Pain was hidden in the palms of his hands. It seeped out, dripping onto her skin every time she said something wrong. Novas exploded in her head whenever he started, but she took herself to another place where his hands could not curl into fists and his words weren't jagged. She allowed herself to disassociate, to become someone else for a while, until the novas burned themselves out and nothing but embers were left. When the volcano finished erupting, she would clean herself of the vivid red lava it left behind. She would pick up the table that was knocked over, limp to the kitchen and get the broom to clean the shattered glass on the floor. Sometimes, afterwards, she would trace flowers with her fingertips onto her stained skin, letting the roses bloom after the bruises did.
He raised his hand and she flinched back, already bowing her head, already taking the blame. His fist knocked out a porcelain tooth and she tasted metal in her mouth. She didn't even remember what she had done; maybe he hadn't liked the way dinner was arranged on the table or the coffee was too sweet. It didn't matter though, those were just excuses.
She had her excuses too, pulled them out of a magician's hat whenever that little rational voice in her head opened her big mouth. Why are you with him? Why don't you leave? Fear seizes up in her at the thought of leaving and she spits back lies, He doesn't mean it. He promised it wouldn't happen again. He loves me. She is Alice in Winterland, tumbling down the rabbit hole, losing bits and pieces of herself on the way.
She knew when to worry, when to go to the bedroom and put on a large, thick sweater to soften the blows. Either he'd come in late, smelling of liquor, his eyes ugly, blood-shot red or he'd come too early, his face blank as he held either the credit card bill or the crumpled "Does he hit you?" pamphlet her doctor gave her after seeing all the art he painted on her body. He would look at her with those eyes and wait a couple of seconds, only a couple of seconds, tick-tock-tick, before his face twisted into a grimace and his hands became claws.
She wasn't always so fragile, so delicate. At one point, maybe when it first started, she would yell back, hit back, push him against the wall and let her bunny-rabbit paws thump against his chest. He would get angrier and the house would shake with their screams. Once, he slapped her hard on the face and she fell to the floor, her cool fingers pressed against her cheek, warm with pain. She stood and watched stars burst in her eyes, stumbled like a drunk, before she grabbed her favorite porcelain vase and threw it at his head. A crash, then a thud and shattered glass sang from the floor. Blood dyed his hair a dark red and his eyes closed, once, twice, before staying shut. She screamed, the loudest of that night, and ran to the kitchen, filling a bowl of water, before rushing back and pouring it on his face. Her heart was electrically fast, thumping in her chest, a pulse beat that he might not have. Slowly though, he woke and the look on his face, like he was a child, like he needed her, was enough to make her stay.
He stopped seeing her after a while and began seeing all his mistakes and fears and dreams that were tied down too loosely and slipped out of his fingers like fog. He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, let that memory break like a favorite vase; you could glue it back together, but it was hard not to notice the cracks.
He was a fire-breathing dragon, blind with rage and she, a peasant girl lost in the forest. She hid in the briar bush, waiting for him to hibernate for Summer. It's a shame that in his world, Winter never ends.
~*~
I know it's short but let's pretend it's a prologue or something. I'm not sure whether to expand on this or just let it die. Comments are appreciated. 
Also: Let's all pretend that dragons hibernate in summer, alright? Also, if anyone could think of something better than Winterland, that might involve domestic abuse or the cold, I'd appreciate it. 
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hello there, I'm here as requested!
The only thing is the guy could be detailed a little better, but considering this is a short story, and that the characterization for the MC is really good, I won't be to harsh.
Plot wise this was really good. The idea is a little bit cliche, since it's always the girl that gets beaten up, and somehow she never wants to leave. I read yesterday and article on women abusing their husband, and I felt like this is really something, since we always talk about the pour women that get abused and stuff, but the men, most people don't even know. So this is really not the good time to make me read this, since all I can think is how cliche it is.
That apart, I love the way you've express this story, it made it feel so much more emotional and touching.
Characters are elaborate, which is a must for me, so good job.
All in all, everything is pretty good. Details are there, characterization is there, plot seems fine, the imagery is definitely there...
I'm sorry for the short review, but I think with all the reviews you had and the time to edit, you definitely had enough to perfection it... So there's not much for me to say here.
Keep up the good work!
