Watching Raindrops on my Window

Ignatius5453 wrote:Look outside the window. Nice first line, lots of intrigue.
Can you see the pouring rain?
Can you hear the thunder's echoes,
outside of your window pane? I would delete the "of" if I were you. It interrupts the flow and just seems very surplus.

Can you see the lightning strikes,
as they flash from darkened clouds?
The raindrops rushing by,
landing louder than a thousand crowds. This line interrupts the flow of the poem as well, but would still work if you took out the "landing." Other thn that, good stanza.

Can you feel the distant rumbles,
and the breezes running past?
Oh if only, if only:
This moment could only last. Yet another rhythm break. this time, take out the "only."

You have a good sense of rhythm, but sometimes it's interrupted by unneeded words. Reading your poem out loud (and looking through my old reviews, it seems like I say this to everyone, but trust me, it works.) is a good way to identify the source of the problem.

I liked this poem a lot -- the metaphors you used were colourful, and you really captured the thunderstorm in question. You also managed to involve the reader in a way many poets find hard.

Sorry for the brief review, but it's nearly 3am right now. Keep writing!

Hey Ignatius5453,

I liked you poem. It was just overdone and bland. The topic is just over used. Some of your rhymes are almost rhymes or forced rhymes

Look outside the window.
Can you see the pouring rain?
Can you hear the thunder's echoes

Echoes doesn't exactly rhyme with window. Maybe try a line like "Can you hear the thunder's echo.

Your rhyming pattern is a little crazy.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo