E - Everyone

The Saga of Uthdore 1.1: Rangorn Part 1

PreviousNext

Rangorn

The spirits’ anger was evident. The old man heard them whisper and curse his name rabidly in their ancient language as he walked, wheezing and huffing, through the night. The old forest spirits had watched his heinous actions. They scorned the object in his worn hands, the heavy Tome with its brown leather binding that acted as a cage for the unbelievable power trapped inside. He began to whisper a short prayer to Vorad for forgiveness of his theft of the book, but he quickly remembered that he deserved no absolution for his deeds.

As the old man mused on the steps it had taken him to arrive at this day, his faltering eyes took notice of a small shack in the distance he had come to call home for the past few months. It was not his true home; he would probably never return to the glorious forest that had raised him. The dwelling merely served as a place to perform a spell. A dark spell.

The old man opened the door to his temporary, dilapidated quarters and looked around. The wood of the shack was rotting, black and far too weak to survive for much longer. The old man had often felt the walls sway against the slightest breeze. The walls seemed to whisper due to holes dug by small rodents that would scatter in and out, their small mouths filled with whatever meager scraps of food the old man had been foolish enough to leave about the shack. The room had only a pit for fire and a wooden table, the only things he needed. He hardly slept, so a bed was useless. With one movement, the old man set the Tome on the table and swept his experienced hands with a practiced wave across the pit, sparking a small fire. A deep, thoughtful breath prepared the man before he stepped timidly toward the table and opened the Tome.

The awful sight forced the old man to look away when he laid his eyes on the first few pages of the terrible book. The spells in the Tome were the horrid and vile creations of dark Mages centuries ago to perform acts of evil far too gruesome for the old man to think about for too long. It sickened him even to glance at the disgusting words, but the Tome contained the ritual that he desired and he had no choice but to persevere to reach his goal.

He read the ancient language of the Tome easily, having studied the old tongue with the Elves in Woodfair. At the thought of his old life in the woods, a tear rolled down the old man’s face and dripped unwittingly onto the very words the he was reading. The tear seemed to be a final plea by whatever forces controlled these sorts of things for the old man to cease his actions at once. Consideration of cessation crossed the old man’s mind, but he nonetheless wiped the tear away and continued to damn himself.

The ritual required nothing but blood and a Song to coax the demon into the world of the mortals. With a knife firmly held in his hand, the old man placed himself in front of his conjured fire and began to Sing. The words were old and unused, as was his voice. He had not summoned a creature in decades and, as he forced his Song into the other world, he wondered if his coarse voice would lull any creature into traveling to the human world.

The more he focused on his own voice, the more the old man grew to detest listening to himself Sing. He began to think that if he were a demon, he would detest coming into the human world by the force of such a horrible Song. Once the Song was complete and his words finally began to caress the outer edges of the spirit world’s domain, he waited for a response.

The coming of Death was imminent, and cold. The room chilled rapidly as though it was icing over from a harsh, Faymont winter. The pit of fire in the center of the room burned brightly, yet no heat came from it. The old man began shaking uncontrollably. He smelt the unmistakable, metallic stench of unbridled power in the air as the fire began to swirl and grow brighter, far too bright for his elderly eyes to handle. The old man clutched the silver blade tightly, waiting for the ritual to begin. Suddenly, the world stopped. The old man was no longer cold. The fire blew out. Darkness filled the room. Silence shouted deafeningly. Nothingness was upon him.

“What will you give to me?”

The voice reverberated off the walls and seemed to be everywhere. It was inside the old man’s mind, boring into his temples and crushing his heart. His ability to breathe all but left him. The old man nearly keeled over; he had not expected the effects of the ritual to be so harrowing on his body. Utilizing the tenacity that held him to his task, the old man forced himself to push off the pain on his body and stand tall. As he raised the blade to his hand, the old man looked away in anticipation of the warm blood that would soon pour from his body. The cold metal sliced into his hand and allowed the red liquid to flow. It dripped onto the wooden floor in small drops that caused the old man to quiver. Blood did not bode well with the Mage. The old man held out his hand submissively to the fire, following the instructions of the ritual. The flames jumped from the pit and wrapped around his hand. The old man cried out as the strange flames sapped the blood away from his body.

“What do you ask of me?” the voice demanded impatiently.

The old man gazed into the flames of the pit and saw everything. He saw himself as King of Uthdore. He saw mountains of jewels and lakes filled to the brim with gold. He saw himself with all of the power he could possibly imagine. It was tantalizing. The old man reached for the fire, his mouth watering and his hands shaking, but he realized the trick before it was too late. He quickly recoiled and drew his hand away from the fire.

