Drowning in thoughts,
though words bubble to the surface.
Waves of dark water
slowly clearing the mind.
The water is clear
and the course is calm.
But even in the smooth sand,
sharp shells and stones may appear.
Sometimes even souls swimming free
need to stop to breathe,
because under the sea
sailors can't see
when mermaids cry.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hi again!
I don't think you should have a full stop after calm.Specifics
1. I'm not sure the 'though' fits in the second line as the words bubbling to the surface isn't really a contradiction. For someone drowning in thoughts, we'd expect that to happen - words will keep coming and coming and that's why we feel like we're drowning because it feels like there an an endless stream of words or phrases. Maybe instead you could have 'Drowning in thoughts,/ wraith-like words bubble to the surface.' Or maybe you could describe them as being like ghosts to give the sense that these are old thoughts which have resurfaces a lot. Or skeletal?
2. Oh interesting - the dark water is clearing the mind but this is still a bad thing right because it means the darkness is winning?
3.
4. I'm not sure I understand the ending - what do souls swimming free have to do with sailors? That feels like a big jump because until now we've not had any imagery of sailors or anything on the surface in general. Or is the sailor already under the sea and is the soul swimming free? I think that needs to be made clearer.
Overall
I like the theme and I like the image of not being able to see tears under the water but I'm not sure I was able to follow the flow or to understand if the first part was in the mermaid's head or the sailor's or whether the free flowing spirit is separate or part of one of the two. I liked the imagery and I don't think you had any issues with the flow of the poem but a little bit more clarity would be nice.
Thanks for the read!
~Heather
Hello, JustALittleBarry! VegasLights here to give you an actual review because last time I just left a comment. So, let's get started with this review!
I really liked how you directed the poem along and the flow of your poem was great! I had a clear picture in my head and not once did it get blurry. I love how you chose an interesting topic and made more in depth, if you know what I mean. Lines seven through ten, are my favorite lines because that gives me the clear picture that I was talking about.
There isn't really anything that I would fix about your poem because it is just so good! Though, lines nine and ten don't really need to be there. To me, there is no significance in that those two lines. That is really the only thing that I would change.
Overall, I thought your poem was really good. The structure and flow was pretty good but a few lines broke the flow. Your topic was interesting because it wasn't really an everyday topic which made me happy because we often write about the same things. In your poem though, you wrote about mermaid's tears. Which I am pretty sure has a stronger meaning than is actually being told. That is it for this review, so I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
xo.VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)
I LOVE your poem!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I LOVE this!
Thank you so much!!
Hi there JustALittleBarry!
I really enjoyed reading this lovely poem of yours. You did an excellent job with your diction and the overall flow of the poem. It created a vivid picture in my mind! The only complaint I have is that I wish it was longer! Maybe a few lines in the beginning portion, or through out the poem?
-BubblegumGoddess
Great poem! I love it!
Thank you!!
Hi JustALittleBarry!
This poem was a wonderful idea. And you've done a beautiful job putting the idea across to the readers. Here are a few tips and thoughts:
I absolutely loved these lines! It's such a perfect picture.
These lines are beautiful in their paradoxical nature. I imagine that maybe the dark water is your unwanted thought and as they flow away in the form of dark waves, your mind becomes clear.
Which is why the next line doesn't make sense. How can the dark water be clear?
The first line here is great because although you say that its calm the sharpness of the "k" sound makes it's feeling incomplete which is exactly what you need. Externally, although it feels calm, It really isn't. Love that touch!
The sibilance in the next lines is great too because I can almost hear in the background a soft cry when its read out loud. Brilliant even if you didn't mean to do that.
As for the meaning of these lines, I think there is a need for revision. You're talking about the ocean and here we suddenly find ourselves, as readers at the shore. Then quite abruptly in the following lines, we are again brought back to the sea. To prevent this needless shake, I would make the line: But in the smooth sand depths. So that we are going down/in and not out.
The use of the word stones is anticlimactic. I can understand why the sharp shells show harm but the not the smooth stones. I'd let this word go or change it into something else.
"may appear" for me at least doesnt seem right. They dont just appear, but are embedded into it and are just not seen to the common eye. I'd go for a word synonymous to "concealed".
As for the structure of this, I think it's great. With all the sibilant words until the sudden plosive of the "b" in breathe. But I fail to see the significance of teh line in this poem. You were previously talking of the danger and now somehow it has come to being unable to breathe. I cant connect this.
I think this is a beautiful idea. And wonderfully written as well. It just needs another two or three good lines to lead up to it. With such a good ending, you have to keep the readers attention till the end. if you do come up with more lines I'd love to hear
Anyway, great job!!!
Keep writing!
~ILived