-Other One
Hey, it's Stevie here from the Red Ink Emporium. I've got your review fresh off the press for you right here:
Let me start by saying that you have the most fantastic imagery I have read in a long time. I loved how some bits were real and some were imaginative versions of it, like how one might think of imaginary worlds when in a terrible situation. It really suited the piece overall, but in some places there was a bit of confusion.
The first paragraph is what confused me most of all, once I got through it I understood what it was saying, but during it I felt a little loss. I liked your first sentence. It really begged the right questions to be asked. And the second sentence elaborated on it, allowing for some questions to be answered and still more to be asked. It's the third sentence where I really got lost, mostly at the mention of Novas. Now there are two ways I can think to fix this: 1. Change Novas to something else, or 2. (my personal favorite) start that volcano metaphor here. Speaking of which, fantastic use of the volcano metaphor and you ended the paragraph beautifully with the painting of roses.
With the second and continuing paragraphs we really need to step back a second, I thought we were done with the hitting and she was cleaning up? Are we having a flashback or have we moved to another instance? In the piece overall, I think it would be best to stick to one instance in chronological order... so I'd imagine this paragraph best be moved to somewhere in the first. Other than that, the second paragraph was done well.
The third paragraph is lovely, the Alice in Winterland sentence is a nice contrast to the first paragraph's volcano. The fourth paragraph was a bit confusing again. I think it's mostly because of misplacement though. I think it would be best to reword it and have this be the start of it, put somewhere between the second and third sentence of the first paragraph.
The fifth paragraph would best be put some place after the first hit then when she hits him with the vase be moved towards the end, and again nothing else needs to be said. I loved how it showed that she's changed a lot since they first met. Also, I thought they were in the kitchen?
The sixth paragraph is probably the only one I think you should ditch, it's just as lovely as all the rest, however, it breaks from her perspective a bit. I like what it says but I think you could choose a better place for it where it could serve a better purpose.
Lastly, I loved the last paragraph and all I have to say about it is grammar related. "It's a shame that in his world winter never ends."
Overall the piece is fantastic. I loved the imagery and seeing bits and pieces of the main character's mind. My only piece of advice is that you should change the order around for some of the events, for clarity and better impact. What I like best is how a lot of the metaphor's relating to her involve ice while his involve some sort of fire. I think during your revisions you should definitely keep this difference as it's impacting and lovely and a great view of the relationship.
Keep writing and thank you for choosing Red Ink Emporium for all your reviewing needs. :]
Hey,
Sorry it took me a while to get to this, but thank you for requesting a review! Wow, it looks like you have alot of good reviews here; I'll try not to be redundant, but that'll be hard. Now on to the meat of the review: I like this as a prologue, but nothing more because of all the entwined detail and things. I didn't find any grammatical mistakes, so pardon me if this review is a little short. If you need another review or have any questions feel free to ask
Have a great day,
Tiffany
Hey Jasmine! Here is the review that you requested.
This was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. Abuse, no matter what form it takes, is hard to read about, but it is reality for far too many people.
I had to read this a couple of times before I really understood what was going on. I was confused about what was literal and what wasn't, but when I caught on, it all fit together well. The imagery was very strong throughout the entire piece. It was almost too much, though. I would be very careful about how much description you have if you decide to add to this, or people will skim over the piece to avoid it.
I love the last paragraph, especially the final sentence. Describing the man as a dragon suited the situation perfectly. It left me wondering what happened after this ended. Did she stay with him, or did she work up the courage to leave?
As for your question about expanding or not, I am of two minds. Part of me would like to see it left as it is, but another part wants to have more. It this were to be expanded, though, I would not go too far. This would work as the beginning of a short story, but I think anything too long would either:
1. Seem weak in comparison with this piece, or
2. Become too heavy if the same amount of description is continued.
Changing this into a poem would be possible also. It might be the best idea (in my mind, at least) because you could keep more of your imagery than if you left this as a story. I know it isn't a very clear answer, but I really don't know which direction to go with this.
I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions or comments, let me know.
Alz
Hello Jasmine!
It seems that you have lots of good critiques before me, so I hope you don't mind if I repeated something here. I haven't really read every review here. Just skimmed the page. And also, thanks for the request.
I think you have a very good introduction. I liked how you tend to compare two things (like rage to nova explosion) however, everything seemed to appear inconsistent and a bit choppy in some places. The first paragraph contained beautiful imageries, then after that, you went being more concrete to the scene. You have described the abuse and this was the time personal views and character's opinion started to spring up. It was like the story's getting less and less abstract as we read all the way to the end. Which goes to my second point that you used imageries again.
