Hey Jasmine!
Here as promised.
"Well, how is this my problem?"
It should be "that" because she's referring to something outside herself.
"It's not. I guess you can leave if you want,"
"Nope. A present from a friend,"
"They can't"
You only end the dialog with a comma if you're not using speech tag. So better change those commas to periods.
She turns, faces the wall closest to her, tiny scribble scrabbles all over. She walks closer, eyes squinting to read the miniscule handwriting.
There are too many commas that it makes the flow choppy. I suggest you add a conjunction. And this paragraph shows that she tends to move a lot. Why don't you make the pace slower? ^______^
She tilts her heads and narrows her muddy brown eyes, searchng for the definition of life in his ocean blue iris'.
"Head" and "searching". Watch out for your typos.
Also, the part when she looks at his eyes searching for the definition of life...? Well, it doesn't make any sense. I don't want to sound harsh at all, however, it doesn't complement the paragraph before (or even after) this. It needs more explanation and bit of a sense. I know that is a metaphorical statement but it doesn't stand well enough on its own.
The sudden images of babies crying and children dropping vanilla ice cream and hipsters smoking their cigarettes and goths leaning on walls and cheerleaders screaming GOTEAMGO and Walmart salespeople going HelloisthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith and alcoholics taking a swig and potheads taking a hit and idiots laughing and fireworks bursting over Mickey' Mouse's head and life bloomed and blossomed all over the pages of her mind.
Whoa. You need to slow down. I don't think this is even a paragraph, more like a sentence. A run-on sentence. It makes the flow run and run, making the readers read until the very last word. Remember, everyone needs to pause and breathe. xD With that being said, you should add conjunctions. I'm also intrigued of the sudden italic phrases and imagination of the girl.
"Make a wish,"
-----
She wakes.
The ending doesn't leave me interested at all. Or nothing ever crossed to my mind like, "I want another of this!" Just plainly "okay" played at the back of my mind. If this is a dream then you should have ended it nicely. The way you finished it makes me think, "where is the point of this?" >.<
~
Considering this is a flash fiction, you deserve a pat on the shoulder. It's not the best yet not the least. You have entertained me but not that great. Pfft. I don't want to sound rude but it's just how I show my honest opinions. Okay? ^^
First of all, you need a stronger character. Yes this is in a third person point of view but you seem to limit yourself on how you describe the two persons and things around them. Their relationship is a blur as what you stated. And this leaves us this kind of mystery. That's good, but it's confusing at the end. Because as I came across the last paragraph, I couldn't conclude whether they're just friends, or sharing a steady relationship.
Second thing is that I don't like how you don't add speech tags. Without it, I don't know who's talking and who's not. An action tag can be added but we need specificity in your story.
Last is that you should expand your story. You might start asking yourself, "but this is just supposed to be short?!"
Relax. I'm not only talking about the length. It's how you expand more your characters. Developing them well. Though I like how they are unnamed, and the introductory part... but it's just not enough. Why don't you build a bigger and better space for your characters? Don't tell me just because this is a flash fiction, doesn't mean you can't provide us a good and concrete story plot and relationship between the two characters.
Also I don't think there was really a conflict going on here. Even if there was, elaborate it more.
Overall, this story can be turned into something better. I hope you understand my point. I mean, you don't want your readers to be like this ---> T_T at the end of the story. ^______^
This review is based entirely on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing,
Yuri
Points: 28776
Reviews: 446
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