~*~
Ivy sat in the plastic lawn chair, hunched over her sketch book as she attempted to perfect Megan's eyes. Pencil-grey birds flitted off the sides of the paper and delicately drawn flowers lined the bottom, but Ivy paid them no mind as she tore the page out of the book and threw it with the rest of the crumpled pieces of paper littering the floor. She stood, the sun blinding her momentarily as she stepped out of the shade of the oak tree. She walked up to her house and flipped her white-blonde hair up into a ponytail before opening the door and stepping inside. Her summer had been more or less the same as every other summer in her fifteen years, except for Megan, the new babysitter of Ivy's younger sister.
Her mother had tentatively told her the news, claiming that it wasn't Ivy's disability that forced them to hire a babsitter for six-year old Elizabeth. Her father took over saying, they felt safer with someone else in the house, someone older. Ivy had rolled her eyes and went to her room, drawing her parent's hesitant faces, before writing 'liars' in big, block letters beneath the sketch.
The scent of slightly burned sugar cookies drifted through Ivy's nose and she followed the smell to the kitchen, where she found Megan and Elizabeth giggling while they poked scorching hot cookies off the cookie sheets and onto a plate. Elizabeth glanced up at Ivy, but Megan became suddenly very interested in the hem of her t-shirt, her dirty blonde hair covering her face.
"Oh, hi, Ivy! You want some cookies?" Elizabeth asked, while pushing her whispy blonde hair out of her face.
Ivy shook her head and looked at Megan, trying to figure out why, of all people, her eyes she couldn't draw.
"Mrs. Donaldson just called. She's coming to pick up Liza for a playdate with Adam." Megan said, her eyes still averted to her shirt.
"When Adam comes, can I just go out?" Elizabeth asked, still looking at Ivy. She nodded and Elizabeth smiled at both teenage girls before walking out. It was always like this: as little speech as possible from Megan, silence from Ivy and Elizabeth oblivious to it all.
'Can I see you alone?' was written on Ivy's sketchpad beforehand and she showed it to Megan, who nodded and followed her out of the kitchen and up the stairs to Ivy's room.
Megan sat in Ivy's computer chair and began to bite her fingernails, tapping her toe on the desk leg.
Ivy sat on her bed and the two stared at each other for a few minutes. Ivy looked over Megan's dirty blonde hair, cut perfectly straight to her shoulders; her rail-thin body, long and lean; and finally, her eyes, the most intricate, complicated set Ivy had ever seen. They were the color of star dust, like God had taken the sea at high tide and a blade of grass from a faerie forest and melted gold and silver and flecks of dawn and threw them together into Megan Rennolds eyes.
Ivy grabbed her sketch pad and wrote out one simple word.
'Why'
"Ivy, you're fifteen. I'm seventeen. This time next year, I'll be getting ready for my freshman year in college. It wouldn't have worked out. And don't think it's because you're mute. That has nothing to do with this." Megan replied, playing with the hem of her shirt again.
'Bullshit and bringing up that to deter the conversation? Megan. I know you're scared but you know you love me and I know I love you.'
"Ivy, I'm...I'm not like you. I'm a Christian girl and what you are is, well it's wrong and it's disgusting. I've been to treatment and I know now, that's how life is supposed to be" Megan said, her voice raising and raising, still speaking to the sketch book, "I love you, Ivy, but as a close friend and nothing else."
Ivy ground her teeth together and furiously wrote out more to Megan.
'Bullshit. You're fine with Jason, you're friends with Jason, but you're not okay with me? That's not fair, Megan. You need to get over yourself because it's not only you that's hurting, it's me.'
" I won't- I can't go back. Ivy, I moved two thousand miles because of what they did to me. I was attacked because of it. I can't" Megan was yelling at this point, standing, tears welling up in her eyes.
Ivy stood too and pushed Megan against the door, effectively silencing her. Ivy wiped off the tear dancing down her face and etched this moment in her mind forever before kissing Megan for the first time in a long time.
