Jash and Kagi's entry for the Poetry Pair Contest.
My parents say I've issues;
____they tend to just get mad
Let’s see 'em walk in my shoes!
____- and feel these teenage fads!
They always complain 'bout the choices I make,
____'bout how repulsive I can be,
________'bout my six wanted innate mistakes,
____________and 'bout my fashion impulsivity
They ask me:
____"Why, dear, why?
________are you like a roller coaster ride?
____We always try to get a grip,
________but we fail to chase your mind!
____"Yesterday, you stayed in your room
____Today, you’re loud and noisy.
____A minute ago, you held a broom.
____Now, you’re throwing wrappers of candy.”
____“Thanks for leaving me alone yesterday.
____Today I need your company.
____A minute ago I wanted to show loyalty.
____Now,” – I cough – “my liberty!
____“Teen mood swings, I guess, are inexplicable.
________Wait!
____________maybe chemicals," I say.
________“Yes, Doctors would say chemicals.
____But demons, Religions would state.”
____“But fret not!
________I'm not alone.
________People my age understand and know.
____I wonder why you don’t?
________since you’ve been this young before!
____“Though I have to admit:
________At times, I think I've got it figured out.
____I said 'think', not 'know'.
____So I better just shut my mouth . . .”
________________Or not?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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....................should I comment on this, since the deadline has passed already?
I understand why you used the 'bout abbreviation--rhythm, right? Though those lines seem a bit wordy. And this part confused me:
Wanted innate mistakes? What?
Guh, my brain is so tired. Anyway, I just wanted to review something of yours, so I did. Goodnight.
Oh, and I like the poem. Very nice.
Hi there
Wow, it's going to be hard to judge the winner for this contest, there are so many amazing poems here.
I really like this one.
The form you took on is very risky and difficult to pull off, incorporating so much dialogue into the poem, but you pull it off seamlessly. That shows a lot of skill.
Good job.
Hi there
Wow, it's going to be hard to judge the winner for this contest, there are so many amazing poems here.
I really like this one.
The form you took on is very risky and difficult to pull off, incorporating so much dialogue into the poem, but you pull it off seamlessly. That shows a lot of skill.
Good job.
Thanks for the comments guys! I'm waiting for my partner to edit her part. xD
Great poem
When reading it couldn’t stop laughing.
It flows nicely. Its realistic and I definitely
Can relate to some of the stuff your poem mentioned
This was definitely my favorite part
Fantastic job
keep up the great work
#8040BF ">-love2read-
This is good. It's realistic and still nice. I give it two thumbs up.
I LOVE THE CHEMICAL VERSE! *cries*
Bahaha... I know, I know. yous was better. XD We'll fix the rhyming, then you add the "they say I'm beautiful as who I am" stuff... got it, babe?
I can't believe we're featured. B-)
Yeah Jash,
My first look over I think we should get rid of the chemicals verse, its far too confusing at first glance.
Sorry for being honest.
But uh the rest I like. You did a good job, Maybe re~write that chemicals verse?
Yeah, demeter my version is so much better huh?! Tch..Joke, well done Jashie. Its awesome. I love it.
Make those changes maybe and it'll be awesomer.
Thanks babe
Thanks, Whisperer! Haha... It's a relief that the deadline was moved to April 5, and Kaka and I can still edit it.
Hello.
(Uh...I don't know what else to say to begin this review. 
)
Nitpicks:
- Comma after 'Today'
- Comma after 'ago'.
- I don't think we're supposed to use a question mark after a 'wondering' statement.
- These parts confuse me, like they don't make sense. >.< I think it's the wording. Please rewrite.
I like it. it's realistic. And I like the rhyming too. ^_^
Anyway, good luck on the contest!
I didn't know Demeter! I was just browsing the WRFF for someone who was reviewing poetry! I'm so sorry. =((
I was the one who edited it. Kaka wrote the poem. I knew she had to edit it too before we pass it, but we were out of time. xD
Hey, Jash/Kaka! I'm here because you posted on my WRFF thread -- but I'm not actually sure if I should be here, since I'm a judge for this contest. xD Well, I suppose I can say a few words in general, anyway.
I wish you two the best of luck in the contest, and I hope I haven't done any serious rule-breaking even if I reviewed your poem... 
I have to say I actually kind of understood the first draft better. I mean, granted, the edited version is more detailed and descriptive, but at times it got very difficult to follow. I wasn't always sure whether it was the kid or the parents speaking. I liked the fact that you had decided to use rhymes, because -- I feel like I say this all the time, but anyway -- I think humourous poems and rhymes is a match made in heaven. However, at some points the rhyming was a bit off, and some words were too obviously needed just for the rhyme. Also, one "detailed" thing I have to say is that the "'bout" instead of "about" in the second stanza kind of threw me off. i couldn't figure out any specific reason why you just didn't write the whole word.
I suggest you try and fix at least the rhythm, so that each line would be somewhat of the same length, so that you read it out loud, it flows nicely and doesn't sound awkward.
Demeter
x
hey... first of all, Best of luck for the competition... I'm also taking part with Lava...
Now for the poem.. Firstly-awesome!!! it was brilliant and so funny that i tears were out of my eyes... It is a really good piece and the flow was so smooth and gentle that it felt like a song with good music... keep it up... You've both done a great job:)
Thanks, girl! XD Kaka thought of that theme... I wanted to be serious, but she wanted to be funny. I guess it worked!
haha, I found it really funny, yet true. I too will never understand why parents don't understand why teens have sudden mood swings (and what they were feeling at the time),when they had them themselves then they were younger! I really liked it, especially the ending *laughs* Great work