“I ask for Dratia. I want to see her again.” the words finally coming to his lips after years of agonizing anticipation.

“I cannot allow a dead human to be brought back to this plane of existence, you foolish mortal. She is gone for eternity. She will be with you in the End.”

“I know the limits of magic. I wish to see her again, demon-god! Show her to me, now!”

The voice did not answer back. The old man waited. His knife dropped to the floor and he himself fell to his knees when a woman appeared before him. The old man knew she was not human, but a spirit: a projection from the other side. Her youthful features brought him a happiness that had been unknown to his heart for years.

“Where am I?” the ghostly form asked.

The old man stood up with much difficulty, but he could not think about the pain. She was there, in front of him. How he had longed to see her face again.

“You are in the world of the living, my dear.”

“Rangorn?”

“Yes, my love.”

“I am dead.”

“Yes, my love.”

“You brought me to the world of the living.”

“Yes, my love.”

“Why?”

The door burst open and dozens of ironclad soldiers poured into the small room. Wind blew through the door and the fire disappeared, the beautiful woman along with it. Rangorn’s hands flew to the fire pit and dug deep into the ashes, regardless of the searing pain. He yelled the woman’s name and begged the demon-god to return her to him, but Dratia did not appear. A laughing voice echoed throughout his head, the laugh of an evil victor gloating of his victory. Rangorn turned angrily to the soldiers, the fire of rage burning within him.

“By order of Baron Uskban Nystheris of Whiteholt, you are under arrest for the use of death magic within our borders.” A soldier said.

“You fools! You have ruined everything!” Rangorn screamed.

“Men, prepare to constrain the Mage.”

It was all over. After so many years of planning and studying, idiotic soldiers who understood nothing had ruined his efforts. Rangorn’s anger overtook his emotions and his malice gained control of his body. He raised his hands into the air and shouted filthy, arcane words to the gods that caused the weaker soldiers to fall to their knees. Rangorn’s aged voice disappeared and an ancient sound bellowed from the Mage’s mouth. The words flowed from Rangorn’s being and transfixed his would-be captors who found themselves unable to move. In a sudden, inhuman movement, Rangorn’s hands flew to face the soldier who had dared speak to the Mage. A strange light flowed from his fingertips and slammed into the man, knocking the soldier off his feet and blasting him through the rotten walls of the shack.

“Demon magic!” A soldier yelled.

The other soldiers surrounded their fallen comrade. His skin had turned ashy and black. His eyes were sunken in. He was dead. Although the lowly soldiers would never discern the fact, the spell had taken the man’s soul. Rangorn, recovering from his powerful magic, simply stared at his murder, unable to justify the ultimate act of betrayal against Vorad. A river of regret began to flow through the Mage’s mind, before he felt a sharp pain on his head and darkness filled his mind.

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Messenger
Review

Hey! Messenger here for ya!
This was great! I loved how you begin. It intrigues the reader immediately. You pose questions we now want answered. Who is the woman? Who is the demon? What all does this magic stuff entail? Will the couple meet again? DaggerPen pointed out most of my nitpicks. I think he is right about the song and words. But ,I understand that it might take a lot of extra time if you want to kind of make up half a language.

The battle at the end was epic. I could see it all in my mind. The guy breaking through the wall was cool. And then the end. Oh you leave us on a cliffhanger! Overall this got me hooked. I will b reviewing the rest of your chapters as you post them! I will try to get all of your posted ones , during this Review Day! Good job!

User avatar
DaggerPen
Review

Hello. DP for a review for you today.

Tome with its brown, leather binding that acted as a cage for the unbelievable power trapped inside.

You can get rid of the comma after brown.

eyes took notice of a small shack in the distance he had come to call home for the past few months.

This is just a personal thought, but that line seemed to make tit seem almost as if the shack were something the man just spotted, but then you say it was his home. I think it is because of the choice of words. Instead of took notice, maybe put recognized? That isn't really an error, but just a personal though.

a tear rolled down the old man’s face and dripped unwittingly onto the very words the man was reading.

You use the word "man" twice in that sentence. The second time you use it could be changed to he, because we know who is reading it.

And done!

So, this was fantastic. When he first began the ritual and the darkness overcame him, I could totally picture all of it. As could I with the fight with the soldier.s That part was really cool. The action was fun and intense. Everything in this chapter is so emotional, and yet it still flows fantastically. One thing however I really wish you would have, is some of the words. You say he Sings, and he shouts god words (I couldn't help but think of Skyrim) but we don't know what it is. That forced me too basically just continue reading on without getting the tone of the song or what it sounds like (besides the fact that it was bad.)