I hope you understand anything I'm blabbering about. But I'll give you a short summary from the above initial impression:
First part - imagery.
Middle part - getting less on imagery
Last part - imagery
You see what I mean?
Second of all, I think you can still expand on your characters, especially the man. He seemed to alter his personality. He was abusive then just after a few matter of seconds.... boom. He stopped. I think it has something to do on your imagery too. It divided the bridge between your story and your reader's reaction. You want us to sympathize perhaps for your abused character, but the imagery lessened the effect.
Third, the story looked like just an ordinary "abuse" story we see on television or books. Nonetheless, you have a good twist. I loved the concept of the way you included Alice in Wonderland and contrasted it in your character's situation, so it turned out to be Winterland. Good job at that.
Overall, this story is good but it could be great. This review is entirely based on my opinions so let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing.
Peace out,
Yuri
Yo, Jas. So this piece came at me in two waves. At first, I didn’t think much of it because it seems like just another abuse short story; however, you struck a motif halfway through regarding Alice in Wonderland, and I want to presume that this piece has much potential. In fact, I do want to see it expanded, and I want to see you paint over the cliché situation of abuse (as awful as that is to say) a lot more.
The fact of the matter is that, as it stands, this piece doesn’t bring very much fresh meat to the reader, and that’s what the reader wants. Of course, I’m a native to the poetry forums and hardly ever leave said forums, so my opinion is pretty heavily biased.
What my intuition tells me to do for this piece is to turn it on its head, and take it in one of two ways:
Route One: The Metaphor
Consider the power of this piece as a reader must crack it open. There’s a major difference between having words laid on your tongue as opposed to having to dig for them. My theory is that if you take this story, this abuse and agony, and you pack it into a metaphor as tightly as you can, your power will increase, along with your literary value. Keep in mind, though, that this would completely change your angle of approach—you would be dodging purple prose and doctoring up your images to be surreal, but judging by your prowess I’ve seen, you’re more than capable.
In order for this method to really work, you’d want to dodge out of bland phrases such as
and
because there’s nothing fresh there except for your syntax. And syntax can only take you so far in freshening up an overused (and might I say abused) topic. And even if you don’t take this route, I want to suggest freshening up those bits.
Route Two: Subtlety
On the other end of the spectrum is the idea that you take all of this abuse all at once and lose your power because it’s essentially a dump of hard-to-swallow information that may make the reader sad, may make the reader bored; either way, it’s a bit much, and subtlety can’t really be preached enough in modern literature.
My favorite thing to do while reading a novel is to be able to formulate my own ideas about the plot before it happens, and when you have a full-on blast like this, you can’t really do that. I’d hazard a guess in saying that you feel the same way, so by this route, I suggest expanding and diluting. You’re a fantastic writer, so I want to see you flourish, obviously.
Your last two paragraphs in particular are a taste more unique than the others, basically because they’re purple reflections on what the first two paragraphs said; however, they also verge on rambling. So while I appreciate metaphors and poetic elements in fiction, be cautious that they don’t end up choking your power out.
So here’s a pretty lame review since I’m not that great with fiction critiques (but don’t you dare tell a soul). If you have more specific questions, I’ll be glad to add more to this/replace.
-Lumi
In this piece, I can understand what you are trying to portray, but it simply does not come across with the best imagery. Perhaps it's the wording that needs a few nips and tucks.
Otherwise, the rest is flawless and beautiful. I was completely in love with it until it ended. Then, I got sad because I wanted more.
Hey Jas!
There's not much left for me to say that's very constructive, seeing as a lot of other reviewers have given great reviews, so I'm just going to highlight a few things that I agree with.
I loved the way you used the imagery. It was beautiful, even if it was describing a horrible thing or scene. I just think, like others have said, the imagery in the first paragraph is too in your face and detailed. It could stand to be broken up a bit. I don't want you to lose any of it though. Maybe just break it up with less imagery filled sentences.
This was a sad story and it's the sort of thing that has been written about a lot, but your story is a little more original thanks to the imagery and the fact that you give details into the relationship. Sometimes, the reader isn't given any insight into why or how the abuse started, but here, you give us some small details that help us to delve further into the story.
I think the thought process of the MC was good - it allowed us to see that she blames herself for what's happening, even though she's wrong to. We could see how much she really loved him and that it was her love for him that was stopping her from seeing the truth. I could sympathise with her and I really wanted to jump into the story and rescue her.
