Falling. That’s what I felt as I kept my eyes screwed shut. Until, I hit bottom. I grimaced at the impact, and felt excruciating pain in my lower back.
“Son of a-”
“Child.”
I snapped my eyes open, quickly forgetting the pain, and whirled around, looking anywhere in the darkness, to find the source of the voice.
“Child.”
I looked everywhere, but all I saw was darkness. So, out of fear, I answered the voice.
“W-What do you want from me?”
I shuddered in angst as I listened for the voice, but, after a few moments, I realized it wasn’t answering. I grew confused at the mannerisms of the voice, but then fell silent as I heard footsteps echoing from somewhere in the sea of black, but, I couldn’t pinpoint them exactly.
“H-Hello?”, I called, “W-Who’s out there?”
Once I spoke, the footsteps stopped, but, adding to the already lit flame of fear, I saw two, ruby red eyes peer out at me from the darkness. Then, suddenly, they started to move. One moving to the left, the other to the right, in a grotesque dance of some sort. It continued for many minutes, until, they both led themselves back to where they had originally hung.
“Child.”
I, believing if I took my sight off of those eyes they’d do something, tentatively answered the voice.
“W-What do you want from me!?”
As soon as I had finished, the two eyes began to move again, only this time forward, and, as they drew nearer, I could scarcely pick out a definition of a body along with them. And, when the body, whom was a man, stepped into the light, he smiled, a sickly smile showing off his abundance of shark-like teeth, and spoke.
“Your soul.”
I screamed as he lunged at me, and shot up from my covers, taking a few breaths before realizing I was in my room. I felt my forehead and felt the sweat coating it, and looked towards my alarm which read ‘3:30 A.M’.
“Great”, I sighed, “It was just a dream.”
I heard a maniacal laugh in the corner of my room, and my eyes widened, because there, coming from the shadows of my room, was the same man from my dreams.
“Sorry love”, he crooned, “But it wasn’t a dream.”
And then he smiled, that same sharp-toothed smile, and then lunged.
*To be continued*
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Ooh, interesting.
Some personal reading preferences I found to be a little disturbing during the reading:
-"I, believing if I took my sight off of those eyes they’d do something, tentatively answered the voice." Considering separating this into two sentences. Perhaps conveying the main character's caution and fear, without summing it up in one sentence. For example, what did he think the Boogeyman might do? Was he afraid it might kill him? Or was it unsure of what it would do to him, but still feel an almost universal sense of fear?
-"Once I spoke, the footsteps stopped, but, adding to the already lit flame of fear, I saw two, ruby red eyes peer out at me from the darkness." Again, consider breaking this into several sentences. Maybe "Once I spoke, the footsteps stopped. I saw two ruby red eyes peer out at me from the darkness, and the flame of fear burning my lungs rendered my throat useless." Or something of the sort. This is a suggestion, you're the writer so what you change is your decision.
There were more I had a problem with, but I won't take it too close to heart. I generally liked this one. It's very quiet, very vague, but still frightening; perhaps the only thing I'd complain about is the above sentence structure issues and the fact that this was a little generic. Everything that should happen in a horror story does happen, and there was nothing that made it unique. To me, at least. Still, it was very good as a horror story. Great work on that.
Signing out. -EM.
Edit: OH! Just saw this. Commas gobefore parentheses on quotes.
Oops, accidently submitted the draft instead instead of the edited review. My bad.
I'm going to be honest, I wouldn't be able to craft a short story like this at your age, but I'm able to see a few weaknesses in this story. These are actually pretty easy to fix (except maybe one), so I apologize if I'm not able to pound on your hidden achilles heel.
I enjoyed the story. You told good ol horror story, which shows your ability of storytelling. I enjoyed the actions and descriptions that you used in this story. The realism of the main character's dialogue and actions makes the story a better read too.
I got my myself a few gripes with this story, too. There's going to be more text than the pros, but it's really just for explaining the problems.
This was too abrupt for me. Your first impression must count, and you transitioned away from really quickly. You could have built on from the first and second sentence. Maybe tell a general time for long he was falling, or what emotion the narrator was feeling when falling. Also, I think adding "the" before bottom would be more fitting, but that can be personal preference.
Why? Since it wasn't a dream, I don't see how the narrator can recover from an "excruciating pain".
No comma needs to be between room and was.
I have two problems with this, but they will be split into two because they are sort of important. First, what was the man doing in the room before he smiled and lunged? This could have built the antagonist's personality well if handled right. Did he seem chipper and relaxed, or was he a bloody-thirsty monster? This could have given us a better visual.
Next, this sentence draaaaaags. A lot of them do. It's stale in sentence variety. This might be weird to hear, but a short/simple sentence will help. Just look with sentences with a lot of commas. Think, is that going to be easy to read. Does this sentence really need this need that much commas? I'm not saying to rid all complex sentences, but you overused them greatly.
I have problem on where you stopped. You end right where the action began. I understand the possibility of ending on a cliffhanger, but in my opinion, it didn't work. The length was also on the short side, so I would have put more into this story.
One more thing: who is the narrator? Nothing indicates it. This is one gripe I have on short stories: you can't attach to the character. I don't think that character development is huge on this story, but we don't even know this person's gender.
That wraps it up. I think this story is already a good read, but by expanding some details and making the sentences more varied, it can really improve the story.
Hey Twizz here!
I like the start of this, it's like a beginning of a movie! Hopefully next time we will have some insight into the main character, or the Boogeyman. I have no idea where this is going and I'm anticipating it.
You have a pretty good idea with what you are writing and I could easily imagine those scenerios. I liked all of it and will be following you for the next update. But i do hope to know something more about the character. What they look like for instance so I can see it better in my mind!
Why does he want their soul? What kind of creature is this boogeyman? Really am interested to know. This feels like an anime the way it's written, I imagined it as so as well.
But all in all good job, you get a follow and a like for this! Keep at it!
I loved this!! I can't wait till you continue it.