[3rd edit]
Up above my resting head,
far from where I lay in bed.
There is a ship that treads the dawn,
and with the sunrise tiptoes on.
It carries dreams so far away;
to finish them, some other day.
It brings the morning, fresh and new,
with young skies, so clear and blue.
Flying by on wings of gold,
it delivers stories, yet untold.
And broken hearts and endless tears;
both will flee the sun's first leers.
Hoisting sails, so crisp and white,
the ship goes on, in endless flight.
And somewhere high up there,
it floats about, without a care.
There is a ship that treads the dawn,
and with the sunrise tiptoes on.
Until in the night, when it comes around,
to bring you dreams you've not yet found.
*I get the rhythm is off in some places, but you just have to pause there, some of them I wrote on purpose because i wanted to get a point across, the others I just couldnt get the words to fit. And I wrote this in the 15 minutes before I went to sleep.
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140,658 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
This is really good! I love the rhythm, and the wording. Everything was described really well- I could see it clearly in my head.
This reminded me of the end of Peter Pan, when he rides off in the glowing ship. I like how it gives me a connection to a different story. ... I don't know if you meant it like that, but it's still awesome!
I don't have anything bad to say about this! I love the whole thing! Great job.
This is really cool. It's kind of like you're combining dreams and some sort of fairy tale. In fact, this poem reminded me of a book I read, called The Faerie Path. Actually, I don't think it was that particular book, but it was one of the books in that series that had a ship called the [i]Dawn Treader[i], and it literally flew into the sunrise. So, this was cool because it reminded me of that.
Anyway, I really liked this. I didn't notice any mistakes in it, either, so thumbs up to that!
This was probably my favorite part, but I loved the entire poem. Great job with this! Keep writing!!
I liked the meaning behind this, and it's rather cheery and inspiring. The last stanza is by far my favorite, (which is a good thing - I've noticed a lot of poems go downhill, including mine). I sort of agree with silverkey; some of your descriptions could use a little more spicing up and excitement, but on the other hand, I like it for its simplicity, and fitting in 'better' words will undoubtedly mess up your rhyme/flow. Anyway, pretty piece.
its good but could use some improving
I really like the premise of the poem -- dreams and ships and the sun, which are things I take a great interest in. But your imagery seems a little blunt in some parts -- like where you describe the morning as "fresh and new" and the sky as "clear and blue." You should show us that the morning is fresh and new, not just simply tell us, although for some reason, the bluntness of the imagery sort of works. And like you said, your rhythm is a bit off. Also, you use commas for everything, when in some parts, it should be a period. I don't know if you meant it to be that way or not, but it gets a bit confusing.
This part seems a little awkward:
I kept thinking, what bears away? There should probably be some sort of noun or pronoun before the second line, and no comma in between the words "away" and "all." An example of why all the commas and no periods can get a bit confusing: because there's only a comma in between each line, and no period, the third line can be taken as meaning, the broken hearts and endless tears are old, when I think you meant that the broken hearts and endless tears will flee the sun. Or maybe it's the other way around, I'm not sure. But that's what I mean. It can get a bit confusing. But, if you clear up the confusion, it's a really great stanza. c:
But all in all, it's much better than anything I could have written, and I like the words and phrases you use, and the way you put some of them together. And really, it's good for something written in 15 minutes.
My favorite line:
I liked it a lot. I couldn't find anything to edit, since you've pointed out already the only flaw. Here are some title suggestions:
Dream Ship
Hopeful Dawn
Dawn
Night Voyage
Hope ya like 'em.