It was all lips and tongue and hands and lovelovelove, Ivy's hands tangled in Megan's hair and Megan pressed close against Ivy until-
"I can't do this"
Megan was slightly panting and her eyes were wide with disbelief and realization. She looked as if she had just woken up from a long dream, her hair messy, her cheeks flushed and this look on her face, as if she had just realized that her entire life was a lie. Ivy was silent, breathing heavy and staring at the floor with a look not of anger, but of immense sadness.
"I-I have to go" Megan mumbled. She rushed out of the room and that was the last time Ivy saw Megan for years.
~*~
Megan nervously adjusted her hair and re-applied lip balm, before sinking into the comfy leather chair and waiting. Over the next ten minutes, students began to mill into the classroom, some with the flyers Megan posted around campus, some old faces from last year, some incoming freshman with awe in their eyes and a certain sort of innocence to their faces.
It was the last week of August and students were just beginning to move into their dorm rooms. They were still grasping to the last strings of summer before it vanished, wearing tank-tops and short-shorts, tossing Frisbees and popping off the cap of a Corona, but the laughter and talk had grown quieter as the sun set and evening came.
Megan looked over the fairly full room, waving to a few friends and smiling reassuringly at the nervous looking freshman in the corner. She faced the front of the room and called the room to attention.
"Hi guys. Some of you may know me, but for those who don't, my name is Megan Rennolds and I'm this years president of the LGBT club. To start off this weeks discussion of 'Accepting Ourselves', I'd like to tell you all my story with accepting myself." Megan said.
The door cracked open and a girl with white-blonde hair and ink-stained fingers slipped into the room, sitting in the far back and setting her eyes on the front. Megan's heart skipped, once, twice and her breath caught in her throat as she ran her eyes hungrily over the girl, staring at the face she left three years before.
Megan cleared her throat and started speaking, "In my hometown, I was attacked for being the other half of the only lesbian relationship for a hundred miles. I forced my family to move, telling them it was for my safety, when I was really trying to run away from my past. As soon as we got to our new home, I reinvented myself, going to treatment and therapy and metaphorically, shoving my gayness back into the closet. It was after I hurt someone I loved that I realized that I couldn't keep fighting myself and I had to face my fears. It took time but now I am proud to say, I am lesbian."
There was much applause and the night went quickly, each student speaking up on their troubles and the intolerance they faced, whether it be from themselves or from other people. The meeting finally adjourned and Megan hurriedly said good-bye to every last straggler, before locking the door and turning to the green eyed artist sitting in the far back.
"You came. I didn't know whether you had gotten my email or whether you would listen or if " Megan whispered, not wanting to continue that if. If you still liked me, wanted me, loved me.
Ivy smiled and took a thick envelope from her shoulder bag and handed it to Megan. It was full of dozens of sketches of Megan, her baking cookies with Elizabeth, her spiking a volleyball in the high school gym, her kissing Ivy and her eyes, the final sketch capturing them perfectly, all the colors and her thick eyelashes and the large, almond shape.
"Ivy, these..are wonderful. Thank you, thank you so much," Megan said in awe, still looking at the gorgeous drawings.
Ivy showed Megan her arm, where a little black scripted tattoo lay in the space right before her elbow.
I will always love you.
Megan looked at the tattoo, then looked back up, waiting an intolerable two seconds, tick-tock-tick before catching Ivy's lips with her own. Ivy's hands tangled in Megan's hair and both girls knew that this was right.
~*~
A/N Edited: K, so I tried a different sort of ending, it's still pretty corny but at least not as stupid as the 'woah what a coinkydoink, they're at the same college, in the same dorm and they still have feelings for each other?' sort of ending I had before. I'm not sure whether it was clear, but Ivy and Megan both came out, they're both in college and they had been emailing for some time. Thanks for reading!
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137,849 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Looks like I'm finally here. I don't have time to read the other reviews, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything.
...You put me to shame.
But I won't gush, mainly because I don't have time.
All of the following problems are the result of extreme pickiness. Also, at times, I was quite blunt. I'm sorry if I offended you, I just didn't have time to say things so that it didn't sound like I was insulting you or your writing. But I'm not, promise.
