Hello,
I think you do a really good job of commanding the different biblical references and symbols you incorporate into your poem here. I think you definitely have an understanding of how they all fit together, and that comes across in the poem.
In the second line, I would consider changing "I am" to "I'm". There's a reason that people began contracting the words together; it's because moving sound-wise from the vowel of I to the vowel a in am creates a bit of time to pronounce correctly which kind of trips up the flow of your poem. Plus, it just sounds a little too formal right after "Cut the bullshit".
Another thing I would have you look at is your sixth line, which is so much longer than the others. It also feels like too much when reading it, so whether your intentions are for this to be a page poem or spoken, this line is throwing the poem off a little bit. I'd consider shortening the line to keep it around the same length as the other lines, or breaking it into two lines and foregoing the rhyming scheme entirely, whichever option is easier.
You use 'evaporated' twice; I wasn't sure if that was intentional so I thought I'd point it out.
You have a lot of good word choices in this; your verbs especially are strong, which is wonderful. I especially loved "My mentality fried". I thought it carried with it some lovely imagery and was a really strong word choice for getting your point across.
Hope this review helped! : )
-tgirly
Points: 14732
Reviews: 370
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