My Savior walked with the tree,
On which He was to die for me.
Up the mount called Calvary.
In His hands, they drove the nails,
Little did they know my Savior never fails.
On His head a crown of thorn,
Such as one had never worn.
Broken and abused,
Alone and confused,
This Is Jesus, The King Of The Jews.
On either side of the tree,
Hung two weary dying thieves.
One asked "Remember me."
Christ assured, "Into my kingdom,
I with thee."
My Savior pled on the tree,
"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
The sky turned dark,
The curtain rent,
Into the tomb, He was sent.
For three days He waited there,
While Mary sat in despair.
He asked her,
"Why weepest thou?"
"Gardner," she said,
"I cannot rest for my Lord is dead,
And they have taken Him away."
He smiled at her and called her by name,
At once she recognized Him again.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello!
I love narrative poems, especially when they're ones that I believe in or can relate to. This is definitely one of them! It looks like previous reviewers have already done an amazing job at pointing out things and giving constructive criticism to your poem, but I will try my best to add on to their wise advice! :3
I like this line, but it seems out of place; it disrupts the flow of the lines that come before and after it. (In other words, it's a little chunky and long.) I would recommend shortening it to be concise, just so that it would fit in with the surrounding lines.
This is also a part that seemed abnormal. It didn't flow off the tongue well, and it was awkward to read. I think maybe most of it has to do with the wording - "One asked "Remember me." Christ assured "Into my kingdom, I with thee." - as a sentence, the words seem out of place. It may also be punctuation. (using a period after a question, or the "I with thee" - even though most Biblical verses are written this way) I would suggest just revising/rewording this to clear up confusion. (This could be a good way to add in more Biblicalness
((that's not a word))in about "living in Paradise, or in Paradise thou shalt be", or something.)This is ultimately my biggest "hatred", I guess you could call of it, of all times. The "name and again" thing. I can kind of see how those two could rhyme, but the rhyming near the end here isn't as strong as some of the others you had in the beginning and near the middle (like "abused and Jews", or "thorn and worn"). This, I think, could be hidden if it were in the middle, sandwiched between a strong rhyming beginning and end, but since it's your final statement to the audience, it leaves with kind of a minor letdown. What I mean is, I love the way it ended (with Christ calling her by name), but because of the way it "rhymed", it kind of was like "ehh, this is kind of good - yeah, I could sort of go with this". I would just suggest using a stronger rhyme to really pack a punch on that ending.
Anyway, I wish I could've been more helpful with this review (looks like the other reviewers got here first, and as I said before, gave you a lot of good feedback)! I do hope you continue writing - I enjoyed reading your poem! :3
~Snazzy
Thanks a bunch Snazzy!
Hi! Okay, first of all, I'll give you a warning... I have been working on a project that goes reeeeeeeally deeply into the Passion using art and whatnot, so that will probably influence my review some.
So, this poem looked like a bunch of snapshots in time, almost, which kind of briefly mention Christ's Passion and subsequent Resurrection. By snapshots, I mean that it almost looks like a bunch of different poems or couplets brought together. Were I to separate the poems, I would do the following:
So! It almost looks like you put together five different poems at once!
Anyway, I'll comment on each mini-poem...
One of the things that kind of bugged me is that this section ends abruptly. Even in the greater context of the poem, you never really answered why Christ never fails. It's implied, yes, and if you're a Christian you get it, but from the position where it is in the poem, it's a bit awkward. In the previous line ("In His hands, they drove the nails") Christ is purely in a passive position whereas "they" are the ones who are active. So, it's odd to have that juxtaposition where Christ is letting things being done to Him, but He's actively not failing. If that makes sense. I almost want you to continue the train of thought here and continue on and expand on this.
On another note, read this aloud. The first four lines are sing-songy, but my tongue tripped up on the last line because it was a mouthful. Now, some poems are sing-songy but they purposely trip you up at times, and it's great because they trip you up when the poem gets difficult and evokes harsh emotions. In this case, I don't think you should do this and I think you should endeavor to continue the sing-song pattern.
This might be my Catholic-ness coming out here, but it kind of unnerves me to see this part after Christ is being crucified. Because traditionally, this is emphasized before the crucifixion and death of our Lord, when Pilate brings Jesus to the back to be scourged and whipped, then the soldiers mock him and dress him up as royalty and bow to him in a mocking way. In art, the crown of thorns is typically portrayed with the title "Ecce Homo" or "Behold the man!" in English. This is when Pilate brings Christ round to be visible crowd and shows Him off, and then the crowd, in its maddened frenzy, cries, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!"
