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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello agian! So, to start of, there are many things I like about this, and also many things I think can be chaged to make this better... So, here goes, of to my nit-picking-party!
So, I pointed out what I think can change, heres what I liked. I like this beginning, and I really like the last two lines.
Okay, so, this aplys to the WHOLE poem, I think you should add puncuation, you have question marks, but not other puncuation, this makes it harder to read.
Agian, I like the last two lines.
So, with a little fixing up, I think this would be a really good stanza. About the first comment above, you are saying that the wasp is thinking about trying to escape the gueen, but you don't go into it anywhere else in the poem, that is wh yI think you should change it, becuase what I suggested you change it to fits the poem better, in my opinion, like i said, you can ignore it if you wish.(:
So, this is a good stanza, I just dont get the last two lines...
So I like this whole stanza, other then the pointed out, I like that you convayed your agrivation without strait out saying "Im agrivated" (pardon my spelling, I have no spellcheck what so ever, and am suck at spelling...) I like the third line, because it really shows how annoyed you are, I have been like that a lot, wanting to yell at something that is like that wasp.(:
So this is good, other then that the lines are choppy and that kinda messes up the flow, puncuation can help with that a little...
Love this stanza too, shows how your feelings have changed some what trouds the wasp. (Also ties i to what i mensioned earlier about stanza three.
This is my second favroite part of the poem.
I guess this is a good ending, works well, but I don't see why you want the wasp to come back if it was so annoying. Oh well...
So, Over all, I like this poem, with some changes and fixes it will be wonderful! Also, I think it would help jsut a bit to mension the setting in the body of the poem, I get that it is in a bathroom, but only because of the spioler, with out it, we would have to guess, which if we guess wrong, takes away from the whole poem...
Hope this helps, sorry it was so long, I just had a lot to say,
~Rain~
Thank you very much for the review.
I would just like to say that none of the lines in poetry are irrelevant. "Ring the bell" was very relevant. You see, the person couldn't see why the wasp has to sting him. Either of the possible reasons seemed "unfair". But I'll try to think of something better.
Thanks again for taking the time to review this. Have a nice day!
Hey, Jash. Since you said in your notes before the poem that you were too lazy to edit again, I didn't see the point in giving you my typically in-depth shtick about grammar and punctuation and making things shine. In fact, this is a humorous, light poem that doesn't really demand the need to be taken seriously. However, there's something very crucial that I need to address, and it's a bothersome trick that I see in beginning poets (and sometimes weathered poets) all the time:
For the sake of a rhyme and meter, here, you throw in a phrase that makes no sense whatsoever. Now, this is fine in elementary school, and maybe your English teacher thought it was cute and all, but I don't. I'm here to make you better, so this has to change. There was another instance just like this:
This isn't as bad as the first because it can be read into as "Oh, the wasp will die. Hurrayyyyy!" However, try, please, to think of a better way to say it.
All-in-all, it's funny at times, it's light, but it is poetry. Your meter was constant enough and your rhyme scheme was decent, so there's nothing to mention there. The other two reviewers called it annoying, but I disagree. I don't think anyone reading a poem entitled The Whimsical Wasp should expect anything serious. But that's just my opinion.
Please apply what I've mentioned and keep writing in the face of your worst critic.
-Lumi
LOL...thanks for the reviews anyway.
I'm sorry to say this but I think this poem is a bit annoying. Try to read it out loud and you might find it's a little annoying.
Anyway write more because practice makes prefect.
Everyone can write if they try very hard.
Keep writing no matter what happens,
Alicia.
This was an annoying poem, then I read the spoiler and well, that's just awful. How were we supposed to know that it's a bathroom? I imagined the kitchen, atleast. You should really take out a lot of the repeated words, and unnessesary ones. Those would be all the adjectives and words that are OVER describing the situation and it just becomes rather tedius to read.
And I don't want to go back and re read that, so I will end it there. Sorry for giving you a lazy review.
Anyways, good luck, keep writing.
silented1.