First, these lesbians aren't lesbians. I mean, I don't feel it. You did what you had to do--you said it explicitly, had a little I'll-stare-at-your-breasts-cause-I'm-obviously-gay thing, had a little I-really-want-to-kiss-you-thing, had one of them announce it to the world--but the whole time it felt like you were focusing too hard on her sexuality and not on the simple fact that she loves another person. I know you don't want to make the reader uncomfortable, and at the same time you want them to understand, but there's a line you need to walk. Focus more on the two girls first, and then turn to the obstacle their sexuality is. That way, it's more about difficulty in love than love in difficulty.
-No one cares about Spencer. I suggest getting rid of him from what is obviously a pivotal moment and using it instead to define their relationship. Have Megan push Ivy away. Or something between the two girls. But him coming in at that moment felt somewhat artificial in nature. And, again, it made me extremely annoyed at this insignificant character for disturbing a scene that could have gone in a much more interesting direction.
-That being said, a lot of this is unnecessary. I didn't really care about the brothers or the stuff with the boyfriends, which, to be honest, just confused me. It really doesn't matter--Megan doesn't care about them, so why should we? Have her say it in her speech. Otherwise, the speech mainly tells us what we've already heard. It takes away a lot of the potential effect of the speech. If there was a word limit, I'd definitely suggest weeding out some of those details and replacing them with things that advance the relationship you have here.
I liked what you did with Ivy. Her being mute was a nice twist, especially when she needs her voice.
-Hmm. Just felt very anti-climactic. You tried to make the drawing thing feel significant, but it's your penultimate scene. Instead, you ended with this, which gave me the mental image of two girls flailing at each other. Endings are hard, but that's no excuse.
You had quite a few grammar errors. But you're smart enough to find those on your own.
Now I feel like I have some explaining to do. I fell in love with this story, the relative complexity captured in a simple way. It probably doesn't sound like it, but I truly did. And I basically brushed my hand over this story in order to review it, and after all you've done for me I really should have done better. Time, time, time. Send this to me after you edit it (either if you just edit it here, post a new version, or just send it in a PM) any time before that contest and I'll make sure I do a better review. I can sacrifice an hour or two. But the above is mainly first impressions.
*Was going to enter this contest, but then I realised I wasn't American, so my entry didn't count. Stoopid Figment rules. You better win that iPad, Jas. Win it for me and YWS.* Ehem.
P.S. Have you posted this on Figment yet? If so, would you link me to it? I've got an account on Figment, and I'll, like, totally heart it for you.
Yeah, so hey!
I liked the overall idea of this. Homosexuality is a very interesting subject to me, so this is definitely the kind of thing I like to read. Obviously, homosexuality is a sensitive subject, and I reckon you handled it well. I think you portrayed Megan and Ivy's relationship pretty well overall, so well done for doing that. I didn't read the original version, but I think the ending here is totally fine. I think it ended nicely, and it didn't seem corny to me. By the looks of it, you've edited that part very well. A great job overall!
I don't really think I have anything to add when it comes to critiques. I mainly agree with what a couple of others have said about showing us the girls' personalities better. Right now, I'm just thinking of Ivy as the deaf (she is deaf, right? I'm not totally off?) girl who likes to draw, and Megan as the religious lesbian who's afraid to come out. I don't really feel like I know them personally, and only know them as what they're labelled as. Try and show us the girls' quirks, and let me get to know them individually rather than just think of them as a pair. Show us how each girl is different.
The other thing I'd like to say is that I'd like for some things to be a bit more detailed. One of the big things that's bugging me is that we don't know much about Ivy's disability. I'm assuming she's deaf (and assuming she can lip-read or something), but she could just not be able to speak for some reason. It's not 100% clear. When did she get her disability? Is it something she's had since birth? Or did it happen after an accident? How strong is her disability? Is she completely deaf? Or is she only partially deaf? I'd also like to know more about the girls' relationship. Just more background information in general, I guess.