I think, if you're willing to, you could expand on this. I would read on
I hope this helps!
xDudettex
Hi Jassy! ^^ Here to review as requested. With a minor problem. You have two pages of reviews already so I have no idea how useful or long this will be. xD All of my apologies and what-not in advance.
First of all, I'm going to say that I really did like this. It was really short, but honestly, something like this that goes on for pages and pages just seems sluggish and draggy. You've gotten to your point in a short amount of time, so you don't necessarily need to pull it out a dozen more paragraphs.
The writing was beautifully done, and I like how you were able to show us the minds of both characters rather than just the victim. I have nothing to say on that topic other than that it was very well-done.
You wanted to know if you should expand on this, and I'm not quite sure where I stand on that. On one hand, it could make for a very interesting plot. Like you said, think of it as a prologue - there could be something spun of it that could become a novel or a novella. But, abuse is a very over-used topic, so if you did make it into a novel, it would have to have another twist to it to make it original. On the other hand, the piece is beautifully written and told as it is. It doesn't need more chapters to line up to it to speak to a reader, though there are a lot of different things that you could do with it.
Heck, if you work with this the right way, you could probably turn it into a poem. xD
So go with whatever you want.
Sorry if the review was repetitive and/or not that helpful. xD
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Hi, here to review, as requested!
It looks like you've got some great input already, so I guess this'll be short. Also, I haven't read all of the reviews, so I apologize if I mention something twice.
Like someone else, I was initially somewhat confused by what was going on, but I eventually did figure it out. I think part of the problem is that even though the imagery you use is great, it doesn't necessarily form a coherent picture. Also, the imagery is different than one might expect. Neither of these things are necessarily bad.
In regards to the second comment, you use passive in the first sentence and then 'seeping' and 'dripping' in the second, and none of those things connote the sort of things one expects from violence. Makes me think of faucets leaking, which is an interesting take on pain, for sure... but then you go into novas exploding, two things (novas and exploding) that are violent, loud, full of color more along the lines of the firework imagery one usually gets. So it's this strange mix of hauntingly unusual combined with vibrance and the effect is a bit confusing. But, not necessarily in a bad way.
As Snoink mentioned, the piece is hovering in this weird state between too abstract and not abstract enough. It needs to go one way or another. Is it more about the images and the different ways of conceptualizing pain and violence and relationships? Or do you really want to focus in on this particular girl? Is it any girl who could be in this situation, thinking of pain leaking and seeping, or just her?
I couldn't say for sure what to do next, so I guess I'll give you some things to consider... You could make all the images fit together thematically or in some other way, focusing on one central theme and branching off. Or, you could continue with the clashing images and make that work for you to impart something to the reader. You could make it wildly abstract or you could reign it back in (in which case you'd probably want to go for the more cohesive set of images.)
Regardless, consider your intention for the piece and what you want it to do, and weed through all your comments here to see which of 'em will steer you toward having the bit of writing you want to have.
Lots of interesting ideas here, Jas. Let me know if you have any questions!
Rach
Please please please please PLEASE don't just let this die! This is far too amazing to let go! As you can see by the multitude of reviews you've gotten here! Oh my, I just love everything about this story! Where do I begin?...
). This story is just full of great words and great images too. I like the whole theme of submission and release to the way things are too. It adds to the character of the narrator here. You've really done a fantastic job here, and you have a lot of talent.
I love love love the image of pulling excuses out of a magicians hat. I can totally see that tragic setting of an abusive relationship that she just won't leave. She's fooling herself into thinking that everything is going to work out. *sniff* It makes me cry sometimes.
I like the image of the dragon too (and yes I'm sure they hibernate in winter, haha
I don't think there's anything to say that hasn't already been picked up, but keep up the good work, and if you ever need another review or advice, or kind word, or all that jazz, just drop me a line and I'd be happy to oblige.
- SOCKS
One hot, delicious, made-to-order review coming right up!
Spoiler
All in all, this looks great. However, the name "Winterland" makes me think that it's a poem about the holidays, quite honestly. Thoughts? Like I said, this is a FANTABULOUS piece and I think it has a lot of potential. And in response to your footnote, yes, I do think that you should continue this story. DON'T LET IT DIE! Yours, Pen
Your total for today will be $0.00! Please pull up to the second window: Editing. Thanks for eating at Drive-Thru Review!
