So, I wrote a poem last year, lemme guys know what you think.
(and yeah, one thing...I put melody to it...so, yeah...you can listen to it while reading. )
HEre's the link to youtube:
{C}http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPapmaxn5R0{C} )
Hope you like it. )
====================
Oh, Emily, lIved a reclusive way of life
Did anyone see the woman behind your seclusive smile?
Oh, Emily, you had peace in your isolated world
And sanity though your loneliness depth was untold
Would he have been caught off guard?
To know you gave him your precious heart?
Oh, Emily, were four moments enough?
To make you feel a score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily, you said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, you're Emily Dickinson
Oh, Emily, a simple life within a shell
Serenity and tranquil days had been never felled
Oh, Emily, your pen had been your sacred company
Solemnity touched your intrinsic profundity
He never knew the intensity
Of your concealed fidelity
Oh, Emily, were four moments enough?
To make you feel a score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily, you said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, you're Emily Dickinson
You believed he was still out there
Somewhere in silence
You'd tended flowers
For his blessed absence
Oh, Emily...
Apparently, four moments were enough
To make you feel a score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily, you said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, you're Emily Dickinson!
Oh, Emily, you didn't have to feel that way
Destiny of love does need to wait
But you should have just forgotten the face he left amid your loneliness
And decked your heart with joy and gladness
Instead you envied the seas he rode on
Well that's just you!
You're Emily Dickinson
You're Emily Dickinson
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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JUNE 2012 UPDATE:
Now available on iTunes! Link:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/emily- ... d531949851
Watch the Officialy Lyric Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh0guzv ... r_embedded
Hey, I thought this was really well done. The melody you put to the words was really pretty and worked very well. The word choices were powerful and I think the repetition of Emily/Emily Dickinson was fine.
Hello, Carly,
It is seldom known that Emily Dickinson loved a certain man for twenty years! (The man is a mystery though.)
And it's quite weird for Emily to love a man she saw for four times.
And yes, I made sure that none of the lines in the song is irrelevant.
BTW, thank you very much for posting a review. And thanks for the compliments.
First of all, I just want to say you have a Great voice and I loved the video of you playing it
Nit-picks:
The rhyme of reclusive and seclusive bothers me. I think it's too rhymey. I think reclusive should stay because I know Emily Dickinson was a recluse but I think you could think of other words than "seclusive" that would still work and sound good.
I thought she was sort of insane because she was alone all the time. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
I like the second line even though I'm not completely sure what it's saying
Is this significant in some way? Why four moments?
I would try and rephrase this and get ride of one of the "of"s
Who is he?
I don't really care for the last line. It just seems kind of unnecessary to me. We know you're talking about Emily Dickinson because of the repetition of "Oh Emily". I kind of feel like you didn't know what else to put there so you just threw that line in.
Whoa! So many big words.
This stanza doesn't really make sense to me. Again, I don't know who "he" is. Is he dead? Is that why she's tending flowers for his absence?
I feel like this should be two lines instead of one big long one. None of your other lines are this long.
Overall I thought it was pretty good. I've never heard a song about Emily Dickinson before.
PM me if you have any questions or need anything!
-Carly