As Ordyn walked to the Throne of Kings, all around him fell to their knees. No one spoke as the King walked the steps to his seat of power. As he sat, Darech and Burser were the firsts to stand. The Court Mage and Court Knight were given that honor. Then, the highest-ranking Acktur’s began to rise. Ordyn’s mother, Oryn Acktur, was the next to stand. Others followed suit. Once the entire court had come to their feet, they waited anxiously for the King to speak.
“Dark are the times we live in. Sulryn Rothestwar wages a war against those in his own kingdom. Faymont has come under siege and its King cannot protect it. Racism runs rampant across our lands as Elves are treated as dogs, Dwarves are seen as barbaric idiots, and the Mer are hunted and killed as though they are just as low as the fish that inhabit their murky lands. The kingdom is splintered. Sulryn campaigns for a world of evil, a world where humans are the sole masters of this land. Elves would be our slaves and Dwarves would our workers. The Mer would simply entertain us with their songs. Sulryn will bring about this world. I swear it. As for those who stand before me, there will come a time when all must choose where their allegiance lies. I will not expect you all to step forward and tell me whom you plan to fight with, but know this: once the Gathering of Dragonfield is upon us, I will ask. In seven months, your loyalty will be tested. In seven months, civil war will no doubt break out in Uthdore unless Sulryn is willing to negotiate. I suggest that you all begin to think about how you will decide to act. If you decide to march with Sulryn when war comes, you will be an enemy of the kingdom and will be treated as such. You have time, though, to decide what your choice will be. Seven months, my friends. Seven months.”
No one spoke. No one uttered a word as decisions that would determine the fate of the kingdom were made.
End of chapter
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140,965 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
Yay! I have another review coming in here! I think in addicted to your writings. Never have I seen so well plotted a story here! Let's get those nitpicks out of the way then is like to talk about some other things.
...As Ordyn walked to the Throne of Kings, all around him fell to their knees. No one spoke as the King walked the steps to his seat of power. ...
One of the power of editing is that we can remove repetition. Replace the same word with a more powerful synonym. Here there are too many walk in their forms. Use replacements amble? Trudge? Saunter? What do you want?
...Then, the highest-ranking Acktur’s began to rise. Ordyn’s mother, Oryn Acktur, was the next to stand....
I dislike this sentence. It is unwieldy. I would suggest the following. Then, in order of their rank, Ackturs begin to rise. The king's mother, Oryn Acktur rises last of all.
Like that better? I did!
...Sulryn campaigns for a world of evil, a world where humans are the sole masters of this land....
In such fantasy tales I prefer to use Men instead of humans, it just sounds more regal. Just a suggestion!
...In seven months, civil war will no doubt break out in Uthdore unless Sulryn is willing to negotiate. I suggest that you all begin to think about how you will decide to act. ...
What I believe the king is trying to do is to make a statement of his power. Implicit, but still a statement. He needs more assertive words.
...No one spoke as decisions that would determine the fate of the kingdom were made...
Split this into two sentences for greater impact.
This ends my review. Keep writing. Massive like!
Hi me again!
I enjoyed this one as well. Much more dialogue than before, but it still had enough description to understand what was going on in the scene. I liked how even the dialogue managed to create a tone of suspense and fear as the war was spoken of.
One error I found was this:
"As he sat, Darech and Burser were the firsts to stand."
Just removing the 's' in firsts should do it. It just didn't sound right to say 'firsts' as plural instead of a singular 'first'.
I liked how the king repeated the phrase seven months. My anticipation for the seven months grew each time it was mentioned. It put a heavy weight on the amount of time before the war. The words seemed to hold a lot more meaning than just a number of months. Reading it, I pictured what could happen in those months, and what would happen at the end. It leaves a lot of space for the reader to think and ponder about what will happen in that amount of time.
The only other thing I have to say is that the last sentence seems a bit off to me.
"No one spoke as decisions that would determine the fate of the kingdom were made."
It sounds a bit weird to me. Like at that exact moment decisions were made. I feel like it the sentence could sound like:
"No one spoke. The fate of the kingdom was about to be decided."
or
"No one spoke. The kingdom's fate was going to be decided."
That sentence in the past tense doesn't seem right to me. I feel like if the sentence was put in future tense it would create more suspense and anticipation. It makes the reader think of the future and want to read on to see what's going to happen next. Of course this is your work and the rest of it is great!
This book is going great. Keep going! I can clearly see the strength and power the king wields in this chapter. Its very nicely written and the dialogue adds to the personality of the character and their demeanor.
Love it!