Hello! I'll be reviewing your poem for today. Let's get right into it.
I loved the analogy between plants and people! Although I think it has been done many times before, you did make it unique. However, there were some parts that could be a little more unique and different than other poems of the same context. I think wording and phrasing in general are much more important when dealing with a common topic.
We grow in the cracks of pavement
stems growing tall and gangly,
In the second line, I'd recommend using a different verb for 'growing'. It's not only repetitive but it doesn't feel as flowy, if that makes sense.
Your second stanza is what confuses me -- I can kind of see where you are going with the idea, but the whole mirror concept is not quite fitting with the rest of the poem. Perhaps you could try better to tie it in with the context of that stanza? Otherwise, it pops out randomly as I read and it almost confuses me. I do love what you are trying to get at with it, though.
I tried to run away from
my skin, and buy a train ticket for
a skeleton, yet that was then.
Again, I love what you're trying to get at with the 'train ticket' idea, but does it exactly go along and fit with the rest of the poem? Does it tie into the theme? Why did you use a train ticket? What importance does that represent in the poem? I would try switching it up for a new word that ties more into the significance of the message and poem itself.
For the most part, the formatting of your poem was mediocre. I think you could have done something to make the line breaks less invasive. For example, this line break really stopped the flow and made things choppy:
inviting green,
crowned with a ring of
Honestly, I think these lines (stanzas, even) could be joined together. Sometimes it's nice to have poetry be even in structured stanzas, but other times it comes as an advantage to mix up the formatting. Maybe you could play around with it a little?
Though this poem serves as a powerful message, I wasn't feeling much emotion. Don't get me wrong -- emotion can be hard to capture sometimes. But, it is crucial to poetry. Take all the chance you get to include emotion in your poems. When you describe color, mention the emotion. Like, why does the speaker consider them self as having green leaves? Does it represent an emotion? Adjectives to describe things are great, but so are emotions and feelings!
This poem was very beautiful! It has lots of potential, and I hope to see more of your works in the future! If you have any questions please feel free to ask.
Points: 7955
Reviews: 109
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