I know doing what I said above is hard because you have a word limit: it's 100 words, right? Taking that into account, it is hard to add in all of the details you may want. I mean, the entry I wrote up for this lacks so much detail, and my characters were so 2D because of it. I really do hate word limits... If you really try to work at it though, I think you could easily squeeze in some important details, even if it does mean cutting some other parts short.
Overall though, I think you've done a good job here, Jas! Well done!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Spoiler
EDIT: Wow, my stalker skills are getting better day by day. I found your piece, then hearted it, of course. I bet you're scared now. Also, this is going to make me sound like a creeper, but I noticed that you hadn't mentioned where you got your character and setting from in the story's description. You need to make sure you do that; it's in the rules, if I remember correctly.
Hey there! Little Princess here for a review!
That part suggests to me that Ivy is being silent around Megan so try and make it a little clearer that she is always silent.It's a bit unclear as to what Ivy's disability is. Is it that she can't talk? I think you should make it more apparent.
I liked this a lot, a story about a lesbian couple is not something you see everyday. I would have liked to see more, however, you have so much potential for this tragic love story and you've only given us two little snippets. My feeling is that there could be more to it, did the girls go through personal transformations between the two scenes you provided? I would like more to that, you could expand on there characters so much. However, it was cute on its own and if you don't feel like expanding into this huge story I think you should definitely add a little more to the second scene, a bit more background into how Megan got to where she was and such.
Also, the eyes. I really liked how in the beginning Ivy couldn't capture Megans eyes, perhaps because Megan was true to herself. However, I would like to know what changed that caused her to be able to draw them in the end? Since the reader doesn't see anything really happen between those two moments.
All in all, this was really great. Happy reviewing!
Hai hai, here I am as requested
So I shall make comments as I read through and try not to be too confusing. My first point is nicely done on slotting in there about her disability, that really intrigues me, but be sure to mention it again a little sooner so that your reader stays intrigued. Just give another hint, show us how Megan feels about having a disability and how it affects her.
My second comment is why does she write on the sketch pad about seeing Megan in her room? That's leaving evidence somewhere it might be found at a later date and completely not needed since they were alone and it would be easy to think of some reason to need her upstairs, even if they weren't.
Beautiful description of the eyes. A little cheesy but in the best way possible.
Alright, finished reading and I thought the ending worked very nicely. Of course I don't know what you had there before this one, but good work.
You never did explain the disability though. We're left to wonder if perhaps she couldn't speak, since she didn't, or if it was to do with her being a lesbian, since some might consider that a disability, but to drop it in there and then not clear it up is baaaaad. You should fill your reader in on such an important detail; no dangling the carrot in front of our faces if we don't get to bite it in the end.
I'd have liked to see more of the girls' personalities here. You showed us what they were, an artist and a teen afraid to be who she is, but not enough of who they are. Does Megan have a certain way of tilting her head when she gets angry, a certain inflection to her voice that marks her out from anyone else so that even if you were to close your eyes, you would know who it was. Think about those finer details and add them in because that's what makes us really love a character.
Then description. You cover a lot of what can be seen and heard, but what about touch or smell? There are fives senses in all, though taste is perhaps the least used, but you should try to incorporate the first four at least to really build the atmosphere in your story. Touch, in my opinion, is the most important at all. We're very sensory beings and knowing what something feels like is so instinctive, it can really bring the object to life when you describe the rough, bumpy surface of a wall or the smooth, cool touch of a pane of glass.
Hope this helps a little!
Heather xxx
Well, those are the only two punctuation errors I have found. I'd have to agree with the others, the ending is quite lame and predictable. It definitely needs more of your effort to make it better.
Hello! I'm not much of a long reviewer, so I'll keep it short and simple.
First off, thank you for writing a beautiful story about lesbians! I, myself, am bisexual and enjoy reading a wonderful stoey about gays and lesbians. I absolutely despise homophobes and prejudice people. Everyone is allowed to love whomever they wish to, reguardless of gender! I hope I'm not offending anyone, but this is my opinion.
Second, the title. I, personally, didn't like the title. "Eyes" was just too simple for this particular story. Some suggestions: Eyes of Gold, Stardust, Her Golden Eyes, Eyes Like The Stars.
