Young Writers Society

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, first thing I notice is that well, I think most things were covered by others and like the others, I just LOVED the line "void, unveiled of veneer;" It just mixed so well together and it is so much fun to say aloud to ones self! The flow was terrific too.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you know some who you love talking to. You like their little quirks and things alike. You like the fact that they are themselves. You have no explanation and that is perfectly fine! Just his presence can make your day and his voice is comforting to you, no?

Overall I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review!

Personally, I like this kind of poem. It's short, therefore making the reader focuses on each word more than say, 15-stanzas poem that's capable to be a flash fiction. It's easy to review too since, in my opinion, short poem like this delivers the message more tightly and powerfully.

i take delight
in his
misspellings, his
dismissal of dots 'n' dashes

i find comfort
in the full/fill-terless/ness
of his first thoughts
of things

i learn
to listen, to lean to
his voice
void, unveiled of veneer; but

i wonder
when will he with mine?

oooh wordy

Very simple. The idea comes across very clearly, and the repetition in each line provides a strong thread to follow. "i take delight","i find comfort","i learn","i wonder".

Also, what do these words mean?
Fullterless
Fillterless
Fullterness
Fillterness

Hey Jash! I thought this poem was cute, but still had some depth to it. You capture those little peculiarities in language that we are often attentive to coming from the ones that we love. I agree with Lumi that the word "mine" being capitalized just seems misplaced in this, because the capital letter ends up disrupting the flow of that line, and making me pause and go back and wonder for 5 seconds why it's capitalized rather than just finishing reading and appreciating the poem. It might be cool to add bits of texting lingo or language in the piece like actual dashes or ellipses, or even abbreviations like "w/" or "2" rather than "to" but that also runs of risk of looking gimmicky.

I sort of liked the line with the back-slashes because although it was clunk with the flow of the line, it did add meaning to the words and felt like it worked within the scope of the piece. A favorite set of lines would be, "his voice / void, unveiled of veneer; but" -- nice instrumental use of line breaks and really great consonance too. "Unveiled of veneer" is just like a great word combo. Actually I'm now noticing you utilized this in the other stanzas as well, with the "-is" sound in the first, the "f" and "th" sounds in the second and "l" in the third and then "w" in the last. It was subtle enough that it didn't jump out on a first reading, but certainly helped the overall flow and sound of the poem as whole too. I wish some of the lines were more even, but at the same time I wonder if for a poem about texting (which is often choppy, back & forth, & casual) maybe the lack of even lines and sort of choppy flow plays into the themes a bit, and can be instrumental in showing the lack of connection or presence of this separation between the narrator and the person they're texting.

Overall, I have to say I like that you were able to build a narrative, a conflict, and give some emotional connection all in the span of a few really short lines. Nicely done!

~alliyah

Jaaaaaaaash! I read over this a couple of times yesterday and quite frankly didn't find much appeal in it; however, going back for fourth/fifth reads and gaining gravity with techniques that were not clever at first gave me an appreciation. So let's talk about that, and how we can draw it out more immediately.

Stanza one summarized is that your boy is cute when he's tired because he misspells and leaves out punctuation and general grammar. I'll give it to you, late night texting is cute when sleep schedules aren't screwy already. I'm unsure of the flow here. Two-syllable lines don't usually cut a flow mid-stanza, and they're not particularly doing it here? Give me an example of this spoken aloud and prove me wrong because I can make it work for me, but it takes going extremely slowly.

Stanza two is where my appreciation stuck IN SPITE of the clunky and just unnecessarily difficult wordplay on fulfilled / filtered / bastardized-unfiltered / unfiltered-ness. That word play turned me off every single time, Jash, and even now it's difficult to get by. But the sentiment of having unfiltered thoughts is good and nice. Find a better way to deliver.

At this point you've repeated your stanza structure of "i blank his blank." It is old, but easily remedied. Simply reformat the structure of the stanza's sentences to show that things happen without you making it all about you making it all about him making it all about you. Like looking into the navel of a crystal gem.

i learn
to listen, to lean to
his voice
void, unveiled of veneer; but

i wonder
when
will he with Mine

The honesty in these words. I love that I can actually relate. Falling in love and seeing them as perfect in their imperfections and only being able to hope they see the same? At least that's how i see it. Please don't take it too hard! I'm very critical and I push very hard for a person's best. In poetry, spelling, grammar and punctuation aren't really a big bother and so my only thoughts were to capitalize your "i"s
I love how this pushes the reader into reality. Thinking about how things actually are in our everyday life. I'm happy to have come across your work and I'm happy to keep reading! Keep up the good work.

I want to start out by saying that I really like the style of this poem, and they way it matches with the characters and what's being said.
I tried to play around with the form a little bit but decided that the way you have it written is great. I have only 2 nitpicks.

First, I found the line: void, unveiled of veneer;
a little awkward.
I think saying: Void of veneer;
would be a little better, BUT that's just a nitpick.

The last line had me stumped, I couldn't really tell what she was saying at first, but when I did I really really liked it. I would however suggest an edit like this:

i wonder,
when will he
with Mine?

Simply so that the idea is communicated a little more clearly.

That's it!

My final thoughts are this:

Even without the edits I suggested, this is a great poem. The way you brought together the style, with what's being said was unique, and very enjoyable to read.

Keep writing!!