the sky is grey with rain and i have learned many things at my cushy office job.
a. paper cuts
the cabinet has four doors and everyone has a file even me which is strange because i never knew i had insurance. there is oxycotin and xanax in the bathroom and i am tempted but i never take because my policy might go up. i spend hours filing names, in a repetitive, almost mechanical way. my eyes get blurred and i blink and see blood staining the crisp white file.
also: it is impossible to open a door without closing the last.
b. shedding skin
the lawyer in the back has a smile like a snake and i can almost see his fangs. sometimes he asks me to make copies or fax something and today, i heard him speaking poison on the phone. after he hung up, a man with shaky fingers and a widow's peak came in and asked for an appointment because his wife filed a police report against him claiming abuse and he didn't know what to do. the lawyer smiled and offered him coffee.
also: fyi, he doesn't wash his hands when after using the bathroom
c. i'm a killer
my aunt, the broker, isn't actually broke. she has 593 pennies, 27 nickels, 4 dimes in her drawer and 3 dollar coins in the bottom drawer by her marble desk. i know this because insurance is very boring and i am often left with nothing to do. to kill time, i think sad things, swallow asprin to dull the ache in my teeth and read excellent poetry.
also: the ac is too loud sometimes and i can barely hear the plants that madeline brought wilt.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. I wonder exactly what the main intentions are for this piece because right now we're just seeing this whole thing kind of playing out with an interesting connection to this job and an oddly tragic sounding image there for what is normally considered a fairly simple experience. Its definitely getting our attention with how different it is to how these things normally sound.
Oooh this is a rather powerful way to put this. Now we see a fun little pattern forming for us about how this person sees the true nature of the dangers and tragedies that tend to plague life in this office even through these seemingly innocent actions. Now all of sudden this piece feels like it has a lot more power.
Well that's quite the powerful observation to end on here. Of all the ways to elevate how overworked this person is and how shady some people can be, this idea of being a killer of time is a rather powerful one because it seems to be more on a personal level than the others and rings a lot more powerfully than the others as well. Overall we have ourselves quite the piece here, its almost a prose poem and it leaves you quite a lot of interesting thoughts.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The sky is grey with rain and I have learned many things at my cushy office job.
A. Paper Cuts
The cabinet has four doors and everyone has a file; even me, which is strange because I never knew I had insurance. There is Oxycotin and Xanax in the bathroom and I am tempted, but I never take because my policy might go up. I spend hours filing names, in a repetitive, almost mechanical way. My eyes get blurred, I blink, and I see blood staining the crisp white file.
Also: it is impossible to open one door without closing the last.
B. Shedding Skin
The lawyer in the back has a smile like a snake, and I can almost see his fangs. Sometimes he asks me to make copies or fax something. Today, I heard him speaking poison on the phone. After he hung up, a man with shaky fingers and a widow's peak came in asking for an appointment. His wife filed a police report against him claiming abuse and he didn't know what to do. The lawyer smiled and offered him coffee.
Also: FYI, he doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom
C. I'm a Killer
My aunt, the broker, isn't actually broke. She has 593 pennies, 27 nickels, and 4 dimes in her drawer, and three one dollar coins in the bottom drawer by her marble desk. I know this because insurance is very boring and I am often left with nothing to do. To kill time, I think sad things, swallow asprin to dull the ache in my teeth and read excellent poetry.
Also: the AC is too loud. Sometimes I can barely hear the plants that Madeline brought wilt.
I fixed basic grammer; such as commas and capitalization.
Hey there Jas, Ita here to review.
Firstly, opening line.
The 't' at the beginning should be capitalized, as should the 'i'. It's not much of a hooker, fairly dull and boring (I say this not out of malice, of course, merely to help you improve).
Capital 't' at the beginning, and the 't' of 'there' should also be capitalized. So should the 'i''s. Same for the 'm' of 'my'
The fact that your character is debating over suicide leads me to believe he/she's insane, which might justify the somewhat unconnected and, at times, discordant, feel this very brief chapter has.
Capital 't' and 'i''s, as usual. Also, the last line, 'the lawyer smiled and offered him coffee'... since we immediately skip to another part... that's fairly jarring, if you ask me.
Now, that fyi, as well as the 'f' not being capitalized, is also somewhat in the breaking the fourth wall territory. Who is your character informing? Anyways.
xD
That was also somewhat stilted, and capitalization is also lacking.
Plus, I don't see why the list form, of all things.
Sorry if this seemed much too harsh. Keep it up!
Hope this helped,
~Ita
#TeamRed
Hey Jas!