Like. I know that you don't have to follow tradition, because whatever, it's your poem and you do you, but at the same time, the progression of the Passion is just... it gets worse and worse and because there is just so much hope that the disciples have. Jesus came in, riding on a donkey, and everybody glorified Him because He was the messiah and they thought this meant that he was going to conquer Rome. That's why Peter was so gung ho about slicing off the servant's ear when they were attacked in the Garden of Gethsemane. And then it just gets worse and worse, even when you think it can't get any worse. Like, being shoved in front of the crowd and derided and spat on and having the whole crowd want you dead? That's horrible. And then when it actually happens... like, you actually die because that's the progression of things and there's nothing that can be done to stop it? That's a nightmare. So, when you stop and go back for a bit and focus on the crown of thorns when they are hammering his hands and feet to the cross, it seems a bit odd to me.
BUT THEN. We Catholics like to do things in a particular way. So, maybe it's just me?
The other note... I know "confused" and "abused" rhyme with each other, but I don't think Jesus was confused. I think He knew exactly what was going to happen, and that's why he was in such agony in the Garden of Gethsemane.
This is going to be a minor quibble, but this whole biblical dialogue is so epic, and it seems a bit sad how much you've abridged it. Like, can't we have more dialogue with the thieves talking with each other?
...another minor quibble, but I don't think that He pled on the tree. I think He started reciting Psalm 22 (link here). If you've ever met up with Orthodox Jews, you know that they can basically recite a lot of parts from their various books because they really do their best to memorize it. Same kind of idea back then. Christ is leading them in prayer... and look how the prayer ends up.
Anyway. Instead of "pled" I would probably say "cried out" because that is very true.
...gardener is spelled wrong!
Anyway, this kind of bothered me? During this time before He is resurrected, Jesus is doing a lot of things and not just waiting around. I mean, you're kind of ignoring the whole Harrowing of Hell theological bit, which is asserted in the Apostles' Creed. This isn't just a Catholic thing either -- other Christian sects that recite the Apostles' Creed believe in it too. Some don't though... some of the newer Christian sects, for example. Anyway, my advice is look at the link and see if you're missing something big. Because I think you are.
Another thing! Mary's not just sitting around. She's completing Passover, rushing to the tomb the earliest the Law allows her to do, freaking out because it's empty, bothering the disciples who (to her) don't seem to get the importance that Jesus has just disappeared, and crying her eyes out. Like. There is a lot of things going on with her! So, I would be tempted to draw on that a bit...
Though, I do like how it ends.
Anyway! Overall thoughts? This is a kind of cute, sing-songy poem that doesn't really go into too much detail, so it almost seems like some of the poetry that is written for children to get them to understand the bible. Like, there's some mature concepts (such as dying and being nailed to a cross) but it's not very graphic and it is quite reassuring at the end, so I can totally see this as a tool to use for children to get them to understand some of the basic concepts of what happened without it being very upsetting. If you break up the lines poem some, I can imagine it in a picture book -- a rhyme bible of sorts!
Anyway, this review is quite long enough! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Otherwise, I'll be signing out. *salutes*
Hey Iamawriter! It's Golden, here with a review. I tend to be nitpicky about grammar, so I'll dive into that first, and then get onto the more finer details.
My suggestions to the grammar are below in bold.
So this is great! I really enjoyed this poem. I would agree with other reviewers and say you should separate it into different stanzas. There are also some portions that don't quite rhyme up or beats that were a bit longer (one such line was "Little do they know my Savior never fails"), but I think, overall, this is a fantastic piece of work. I'd go through and read it out loud, counting all the syllables to make sure it sounds exactly how you'd like it -- but since I know poetry can be varied and different, don't feel the need to take my word for it.
Good work!
Always keep writing.
Thank you very much. An excellent review if I do say so myself.
Hey, it's ScytheMeister here for a review
I chose this work to review, not knowing what would await me when I clicked onto it, but gosh! This work blew me away; the rhymes were astounding and only added to the beautiful imagery you were portraying.
One thing, I think you should have divided the poem a little; in doing so, I believe you should have used some punctuation where it may have been required. Although the poem does flow rather well, there could have been times in which full stops and commas should have been introduced.
I am going to demonstrate using a small extract of the poem:
"My Savior walked with the tree,
On which he was to die for me.
Up the mount called Calvary.
In his hands, they drove the nails,
Little did they know God never fails.
On his head a crown of thorns,
Such as one had never worn."
I'm not a poem kind of person and I know very little about the Ins-and-Outs of it all so I may be wrong in implying that change, however, I believe it will contribute to keeping the work in order and easier to read.
Good job and Keep writing!
- ScytheMeister
Thank you so much!
I made some changes!
Hey,it's lily here for a review.
Iamawriter you are indeed an amazing writer. I loved reading your poem with those rhymes you used.
