Yellow beams bleed through the
sky brightening the somber day
as the pinnacle of the galaxies treasuries
exuberates its warmth upon my skin,
I gaze into the distance with an elongated smile,
Lost in the winds summer mist, the morning dew
projects a twinkle in the corner of my eyes,
My beautiful fantasy blooms the flower submerged
inside the darkness of my confined heart,
What would I do without you my sunrise?
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Canary word: Present
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I love how this is structured! The line breaks have the perfect effect on the reader to make them pause for just a second before moving on, which allows the reader to truly process the line. However, because I'm a stickler for grammar, I think you used the plural form of galaxy instead of the possessive. I think you were looking for "galaxy's" or "galaxies'." I loved the poem overall though! Great work!
Radrook here to offer a review concerning this poem which describes how a person feels about another. I enjoyed reading the imagery of sunlight flowers and galaxies. It very effectively conveys the importance that this other person has in the speaker's life.You stayed within the present tense throughout which is good. Very impressive. You have a great future ahead of you as a writer is the impression I get.
Suggestions
Please note that I recognize the poet’s right to ignore all punctuation as a stylistic choice. But as a reviewer I have to decide whether such a choice enhances or reduces readability. In this case I feel that punctuation would enhance readability. So based on that conviction, I provide the suggestions below.
....upon my skin[.]
I gaze into the distance with an elongated smile,
[l]ost in the wind[’]s summer mist[.] [T]he morning dew
projects a twinkle in the corner[s] of my eyes[.]
....my confined heart[.]
What would I do without you[,] my sunrise?
Other choices besides "elongated".
Examples:
welcoming smile
brotherly smile
paternal smile
motherly smile
broad smile
wide smile
burgeoning smile
infinite smile
victorious smile
understanding smile
Mona Lisa smile
Cheshire Cat smile
benevolent smile
sisterly smile
appreciative smile
wide, grateful smile
ancient smile
contented smile
blissful smile
broad, triumphant smile
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks so much for the review and the donation. I will definitely incorporate these changes
Hiya!
Temptress here to give a review!
First of all i'd like to say is I can relate to this and I enjoyed it a lot.
So the main thing I noticed was word choice, a lot of the words you used many people will not know the definition of without a dictionary. But that's okay. It makes the poem somewhat deeper.
Next, I noticed lack of punctuation. But then again that may because you made all of this into somewhat of a paragraph form. So that may be the reason why.
Like I said, I enjoyed this very much. Keep up the good work.
Until next time!
~Temptress~
Thanks so much. My lack of punctuation was out of fear of not creating a consistent flow since it didn%u2019t really have a rhyme scheme but I%u2019ll definitely input more in
I don't know why my reply glitched like this lmao. I will add more punctuations
You're welcome and I completely understand that.
And it's okie!