Thanks for the reviews!
Hey,
Just wanted to say that I really liked this piece! I loved the metaphors you made; they were really vivid. It wasn't that confusing for me but I can see how it could be for other readers because you jump from image to image. Definitely continue with this; there are so many directions in which you could take this story. It could result in a final triumph against her boyfriend, or a final defeat. Anyway, just putting my two cents in, and good luck!
Everytime should be two words: every time.
You may want to italicize the first her so the reader understands that he doesn't literally stops seeing her.
Since this is a run-on sentence, you may want to have it this way: He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with, and let that memory break like a favorite piece of good china; no matter how much super-glue you use, the cracks will still be there.
Summer doesn't need to be capitalized.
This is the perfect sentence for the ending.
At the beginning, it was difficult to realize if you were talking about the boy or the girl. You may want to make it more obvious who is who.
Overall, this story is very good. There are a few places where you may want to reword some phrases, but other than that it is perfect.
Oh Mah Goshness. 14 reviews in less than 24 hours? You people are incredible! I've gotten a lot of help so far so I'm going to edit but if anyone has anything they want to comment on, go right ahead!
Hey, Jas!
So, this was a really neat piece, and I think that if you figured a few things out in terms of the story and the characters, it would definitely benefit from expansion. As a whole, this piece is well-written and grammatically sound, but because it's so short, it moves at such a fast pace and it's hard to figure out exactly what is going on, even if you read it through a few times. Right now, you've gotten your ideas down and that's good, so as you revise, try to figure out what story you want to tell.
Your first paragraph is strong, but in the end you start to loose me. Like Peanut said, is she imagining it or is it really happening to her? I'm also somewhat unsure of what the Alice in Wonderland allusions are supposed to be; is this is a retelling? Is she comparing herself to Alice for a certain reason? Since this is short and you only have two characters, you should really try to develop them as much as you could. Like Peanut said, try to make them stand out from others and into in your one. Who is the guy? What is his relationship to the narrator? What does he want from her? What is the girl like? What are her thoughts toward the end?
Another thing that you could try to do that would be good for the piece is strengthen the imagery and description used throughout. What is the significance of the winter land? What does it look like; is it just an average winter landscape or are there unusual things about it?
Overall, this is a well written piece that I can really see going far; hope this helps you! Feel free to to drop me a note if you have any questions/comments.
~ Elinor
Hi, Jas! Peanut here for a review.
This is an interesting way to start out. I like it but it doesn't seem to be the right description. Maybe hidden isn't the right word here. I'm not sure how you would reword this but to me it sounded odd.
Wow, a really long sentence. Maybe put a period after jagged and put "She allowed herself..." at the beginning of the next sentence. I felt like I was reading that all in one breath, not really pausing to let it sink in.
Semi-colon after china. And I really like this sentence(:
Down a rabbit hole. And I would make this your own say something like water hole or fishing hole instead of rabbit. Readers will still see the allusion to Alice In Wonderland but it will make more sense with your setting.
Overall:
At the end you sort of loose me, not that I got bored but it got confusing. The way I read it the setting changed, which it didn't really. Make sure that you tell that your MC is imagining it like that. She's using those descriptions to explain how she feels, how it is when he abuses her. Because I thought he was trying to drown her or something and I don't think that's what you wanted.
I think it's good for a short piece but I don't know if you should continue it. I think if you do continue it you're going to have to make it unique because stories like this are written all the time. But if you can distinguish your characters from others that have been put in this same situation you'll do great adding to this. And I think that Winterland is a good title for now. If you add onto it you might want to think about changing it, or you can keep it. It's not bad.
~peanut~
Hey Jass!
That's something I just wrote now. Here it has a big problem. If the same passage had been fitted somewhere a bit after the beginning, then maybe it wouldn't have hurt to read it, but imagining a novel/short story's start to be so complexed can be a bit bore. I'd like you to, hence, consider opening your stories with something simple, until your readers are glued to it, and then throw your balls of imagination on them. For example, imagine being invited to a house, and the moment you enter the place, the host stuffs your mouth with mouth-watering, but heavy stodge. Would it be the best thing? You'd definitely like to settle down first, breathe and then eat something. Right?Even though you've got some excellent reviews, and specially from Snoink and Silent, I'd still like to do a review for you. Since it is a short piece, I'd not have much to say.