I would like to tell a few things which you might find helpful.At first i think it'd be better if you'll divide the poem.
"My savior walked with the tree
On which He was to die for me
Up the mount called Calvary
In His hands, they drove the nails
Little did they know God never fails
On His head a crown of thorn
Such as one had never worn
Broken and abused
Alone and confused
This Is Jesus, The King Of The Jews".
In this stanza, if you want you can capitalize the 'S' in savior.In the fifth sentence you can try using 'my Savior' 'cause that creates a feeling of deep attachment between you and your Savior in the reader's mind.
"On either side of the tree
Hang two weary dying thieves
One asked remember me
Christ said into my kingdom
I with thee
My savior pled on the tree
My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me
The sky turned dark
The curtain rent
Into the tomb, he was sent"
Here,in the 2nd sentence using 'hung' might sound better,but that's up to you..'hang' is good too.The third sentence needs a bit of work.The word asked doesn't indicate the real context of the bible..."‘Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom."
so here there is a clear understanding that it wasn't a question but a plead or a hope.So I'd say to replace that word with 'said' and in the next sentence can go this way...
"Christ assured into my kingdom..."
‘Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in paradise.’” (Luke 23:39-43)...that's the reference you might want to refer to.
The 7th sentence of 2nd stanza needs to be punctuated with a question mark.
"For three days He waited there
While Mary sat in despair
He said to her
Why weepest thou
Gardner, she said
I cannot rest for my Lord is dead
And they have taken him away
He smiled at her and called her by name
At once she recognized Him again."
using the word 'asked' in the 3rd sentence here might sound better...and use a question mark in the following sentence too.
Everything else is simply beautiful....your really talented.Hope my review was helpful.
Glad to find a christain friend here.
-Lily^_^
Thanks for your review! Glad to find a fellow believer! God bless!
I made some revisions!
Awesome!:)
So you think it's better?
Umm..did you edit your poem?:l
Yes, I added punctuation and changed some words.
Woah!!! It's looks much better now!!!....#Amazing!!!
Hey,would you mind capitalising S' in the first sentence too...cause you want to drag the reader's attention to the central theme of the poem..i.e Saviour.
The rest is incredibly amazing buddy!!!:)
AHHHHH HOW DID I NOT SEE IT? I will do that right now! Thank you!
Hahaaa...XD...Looks like a masterpiece now...^_^:P
Yay! God is so good.
"All the Time"..
*GETS EXCITED* and all the time?
Yeah..just completed that sentence bud.."God is good all the time" it's a song though....:p
Oh! I took it as a refrence to a movie line.
"God is good."
"All the time."
"And all the time?"
"God is good."
"God's Not Dead" right?;)
YES!
Love that..
Have you seen:
Fireproof?
War Room?
Heaven is for Real?
Courageous?
Yep!I've watched all those except for fireproof...I just saw that trailer but didn't watch the whole movie...
WATCH IT!!!!!!!
Surely gonna check that out buddy!!!!...
Awesome! Did you read Heaven is for Real before you watched the movie?
Nope..I actually watched the CD of the real person(Colton Burpo),I mean the boy who actually witnessed it...and found out a movie's been made on his experience..so yeah I didn't read it.
The reason I mentioned the book was because the wife (Colton's mother) was made out to be a doubter in the movie while in the book she was much more trusting of God and her family. The movie really bothered me in that aspect.
Yeah!!I know I didn't like that part too...'cause Colton very clearly spoke on how co-operative his parents were,although at first they didn't believe him..,but later as he kept stressing they did(In the DVD).I literally sometimes don't get it...why do they have to make twists in movies which totally complicates the reality..?!!:l
RIGHT! It bothered me so much!
Yeah..I get that!!!>.<
Sorry haha. I repeat myself sometimes.
Hey,Come'on buddy, I don't mind it at all. And thanks for.. you know conversing with me the whole while(a total fresher),your my first friend on this site though...
You're welcome! I've been a member since 2014 but haven't been online for a LONG time.
Yeah..I did read your posts...I like the way you update your status everytime.Hey,what's your wattpad username? I'm on that too..but didn't post any works.I just keep reading and reading..
I don't use Wattpad anymore. I just use this site. Wattpad doesn't seem to provide any constructive criticism.
Uh-huh....Agree with that wattpad doesn't have any reasonable suggestions or criticism.
Yes. Have you look at my old works?
*looked
Umm..I'd surelu love doing that but I don't know your username yet?!:l
*surely
Oh okay! my username is Iamawriter
Woww!!should have guessed..
Can't fix this heart.
Morning mom,Morning Dad.
Gateway to my heart.
Are those your works??
No. You should be able to get to my work by clicking on my name in this conversation then going to portfolio.