The sad little flower wants to play,
But it cannot move at all.
The sad little boy comes its' way,
And it tries to stand up tall.
The sad little boy gives a sad little smile,
And carefully picked it up.
Then the sad little boy gave the little flower water,
Which she happily drank up.
So for awhile, they walked a mile,
And neither were ever sad.
But it came to an end, for around the bend,
Was the happy little boy's father.
He took one look, and then he took,
The little flower from the boy.
And he ripped it in half, like a broken staff,
While the little boy came and wept.
So after awhile, he stared for awhile,
And gave the flower, one last smile.
Then he set it around,
And under a mound,
So no one would ever find it.
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139,794 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hello there!
Here to review and try to help you with this lovely work of yours. This is pretty innocent and sweet work. So sad it is because the flower 'dies'. Let's say it this way. And this was really heart breaking for me at least. I thought this work will end up with a happy end but unfortunately this was nit the matter here. I like the work still. Even if sad, it is still beautiful and worth the read. Only several nitpicks!
You can not say its'. It is wrong by itself. it needs to be :
its way
They can not walk a mile, only he can. So maybe he walked a mile with her or held/carried the flower.
If the flower will be 'she' it needs to be like this from the very beginning but it was not this was when you said the flower can not move. So choose one of them and use it only.
Overall, very goof job and I have no more complains.
This was beautiful. D:
Hello there, here to review.
First of all I'd like to say, that was a very good poem! I really liked it and it made me sad and happy at the same time so honestly, I do not know what to think. But I know that I like it, and I find it quite sweet. Now, there are a few things that you could correct or change so your poem becomes, in my opinion, better, and here they are:
1) Once you start with a tense, stick to that tense! You start by using the present, and then all throughout the story you change from present tense to past tense and back to present tense, and it can be very confusing. So make sure you pick one tense, past, present, future even, and then stick with it for the rest of the poem, otherwise it does not exactly make sense.
2)
You should not put an apostrophe after its, that is wrong.
3) So first you write this:
And then you say this:
For this, too, continuity is important. If you start by deciding the flower will be a she, that is alright, but make sure she stays a she all throughout the story, and that she isn't a she sometimes and an it sometimes.
4)
Obviously, this is poetry, where anything can happen, but the flower walks? I mean, we can imagine the flower having a sad or happy face and talking to the boy, but a flower walking is not something we imagine easily. Instead, you could say something like:
which I think would make some more sense.
5)
This metaphor isn't necessarily correct, but in my point of view, it doesn't work very well. Yes, I know you are trying to make it rhyme, but a broken staff is usually broken, and not necessarily ripped like you say here. Therefore, the two images clash in my head and it makes me slightly lose the flow of your poem, as I am wondering how a staff can be ripped.
Wow. This is a great ending to the story. I really like it, and it gives the reader some hope, because no one will ever find the same flower again, but what can happen if you put a flower under dirt? Well, if it has been pollinated, it can grow a fruit which can then turn into another little flower! So, maybe I am just being optimistic, and maybe that is not at all the meaning you were trying to give the poem, but it's a meaning I like so I shall stick to it.
Anyway, I hope this review helped. This was really good, so keep on writing!
I LOVE THIS!!! you are such an amazing writer!! I feel really connected to this. You are really able to feel the pain. Being lost isn't so bad sometimes it's alittle intresting.
Hello! First off, I would like to say that your poem is very well written! I loved how emotional you made the poem. I could feel the character's pain, and I loved the detail! I do have one recommendation though, I mean, I understand the title (I love it by the way) But I would have a title that associates the story with the title.
Very well written!!