Overall an exciting chapter. I may continue to read on. Kudos!

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Mon Jan 06, 2014 8:12 pm

Well... it looks like I missed a bit of the story. So, I will now come back and read about who this Rangorn actually is. c:

As with my last review, I'm probably going to be really anal in this review as I search for something to complain at you about.

It was not his true home; he would probably never return to the glorious forest that had raised him.
I would say nix the semi-colon and the 'had', and add 'but'. "It was not his true home, but he would probably never return to the glorious forest that raised him."

The walls seemed to whisper due to holes dug by small rodents that would scatter in and out, their small hands filled
~ I know this just my anal zoologist coming out, but rodents don't have hands. You could use paws, but they don't *carry* them with their paws, when they're scurrying away-- they carry food in their mouths.

At the thought of his old life in the woods, a tear rolled down the old man’s face and dripped unwittingly onto the very words the man was reading.
~ Alright, it seems I just have problems with people crying...but... it just doesn't feel believable for me, I guess. Memories can make me sad, sure, but it takes more than a single thought, or a single memory to make me start crying-- and I always imagine fantasy characters being stronger than I am. Maybe slow the scene down? I dunno. Building up to it might make it seem more believable.
~

Okay! The chapter I reviewed earlier is definitely better than this one, but this was good. I enjoyed it. Good characters, good storyline, good development. Keep rocking!

~Shady 8)

Hey! Thanks for the review, my friend! I've noticed that you seem to misunderstand Rangorn and why he seems so emotional. The Elves, the race that raised Rangorn and taught him magic, are highly emotional beings. You won't know that until much later in the novel, though. I suppose I could plug that into the first few chapters, so that Rangorn doesn't seem weak. He is an extremely powerful Mage, but the Elves always taught adherence to one's emotions.

User avatar
Segreto
Review
Segreto wrote a review · Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:21 pm

Hi there!
Ok, I'll start saying that this story is amazing. From the first few lines the tense and dark atmosphere is established wonderfully and is held together through out the hole course of the story perfectly, and the images you describe are so clear and easy to see, I can picture the cabin in which the man lives, and the bright fire works as a perfect juxtaposition of the darkness that characterizes the tone of the story and the in universe darkness within the cabin.

The emotions of fear, desperation, rage mingle together through the course of the story and it makes you automatically synchronize with the main character.
The main character is well developed, but I feel as if not all of his secrets have been revealed yet, and I am extremely curious to know what will happen next.

I have only one nitpick, and it would be:
"He had not summoned a creature in decades and, as he forced his song into the other world" (paragraph 6) - I've noticed that the words Song, Sing and the like have a capital S, and here it does not.
I loved the story, and I'll certainly be checking out the rest of it!

Hey. TaciturnPhantom here for a review.

A quick note to you: I would recommend splitting this post up into smaller parts as reviewers tend to back away at very long pieces and put them off from reviewing it.

I'll start off by saying that the title of your novel caught my attention and the first line drew me in. I was enraptured from the beginning until the end. Your descriptions and imagery are astounding and allowed me to build images of the events in my mind at ease as they unfurled. Whilst reading this, I felt as though I were truly there and witnessing everything that was happening. Another aspect that I loved were the small details and back-story of the world's history and people. Throughout the piece, you built and maintained a tense and apprehensive atmosphere which also kept me reading. As well as this, you have a beautiful writing style!

I was easily able to perceive the characters' thoughts and emotions, particularly Rangorn's and experience them as though they were my emotions instead. Again, your descriptions allowed me to easily imagine each of the individual characters' physical features.

A couple of nitpicks:

to the King at the Gathering of Dragonfield in 7 months time.”


The 7 should be written as "seven" and an apostrophe is needed after the s in "months" to show possession.

Also, for the dialogue between Rangorn and Alder, you use "said" and "asked" a lot. I would suggest substituting "said" and "asked" for synonyms as it can sound monotonous.

Scouring through the rest of the piece, I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors or any mistakes with the tenses.

Overall, it was a fantastic read. I have been left wanting to know more of this world and the people that live within it, and to find out what will happen next to Rangorn. It has so much potential and sounds so professional. The only aspect missing was reading this all on pages in a book. If you're going to publish more, I cannot wait to read it.

Thank you so much for reading this. I wasn't sure anyone would try because of the length, but thank you, my friend.

I decided to divide it into two parts, so thanks again for your input, my friend.



The DEPTH of emotions involved in cabbage farming...
— Snoink