I hear your voice crashing in my head like enormous waves on the coast,
which bring terror in their wake.
I see your face which bring the nightmares to life when I'm asleep.
I smell the liquor on your breath and wonder how much you drank this time.
I feel the stinging on my cheek from when you slapped me, forever leaving a mark.
I can taste the salty tears running down my face, wondering, what I ever possibly did to deserve this kind of treatment.
I cry.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi. Like mcleo1 said your title is what drew me to read this piece. I initially thought that this piece would be about 'I' but the way you turned it around to show that its about, in my own perspective, the relationship with a drunken lover... I LOVED IT as i can understand what 'I' is feeling and going through as i have experienced a drunken lover in the past. I really like the way you've written it to show the story in the reader's mind, I think that's a really clever thing to do as different readers are going to imagine it differently, in their own perspective. Its perfect the way it is. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Well this is a relatively short piece, and I mean a very short piece. So my review will be to the point and also short.
Well, the title, I have to say I really like it. The single "I" has such an impact, it's actually what drew me in to this piece to read.
I originally thought this was going to be about this person, and just them initially, but as I read on I see it's not that. It's about a child with possibly a drunken parent or lover. It's so sad, but it makes it's point. I don't know what I'd do to really help with this, but I think you should leave this as it is.
Thanks for the review!
Hey there Iamawriter. It's just lizzy dropping real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. Unfortunately my review will be short, but I am going to try my best to make it worth you time to read. Well, we are already on the topic of length, so why not start there. Your poem is currently six lines long, but two of those lines stretch into the next, so we need to find a way to split them up. Hmm.
For line 1, I would use the following fix and I have also noted a grammar problem.
Now your poem is up to seven lines, which to me is a better length to present to a reader. There is still the problem of that pesky fifth line(originally of course). I think it would be best to put it like this.
Now you are up to eight lines. You can use these ideas for fixes or come up with your own.
2. I liked how you started every line with "I" and the repetition of the phrase seemed to help the mood. You did this on every single one, except for the last, which disrupted the mood. I can see the need for change but I think it would better if left as "I cry". It is simpler and a separate thought, giving it more meaning and importance.
3. You started out strong by comparing the action to the waves of an ocean, but then the story went silent. There was no description, nothing. It was just dark, bland, plain, and unfortunately boring. I can see how this was meant to be a depressing mood, but I think you took it a little too far. I see how we as readers are supposed to feel the pain and sorrow, but I didn't get that out of the piece. To convey any thought, one must have description of some kind.
4. I am sorry to say, but that is all I have for your poem. This is my 74th review so thank you for allowing me the honor of reviewing it.
-lizzy
Thanks for the review! Very good points for me to think about and fix. Also, congratulations!