Laugh out Loud! I think Ky got it wrong. You were trying to impose humour here. Because I'm quite sure that you do know the meaning of the term 'broker'. Anyways, if not and this was a mistake, then you should listen to Ky.Your stalker is back. xD! I found this piece of yours and couldn't push away the temptation of reading and reviewing it.
You know, like others I had once asked you why did you feel the need to ignore capitalization and you had answered that grammar is boring and for herbss. But I think you were wrong. You do need to take grammar seriously and punctuation is one of the most important things we have been taught under grammar, right? So I'd suggest you do capitalize when you're posting on YWS because 1) it's irritating to read it otherwise. No offence! and 2) it would make your piece even more awesome.
So coming back to this particular piece, I think it was okay-ish. Like Ky, I didn't see the point of writing this. It surely does describe the monotonous life of this person but still what's the point. I can see a story coming out of this concept but otherwise, alone, it looks absurd. Otherwise, it can be taken as a writing exercise.
My above comment aside, I do think that you did a good work with it. It was more like a writing exercise and you tried to describe the weird lawyer which was good and her aunt. It was nice to read the variety you had in here. The other thing that impressed me in this was your writing style-the also parts were well thought of.
On the other hand, when you say in the last that she can't hear the plants wilt, it feels weird. Mostly because you can only see the plants dying. You can't hear that. So, if you want to show how AC not working is perturbing her, you've got to find something else.
The 'paper cut' part was a bit boring, to be honest. Otherwise, I liked all the parts. And plus, how did she get a paper cut? Because of the files? You could elaborate that point.
Overall
Although it was good, I guess it was a bit lower than your standard. I've read some excellent work from you but this didn't fit into that category. Although it was alright in itself, it doesn't 'smell' like you. It's not your level of writing is what I'm trying to say.
Besides, there was not a solid point of writing this. It was just a memoir sort of a thing or something on which you can build a story or a character. Anyways, you must have had something in your mind when you wrote this so I won't bore you further.
Let me have a feedback!
~Mia
The "when" there really bogs down this line.
A broker is someone who negotiates or trades on the behalf of someone else. They tend to make a lot of money due to the large sums of money generally involved, and the resulting large commissions. As a result, it makes no sense to say that the aunt is not actually broke since the two words don't share the same root or meaning. It instead reads as a case of misused vocabulary due to "didn't look up the meaning in the dictionary".
Sure, it sounds nice, but the disconnect in meanings is a major dealbreaker.
While this does tie into point c, it feels a bit long and rambling and snarled by itself. It also doesn't feel as natural as the other two "also"s, and really doesn't feel like an ending. It just leaves the reader uncomfortably hanging, wondering "what is the point of all of this?" It also doesn't really reinforce the whole "learning" theme as it's a strange observation than anything else.
I don't see why you couldn't have broken up that one line into two sentences. It would have flowed better idea-wise, which would cut down on the self-snarling, rambling feel.
As far as the form goes, while it's consistent, I'm left wondering what's the point? What does it contribute to this piece that makes the lack of capitalization absolutely essential? About the only thing it does it push this piece more towards the poem side of the spectrum, rather than the prose, but to what end? It doesn't really work as a prose poem -- it's too prosaic -- and yet the lack of capitalization ensures that it doesn't work as straight prose either.
To be quite honest, I think this piece would be better off just as a straight prose piece. The lack of capitalization adds nothing but confusion to this, and it is really unsatisfying as a prose poem.
Hey Jas,
You've got a really nice rhythm going on in this piece, and the tone - mechanic, slow but thoughtful at the same time - is really great, fits the context really well. I also like the way you've cut it up, to allow for some breathing space, pauses in the faintly suffocating feel.
What needs work, I believe, is your transitions to those final lines: they seem more tacked on to the end of your sections than anything, and while there is certainly a connection it feels a bit too removed. They're good stream-of-consciousness snapshots, but they're not relevant enough, they don't pack the punch I keep expecting and so come off disappointing, if you see what I mean. There are also a few little places where the rhythm of your sentences sounds a bit off (I'm thinking for example of "there is oxycotin and xanax in the bathroom and i am tempted but i never take because my policy might go up", where the end of the sentence just rolls off the tongue really weirdly compared to the beginning), but that's a lot more nitpicky and subjective, so adjust as you see fit (or not at all).
Nice piece, nevertheless. Keep up :3
Huh?
Hey there!
Um, I sort of don't understand this. Who is the protagonist supposed to be? I just feel as though this is just random thoughts, which it's supposed to be, maybe? Also, you are killing me with the grammar. Capitalization, Capitalization, Capitalization. I do feel as though you could make this into a sarcastic, extremely funny view on the drone of office life, unless I'm totally missing the point of this whole story, which I might be. Anyway, I think it needs more clarification, but the idea I think you were trying to achieve is nice.
~Epic