? Space of course shouldn't just be fluff, right? It's not enough to just throw more lines, it has to grow organically from the piece itself. I think an opportunity for that growth could be done by extrapolating more out of those "cried/bawled" lines. Don't just tell us you've been through hell TWICE. Say it once, say it right! Your first two lines work. But lines 4 and 7 say the same thing as line 2.

Provide a scene instead. The sting of dried tears on dry skin. The trunk effort of sniffling away a dripping nose. It can still keep to your style of short and sweet but with the added poignancy that only images can provide. Once we start to see that pain, when we can touch it and smell it and hear it, that locket becomes important not just to the speaker, but to us.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Hello los3r lov3 here for a crappy review!

Firstly this was a lovely poem. I don't have many true friends so I'm not sure how it feels first hand but this poem makes it understandable. You did very well with the wording and flow of your words, so good job! Anyway in any good review there has to be something you could improve on. Hmm, let's see. Well for one you often used 'but' and 'yet as a sentence starter. These words are used in the middle of a sentence to make it more advanced. It's something simple to work on really. So overall this was a cute little poem, thanks for the read!

Have a lov3ly evening!

Amazing poem! I love the rhyme and rhythm and I didn't see any problems with grammar and spelling and structure, so excellent job with that! In the sixth line, at least to me, "But still you stand beside me" has better flow and rhythm and sound, but I understand it's the way it is to preserve parallel structure throughout the poem, so idk. The only thing I have to say is about the ending. The entire poem is spectacular and enjoyable and understandable and relatable to the reader except the end. What is the locket? A symbol for something? A literal locket? I'm a bit confused. Love the poem though! Keep it up

Hello! (Im new to YWS so I apologize if my review seems bland or unhelpful)


I would like start off by saying that i really enjoyed the emotion put into this poem. The ending was very satisfying but there is one thing I would recommend.. Throughout the poem, several lines being with the word "but"; I suggest you take out the word to make the lines just a bit stronger. I would keep the "But" at the end though just because it sounds nicer. Also the line

"But know you're gone, and I'm so alone"

Is "know" supposed to be the word "now" ? Perhaps it may be a typo , look over that part again! All in all, the emotion put into your poem was delightful but make sure to go over it a few times and make sure it can be as strong as it can be!

Keep contributing to the writing world!