As you yourself have said that it's short, I won't comment on that. It's your wish how long or short you want your piece to be. So, what I'd like to start rambling about is your beginning. I just thought that it was too much of imagery. I wouldn't decline the fact that you portrayed a simple thing into a thing of beauty, but it was maybe like going overboard with it. It's my rule; keep the start simple. The reasons?
1. People have just started reading your piece, and so they don't need to be bothered with things they have no idea of. Except, of course, if it's going to be explained.
2. Heavy descriptions can put off your readers. if I were to read a novel, or maybe even if you were to read a novel with the beginning as follows, then maybe you'd consider keeping back the book into a shelf, resulting in its gathering dust.
Apart from the fact, I didn't find anything. Yeah, but I'd like you to work a bit on the second paragraph. Something about it just seemed off to me. You know I am talking about the parts where you explain a bit about how his love for her had vanished totally.
Also, the first paragraph was a lot confusing. I had to read it twice to get the gist of it, and I think maybe it's my problem, but still the opening shouldn't confuse your readers so much. Just use the KISS(Keep it simple, silly) technique at some points. But don't use only that. You have to find a balance between your descriptions, imagery and dialog. And if you can do that without any flaw, then that's what writers are.
The third passage has to be the best in the whole story. I just can't say enough about the imagery you had there, how you related Alice in Wonderland's story to this story and I love comparisons like these. So, keep up the good work. I hope it;s a prologue and you have more to show us in the future.
Hope this helps,
Shrubs
Good job! Very poetic and I love the description! It just took me a second to get what was going on!
You really did a fabulous job with 'Winterland'. I don't know about others, but I think you should finish it here, its short and to the point and it's really good. I like how you've used metaphor in many places and it really makes it better, then if it was left just as a simple to-the-point sentence. So hats-off to you on that!
I really get stuck while writing the end of the story, and I think you did a fine job with it.
You've used some really long sentences in this piece, and well, sometimes they are good but sometimes they really mess up your story, so you should take care of that. I've just quoted the whole thing and marked somethings with red, that I think are needed.
There are somethings marked with blue. They represent the lines I really liked...
Hope this helps you...
Hallo, there, Jas, I'm not sure why I clicked on this, but I did and I don't regret it!
You have really great imagery. I got a bit confused at points, like the deal with the lake (for once I'm grateful for a clarified metaphor), but all in all I got your gist. It's very nice to have a piece where I can imagine a bunch of cutscenes flipping by and have them all pretty much make sense.
As for the general feel, well, it's sad. I'm not sure I have a clue where you should go from here, though half of me wants you to get her out of this sucky, sucky relationship. She doesn't seem to have a good deal of impetus to leave, though, so you'd have to figure out if you want your story to end happily or not, since this all points to somebody ending up dead and it looks a lot like it's going to be the girl.
A good start.
My thoughts going through:
In the first paragraph, you've got a lot of metaphors and imagery all in one space. Seeping pain, novas in her head, jagged words, embers and ashes... Roses blooming after the bruises did. All of them beautiful (I especially like the roses one), but all of them in the same space may get a little confusing/overwhelming to a reader. If you really want to use all of them, maybe divide them up a little more?
"Alice in Winterland" -- Love that. Excellent twist on a familiar allusion.
"tumbling down rabbit hole" -- The rabbit hole.
Again, lots of imagery throughout the whole piece. That's not a bad thing, but it could get confusing for a reader. First his words are jagged, now they're embers. First she's a girl at the bottom of a lake, and then she's lost in a forest. Right now we're not really tied down to any particular setting, in real life or in her head, and so many changing images could make us lose track of the story itself.
I do think that you did a good job of getting across the way she responds to the beatings, making excuses for him.
"already bowing her head, already taking the blame" "He stopped seeing the girl that he was in love with..."
Both really good lines showing different things about these characters.
Basically, this has the potential to be a really good piece, but I think it would be a lot stronger if you tied us down to something. Give us some consistancy. Something to follow along throughout the whole piece. I really liked the Alice in Winterland angle, so maybe focus on that, and the whole aspect of coldness, rather than giving us the coldness along with the fire and the flowers and the plates and a million other things we're trying to picture all at the same time.
Keep writing. ^^
Hey Jasmine!
