Cold hands clamor at my sides,
and blue lips stammer to speak.
A weary soul sighs inside my chest.
And the beast hisses:
"Can you hear the echoes,
woeful cries into the darkness?
To haunt the night in mournful sorrow,
until the ends of time."
Burdened feet stagger along a beaten path,
carrying a head held low.
No smile has crossed these lips for so long,
the voices echo inside of my skull.
"Cumbersome feet can only plod for a time,
until the ground chisels them into naught.
A stumble in the black,
and you will fall into a broken eternity."
I do not scream or cry,
my voice has long since gone.
Still I crawl along this hellish path,
and wait for a solemn and quiet demise.
Oh by the way, if you like it, take the time to press the little star thingy at the top, or bottom. Please "Like" it. Thank You Kindly.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,427 Reviews
I know you posted on my wall months ago but I have literally only just logged in, sorry!!
I also love the strong sesnse of image and metaphor. Think I might read it again. Sende me more, not promising I'll review them straight away but better late than never!! xxx
First off, I love this poem. I read alot of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton who are two poets I very much think you would be interested in. I love the dark, chilling nature of your poem. To me it had an almost suicidal, primal feel to it. I very much love the speaker in the poem I thought it had a very haunting quality and the language was spot on! Kudos to you
-Matt
Hi, I'm here to review, as requested.
I really enjoyed this poem. It was everything a poem should be; emotive, deep, passionate, with a hint of mystery. It gripped me from the word 'go', and I couldn't really take my eyes off the page. I didn't really fully understand the meaning behind the poem - I presume you've left it open to personal interpretation.
There were a few dodgy lines, which I'll point out to you now.
Burdened feet stagger along a beaten path,
carrying a head held low.
No smile has crossed these lips for so long,
the voices echo inside of my skull.
Alzora obvious pointed out a mistake here which you've since corrected, but I don't really like anything about the sentence. It doesn't fit...it's like you've randomly put it in there, as if you wanted to say it but couldn't figure out where to put it so plonked it in the spot you have, at the end of a completely unrealting stanza. To be honest, I don't think you need to even put this bit in, it's a bit cliched and doesn't say much.
I do not scream or cry,
my voice has long since gone.
Still I crawl along this hellish path,
and wait for a solemn and quiet demise.
With this last sentence, it is almost like you are stating an obvious. I know you're not, but when I read it it comes across that way. Or even if it's not an obvious, it's like you're saying too much, using jargon to pad out the poem a bit more.
What about something like:
I do not scream or cry,
my voice has long since gone.
Still I crawl along this hellish path
and wait.
Do you think that is more effective? I do. It draws out the poem, gives the reader a bit of perspective. It adds to the richness and depth of the poem, in my opinion.
So, other than those minor things, you've done really well with this piece. I really did enjoy reading it and I hope this review will help you improve your poem. And, remember, drop in and ask me for a review any time you like.
~ Amelia
This is a really great poem! I loved all of it!! I think with a bit more imagery it would be almost perfect.
Another thing you could fix up a bit is the ending. It doesn't seems like and ending, just something that would lead on to the next line. In fact, the last line isn't even that great. So, fix the ending and add a bit more imagery and this will just about be my favorite poem ever
Keep writing,
Just
Oh, my gosh!
What an amazing poem!
First of all, I must say I love it because it is full of emmotion... I felt just like your character, and this is what a poem should do to the reader.
The imagery here is powerful, the feeling is almost touchable!
This is a great, great, perfect beginning! The fact that you don't talk about what causes this "feelings" in your character just makes it better. It sounds like a suspense movie. I can just picture it in my head!
*-* I have no words to say what I felt when I first read this... Brilliant
Amaaaazing! But I just think you should change the word "demise" for a synonim... I don't think it fits...
Well, I can only say this is my kinda poem. I've been practicing to write one of those in English, but I don't think my vocabulary is good enough for that, so I write them in my own language (Portuguese)
Anyway, congratulations!!
I just love your poem, and would hit the "like" a thousand times if I could... I think we have a feature here...
Good, good, good work!!
I can't wait to read more from you
I thought this was captivating and really quite good, and I think the images that they bring are creepy (in a good way, that is) and very clear. The prose was to the point and yet continues to be pretty in its tempo (for lack of a better word) and rythym.
I really liked this piece, overall it was very descriptive and gave the reader lots of unseen detail. I liked the abstract way of writing and the small bit about holding your head low (very, very clever), the only problem was at times you seemed to go on too long. For example:
I felt these two stanzas were very descriptive but also very alike, almost as if you don't need the second one. But that is just something you can work on; making your stanzas all unique and able to stand out differently. Other than that I thought this piece was truly amazing, great work!
*Presses the like button*
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Hey,
Thank you so much for inviting me to read this! It is beautifully written, and grammar wise, I couldn't find any mistakes. Keep doing what you're doing because it is amazing. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.
Have a great day,
Tiffany
What an amazing piece! You brought me a shivering emotion--this is perfect! Well done, sir!
Amazing piece of poetry. This is so powerful and touching, since it's so easy to relate to it on a wide margin.
I feel that you portray someone who has felt they couldn't express their sorrows. I feel the same way sometimes.
I hope I have the right portrayal of this piece. I'm sorry if it's not. =]
-pol;