Third, the imagery was beautiful! You were very descriptive with Ivy's actions! I loved how I could see the scenes in my mind's eye. Especially how you described Megan's eyes. They sounded so freaking pretty, I'm jealous! xD
Fourth, the writing. For a rough draft, this was pretty damn good! You do need to edit some things, but it won't take you more than ten minutes, roughly! There were a few punctuation errors, basically just that.
Fifth, her condition. You really should've provided more information on Ivy's disabiliy. Why can't she speak? How, when, and why? Is it permanent? Add some background information.
Last, the ending? Beautiful! If you change it, I'll kill you! >:D
Good job! Keep writing!
- Ariel<3'
ooo lesbians. I love lesbians!
I think this is a pretty good story for a starter. It could have some dusting up here and there. During the fight between the two girls, it's hard to really gauge the energy. It happens so fast, I can't feel the anger. I also found it kind of... difficult for me to believe that Meghan would kiss her despite "vowing" not to go back to her old life. I don't know either girl well enough to really judge this scene, but it felt unrealistic none the less.
I do find the ending corny... But, you know, sometimes happy endings happen! I think the corniest part is that they actually got placed in the same room together... at the same college. It's just VERY unlikely. And that they still want to fall in love? and be together? Whether she accepts her sexuality or not, she may not want to date Ivy. Heck, she may already have a girlfriend! Just not very realistic enough for me.
Otherwise, I really did enjoy this.
" When Adam comes, can I just go out?" Elizabeth asked.
Delete the space.
Also, I did not like the ending very much. Maybe that's just me. It was fairly good, a nice writing piece.
Hm, I'm not actually sure how I feel about the ending. Part of me is like, "Yay, they got together, I'm happy as a clam!" but another found the corniness (and kind of abruptness?) a little unsettling. But I think that's just me and my hyperactive corn-meter. Anyway. I loved the descriptions of Megan's eyes, which stood out a lot to me. I also like Ivy's speech (or writing, technically) patterns. The fact that her first word to Megan was just 'why' struck me, as did her first reaction to meeting her again. It was sweet, but sad because that means that Ivy was only able to get Megan's eyes right after she left, right? Aw... Oh, and one thing that would be nice to see more of would be Ivy and Megan's chemistry together, because I don't really know much about why they like each other. I understand that it's a short story and all, but these characters are interesting and it'd be cool to see more of how they interact. I shan't get into technical stuff, as the reviewer above has covered that like a boss. xD Congrats on such a unique and creative piece, especially as it's unedited. Good luck on the contest! And if you ever plan on expanding on this, prequel please? Pretty please?
Before I start my review, I just want to say wow. This is definitely one of those short stories that actually catches one when they're not looking. There was definitely a strong mood and under tone set about this, or at least I felt some. It may also be that I know a lesbian that used to go to my school that had been run down by a car. She was okay, but still, it was the action. This just hit me and held onto my attention the full way through.
Okay, now, onto the grammar/spelling/personal insight part, which will be in red.
Okay, now, onto some more story structure and plot stuff:
As far as plot goes, I think you nailed it. I liked your beginning and I enjoyed the filler, and although the ending was a little cliche, I was satisfied (though that's no reason to not improve upon it). My main problems were your sentence structures. You seemed to use the same kinds of sentences over and over again, starting with subject, whether name or pronoun, and ending with a description. That's good and all, sure. It gets the story across. What it does not do is keep a reader interested for long periods of time. This was short enough for it to work. Were it longer, it might have caused a small problem. Or at least with me it would have. I always try to start all my sentences differently in my stories, whether I am able to or not. There's some food for thought.
Good story and good luck on your contest. I hope you do well with this story.
Wow. This was really good. A lesbian love story, it's perfect, just perfect. Not many people are willing to write about lesbians or gays, but you did. I really liked it, the problem and how they overcame it. It was unlike anything I've ever read before and it captivated me from the first line until the end. You should make it longer though, I'd really like to know what happens next.