Today we have naming of parts. Yesterday,
Okay, this was really weird and maybe a bit too short. Part of me wants to say, "It's too abstract!" and the other part of me wants to say, "Make it even more abstract!" For instance, it might be really cool if it went really realistic and then turned to really abstract with only a slight transition. Kind of like that poem "Naming of Parts" by Henry Reed.
Actually, let's look at that poem for a minute, shall we?
Spoiler
We had daily cleaning. And tomorrow morning,
We shall have what to do after firing. But today,
Today we have naming of parts. Japonica
Glistens like coral in all of the neighbouring gardens,
And today we have naming of parts.
This is the lower sling swivel. And this
Is the upper sling swivel, whose use you will see,
When you are given your slings. And this is the piling swivel,
Which in your case you have not got. The branches
Hold in the gardens their silent, eloquent gestures,
Which in our case we have not got.
This is the safety-catch, which is always released
With an easy flick of the thumb. And please do not let me
See anyone using his finger. You can do it quite easy
If you have any strength in your thumb. The blossoms
Are fragile and motionless, never letting anyone see
Any of them using their finger.
And this you can see is the bolt. The purpose of this
Is to open the breech, as you see. We can slide it
Rapidly backwards and forwards; we call this
Easing the spring. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The early bees are assaulting and fumbling the flowers:
They call it easing the Spring.
They call it easing the Spring. It is perfectly easy
If you have any strength in your thumb: like the bolt,
And the breech, and the cocking-piece, and the point of balance,
Which in our case we have not got; and the almond-blossom
Silent in all of the gardens and the bees going backwards and forwards,
For today we have naming of parts.
So, you'll see that he goes to something brutally to real to something really strange and fanciful without really blinking an eye. I think that would be reeeally cool if you could do something like that with the abuse. It looks like you've tried to do it, to some extent, but the thing is that you made it so abstract that it's kind of all together mushy, but if you had those parts that are brutally realistic and weave it with the flowery abstract stuff, it'll be so much more awesome. So, make him hit her and make that stylistically shorter, then see if you can transition that with flowier prose. It'll be awesome!
Anyway, just an idea!
Uhm.... I don't get it >.<
I got really confused in the first paragraph because you didn't really explain the two people and at first, I just though that you accidentally said "him" instead of "her" haha.
This was extremely confusing and I could have sworn my brain melted and started dripping out of my ears.... So... his pain dripping out into her? What do you mean? At first the sentences didn't really fit together at all and it all just seemed jumbled together to me and I didn't quite understand what was going on.
It was only at the end of the story when I finally got the gist of what was happening. He was beating her, right? But he didn't want to? Or... something...
Don't get me wrong. I really did enjoy thing. It was actually quite interesting. Just confusing, is all.
Did he actually kill her? Or was it just another one of the various metaphors you used in this paragraph? And I also don't really understand WHY he was doing all of this to her in the first place. Maybe if you could elaborate a little?
But really. Other than the fact that it was confusing in the beginning, I really did find it interesting and I liked it
Yo, Jas... I'm Tabby, from the contest, 'member XD?
Oki dai, so, I thought that opening paragraph was excellent... you used a ton of great imagery... at first I wasn't at all sure what you were talking about in the first paragraph, but then I started reading the second one and I was like "ah!"
I mean... really, the only complaint I have is it gets sort of confusing where the imagery ends, and the literal part begins... but looking back, I realize almost all of it is imagery... (I though he was litterally drowning her when I first read that part)
But yeah, besides that, it was a good read. Although I don't know how you would continue this exactly, if you want to, do it!
One final note: bears hibernate in the Winter XD
--
Tabby
This had heaps of imagery and made you picture everything. My favourite bit was probably the second paragrapth as the first one had just a litte too much imagery there that made the story a bit confusing.
I do the same thing though so don't feel I am being harsh
I would like to see you continue this it seems interesting!
-SweetMoments
Hey, I really liked the description and metaphors in this. You're right, it is short, but I think it gets the point across.
should be she hid, but that was all I found.Grammatically,
Keep writing!
Hi!
This was pretty good! I feel the need to say this in every review, just to make sure: So this was a story about an abusive boyfriend and his girlfriend? Anyways, it was really good. The description and emotion were great, and overall this was really good! Nice job!
I really loved this. The first part I'm not sure if it meant to be his instead of hers and if so please ignore that suggestion haha. Well I really really liked this and you described it beautifully. I hope you get many helpful reviews and I can't wait to read more of your works soon!!! Good luck and keep up with the amazing work!!! Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3